I got angry and literally threw my laptop. It landed on the carpet but the bottom is a bit popped off at the moment…now I’m ruminating about it alongside all the anxiety that school is causing. I feel like I’m taking on more than i can actually handle. I’m a TA who has serious speaking anxiety, an outreach coordinator for a marine science club (despite not knowing nearly as much about marine science as my peers), and I’m taking two upper level science courses. I also don’t have a job and i think about how much of a liability i am to my family. And as a disclaimer I didn’t throw my laptop because of any of this…i just keeping thinking about the fact that my best friend and her entire family literally body shame me every time they see me. And when i stand up to them i get attacked extra hard. I’m ready to quit everything and cut off every single person who causes me distress on any level. I just want to forfeit everything because there is so little in my life that’s within my control. I don’t have a sharp enough memory to handle school-not by a long shot. And I can’t stand up for myself no matter what i do.

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

For context: ive been diagnosed with arfid. But my brain refuses to accept it and that i don’t have an issue with eating. So this past weekend has been anything but chill. Today felt like the tip of the iceberg. My mom called me out for having an irrational fear of food textures, food appearances, and smells i find distasteful and told me i just let myself get too carried away by the “what if” “could be” “might be” “looks like/smells like/tastes like..” thoughts. I just have to get over it essentially and stop giving it too much meaning. Its ridiculous. I was taken aback cos we weren’t even talking about food to begin with and it just sort of came up with her. Still in disbelief and so frustrated. Seriously thinking about just isolating myself and not talk to anyone about anything cos i don’t know what to do anymore.

I'm just venting, but everything is feeling so overwhelming lately. Every day, I still find myself checking on my ex. I know it sounds obsessive, but it’s not coming from a weird or stalkerish place. It just feels like I never got closure, and I’m stuck in this loop. I read that “closure is a choice, not a conversation,” and I try to believe that—but part of me still needs to know what he’s doing, like it gives me some weird sense of closure, even if it’s just temporary. And I hate that I’m like this. On top of that, I’ve been wanting to see my Pap, who is in the hospital in pretty severe condition but I never have time because I’m always working. My job is stressful. I try so hard, but my grooms don’t turn out the way I want, and I just feel like I’m failing. Then there's my financial situation—my car payment is $713 a month, plus insurance and other bills. I can’t save at all. Thankfully my mom pays the rent, but she constantly holds it over me and threatens to kick me out. It’s never felt stable at home, and now it’s worse. Lately, my childhood trauma is resurfacing, and it’s affecting everything—my friendships, any chance of a relationship, even my bond with my pets. I feel like I’m falling apart, and when I finally get in bed at night, I just feel hopeless. I look around and see people I went to school with thriving, and I feel so far behind. I used to feel ahead because I was already handling adult responsibilities, but now it feels like I’m stuck while everyone else is moving forward. I’m losing control of my emotions—randomly lashing out, struggling with anger—and I can’t afford therapy or even regular doctor visits. Sometimes I can’t even afford groceries, and it’s frustrating because I work hard and still feel like I’m drowning. I just want a simple, peaceful life: a modest home, a normal car, a stable routine. I want a support system. I want to feel connected like my friends Jessica and Ashley, but I don’t. It’s just me, but it’s still lonely. It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can’t get anything right. Like I’m always doing something wrong in someone’s eyes, and I have no one to turn to for help.