I hate, hate, hate it when I self-sabotage and look at things I know are going to make me feel upset/anxious. It's such a sneaky compulsion and very hard to control.

Does anyone else unintentionally self sabotage their relationships? I tend to seek so much reassurance that they get sick of me. I only seek reassurance because I get scared that they're going to leave me (have abandonment issues) and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because I worried so much that it ends up happening. I get trust issues about my partner cheating because I imagine worst case scenarios all the time and it really strains all of my relationships. Anyone else do this? What have you done to help?

That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.

i saw a trigger. and immediately imagined something se&ual that i really dislike and dont want. and now i feel horrible, because even if i didnt like it, i still imagined it. yes, it was an egodystonic intrusive image, but the moment i saw the trigger i knew i was going to have an intrusive image, i could have blocked it, i could have tried, but instead it happened automatically, the same type of se&ual image that is the same specific kind for any trigger, just now i was thinking abt it and it immediately appeared in my head. i dont know how much control do i have in it, because as i think abt it, it gets automatically visualized, but i'm the one who still gives the imput. i wonder how much responsibility do I have in this. because the unwanted image is sudden and automatic, but is like im conceding, im allowing it, like giving it up. it's some kind of self sabotage, it's not ocd creating the intrusive images, it's me imagining automatically and immediately once I see a threat what i don't want to think because i'm so used to, to sabotage myself and it feels horrible, especially if the trigger is a real person. it's like self sabotage. im not receiving passivly, im somehow actively thinking it automatically, i don't know how to explain it. i think abt how can't look at their parents eyes because they would be disgusted by me. no parent would be okay if someone had such images of their triggers even though it was intrusive and unwanted. and that feels defeating.