I got angry and literally threw my laptop. It landed on the carpet but the bottom is a bit popped off at the moment…now I’m ruminating about it alongside all the anxiety that school is causing. I feel like I’m taking on more than i can actually handle. I’m a TA who has serious speaking anxiety, an outreach coordinator for a marine science club (despite not knowing nearly as much about marine science as my peers), and I’m taking two upper level science courses. I also don’t have a job and i think about how much of a liability i am to my family. And as a disclaimer I didn’t throw my laptop because of any of this…i just keeping thinking about the fact that my best friend and her entire family literally body shame me every time they see me. And when i stand up to them i get attacked extra hard. I’m ready to quit everything and cut off every single person who causes me distress on any level. I just want to forfeit everything because there is so little in my life that’s within my control. I don’t have a sharp enough memory to handle school-not by a long shot. And I can’t stand up for myself no matter what i do.

It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities, and props to you for working so hard! Having so many commitments and toxic energy in your life eventually becomes a lot to handle. You deserve to take care of yourself ❤️ I’ve recently distanced myself from people that made me feel bad and I realized that there’s nothing wrong with reducing the amount of commitments I have (I get so anxious and tired JUST from attending school). I would encourage you to evaluate what is important to you in your life. Do you actually like your program? Do you like being a TA and an outreach coordinator? If these activities bring no value to you, or if they’re currently causing you more harm than good, what’s the point of doing them? I believe you’re more capable than you say you are, but you’re allowed to take a break or cut down on your responsibilities. You would still achieve so much! Also, regarding your friend, I’m sorry to say that she doesn’t sound like too great of a friend if she’s hurting you like that. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, and even though you say you aren’t good at doing so I think the fact that you try proves you can! If people react negatively and attack you even more that’s a reflection of their issues, not you. Let go of what doesn’t let you grow ❤️❤️❤️ PS sorry this is super long, I just want you to know I understand you’re going through a tough time right now, and you CAN feel better!!!

I cried reading this comment. Thank you and you’re right. I have to cut down on things and that includes people. Thank you for this ❤️