I can't allow myself to do the recovery work because I believe my real events are as bad as I see them - horrible, unforgivable and deserving of law punishment, death or suffering. Please help me.

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

My real-events are terrible. I'm plagued daily by multiple awful things I did as a child / teenager (please don't downplay it.) I've grown into a better person, but the memories won't let me see any progress. It feels as if my insides are dying from grief and shame. How do you go day to day not picturing yourself as a monster?

my real event is so bad today. has anyone got any support. i’m in therapy, ive been on meds, but yet i can’t stop feeling guilty for what i did when i was 11-13. the fact that i cannot remember exactly what age or exactly what happened, how many times or anything, im 20 now, and it makes it worse im trying not to ruminate but im constantly trying to figure everything out. i get these intrusive thoughts that tell me if i was 13 then it’s worse, or that i don’t deserve a good life. but i can’t remember and the guilt consumes me. i remember what i did. just nothing else about it and it honestly is eating me alive.