Ok so this is going to be lengthy and probably have many mistakes so I apologize in advance. I used to live somewhere completely different to where I live now. I lived back in my hometown until I was 10. That was a living nightmare for me. I was bullied lots and had lots of very traumatizing things happen to me that are a VERY big part to my ocd today. When I was very young like 7 or 8 I was at a sleepover with another girl and she was pressuring me into doing things that I was very uncomfortable doing. She was pressuring me to take some of my clothes off. At the time I was very young and didn’t know right from wrong and didn’t know what to do so because she was being very peer pressure to me I did so because I was scared. I have never been able to come to peace with myself after this even though I have been told that I did NOTHING wrong and that I was very young and stuff. But then I moved somewhere completely different, and lost contact with everyone because I knew that it was too much for me to handle. Today someone from there reached out me ( a good person) and wanted to talk and catch up. I did talk to her for a little bit (it’s not the same person that pressured me) and I texted her after telling her how I needed to lose contact with here because so many of my intrusive thoughts came from living there, so being in contact with people was mentally not ok with me. She was completely understanding and all’s good. But I’m wondering. What happened with that girl. Should I fee guilt about? Or is this my ocd. I just need some other opinions. Please help me out!

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

TW:trauma.. This can be very triggering... I was outside walking my dog.I met with the family of the kid who was hurt years ago(I mentioned abt this..it was really a bad and traumatizing event) .I warned them abt a dog (bcs they have a dog too ) who was walking around and bcs I think I saw it another day .And I talked with their mom and I thought: Am I lying ? Am I manipulating her into thinking I am a caring person when in reality I am not.Because I didnt helped the kid when they needed help.I was right there and didnt help and didnt told them.I feel like a traitor.Everytime we met and talk I am scared my friendly interactions mean I am lying to them and manipulate them.Bcs I didnt help their kid...:,( I am so so sorry for them.I feel like I left them in danger back then,that it was my fault..I cant stop thinking abt how they trusted me and I didnt help..and that event.Because no one should go through that..especially a kid.I am scared honestly..even now .And I am worried.I only care bcs their parents will be mad and blame me..I am scared I dont care abt what happened to the kid( I am sorry if this is triggering..I think these are also my intrusive thoughts) .Plus everytime I am near them I get intrusive images of what happened .And I feel like a criminal..plus other horrible thoughts that make me feel like I a monster.I have terrible thoughts over and over and I feel I am what I am scared of.That I acutually am.I started to belive this( still pray is just ocd)I know is weird( and I am sorry if this is triggering) but I feel like I am the person who hurt the kid.:,(.I just think I dissapointed them and hurt them (the kid..also the family).The worst is I dont even know if they told anyone.I will talk with a therapist abt this..but I want to know also your advices..if u can give me..I know this might be reassurance but I am desperate.These thoughts and intrusive images I get abt what happened are horrible.I cant imagine...:(.I only think abt how terrible it was for the kid..and I feel bad because I think abt it.I overthink my every action, I overthink everything abt my interactions with them and their family.This summer my family will go on a trip with them I think , and Idk if I should go.( tw: also think her dad thinks I am suspicious and I absolutely have no intent to hurt the kid.And that he think I am dangerous bcs I didnt help her:()This feels like hell and I feel like I am make myself a victim in a situation I made myself..I am sorry for putting so many tw.I know this sounds all so bad and suspicious..Either I am terrible or scared I am terrible or both...:(.Anyway I know I did a terrible mistake.Thank you so much if anyone reads all this and responds

I’m not sure how to handle this so I come for some advice and maybe tips on how to handle the ROCD. Basically, my boyfriend had a friend group some years ago, they stopped talking to him in a way that made him feel sad. I have no friendship with them and honestly don’t care about them nor like them. They go to my school, I see them in the hallways sometimes; here’s the problem, I waved to them and they waved to me for some time after they stopped talking, I thought nothing of it and didn’t even register for a sec that it was them waving at me, how? Well I used to wave at people if they seem familiar to just go on about my day and avoid embarrassment or comments about being rude later, I kinda used to do it as a reflex so that doesn’t happen, now I don’t anymore, but sometimes happened more when I was stressed and dissociating because school is just an extremely stressful place for me where mu thoughts are racing and I’m only concerned about surviving the damn day, not really present, and just thinking about how to relax which puts more pressure on me. I don’t say this to justify the waving, it’s an explanation of why I did it. Something my grandma told me when I asked for advice was that I didn’t do it with intentions of being friendly to them or making my boyfriend feel hurt, and that made me feel better because it is true, but the guilt and doubt and rumination and memories and everything honestly, are eating me alive I’ve been ruminating about this and feeling extremely guilty for it, my mind makes me feel like it’s the end of the world and I should be punished because it feels like a form of betraying and I feel this is something that could actually make him feel hurt. I’ve been meaning to apologize because in my eyes it’s better to be honest and I always wanna be honest to my partner and give him the power to decide how to feel about this situation. I’ve been putting it off however because my mind tells me “What if instead I make it worse and he feels my explanation is really stupid and that I did this on purpose? I mean my explanation tho true, could sound false and stupid” “What if this is confession OCD or just a compulsion to apologize and I make it worse due to being so anxious?” “What if I make the problem worse?” and the one that sets me back the most, “I need to be regulated in order to properly apologize and approach this with a cold mind since I don’t wanna feel so guilty he ends up conforting me or carrying my emotional load instead of me carrying and caring for his” This is also important: I’ve been having memories which I’m not sure are even true, I have a distant memory about the moment this happened, because yes I was there and yes this makes me feel EVEN WORSE I kinda remember saying they wave at me and I wave at them and him telling me it’s ok and he doesn’t really mind, the memory is so distant I can’t tell if it’s actually real or it’s just again, OCD! (wether real or not tho, I still feel the need to apologize again and it’s my intent ) I’m pretty tired of ruminating and beating myself up and I feel like it’s kinda complicated to talk now that he moved away and we’re long distance, I’m gonna cry more than I already have I also have been dying because the thoughts and guilt and doubt are all eating me alive and it creeps whenever I say I love you, whenever I make a gift or card or say anything with love. My mind is bullying me and I’ve been beating myself up about it. I’m stuck and confused and anxious Please share some advice if you have