Ok so this is going to be lengthy and probably have many mistakes so I apologize in advance. I used to live somewhere completely different to where I live now. I lived back in my hometown until I was 10. That was a living nightmare for me. I was bullied lots and had lots of very traumatizing things happen to me that are a VERY big part to my ocd today. When I was very young like 7 or 8 I was at a sleepover with another girl and she was pressuring me into doing things that I was very uncomfortable doing. She was pressuring me to take some of my clothes off. At the time I was very young and didn’t know right from wrong and didn’t know what to do so because she was being very peer pressure to me I did so because I was scared. I have never been able to come to peace with myself after this even though I have been told that I did NOTHING wrong and that I was very young and stuff. But then I moved somewhere completely different, and lost contact with everyone because I knew that it was too much for me to handle. Today someone from there reached out me ( a good person) and wanted to talk and catch up. I did talk to her for a little bit (it’s not the same person that pressured me) and I texted her after telling her how I needed to lose contact with here because so many of my intrusive thoughts came from living there, so being in contact with people was mentally not ok with me. She was completely understanding and all’s good. But I’m wondering. What happened with that girl. Should I fee guilt about? Or is this my ocd. I just need some other opinions. Please help me out!

18+! When I was child I was VERY hyper-sexual I’m not sure when it started. All I remember I was being very sexual with other kids at the time, I think I thought it was normal and nobody was stopping me either at the time so I had no idea I was in the wrong. I think I had to be 13 or 14 where it hit me out of nowhere that I was wrong. The floodgate of anxiety was horrible I had so much guilt it was eating me up. I had to stay home, I quit going to family gatherings, quit hanging out with new friends I’ve made, I cried a lot. Til this day I think about it everyday and the amount of guilt on my chest. If I could go back and change it all I would. I wish I could have a better understanding of me and why I was doing it. It’s the guilt and anxiety I deal with every single day. I never meant to hurt anyone.

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.