I got angry and literally threw my laptop. It landed on the carpet but the bottom is a bit popped off at the moment…now I’m ruminating about it alongside all the anxiety that school is causing. I feel like I’m taking on more than i can actually handle. I’m a TA who has serious speaking anxiety, an outreach coordinator for a marine science club (despite not knowing nearly as much about marine science as my peers), and I’m taking two upper level science courses. I also don’t have a job and i think about how much of a liability i am to my family. And as a disclaimer I didn’t throw my laptop because of any of this…i just keeping thinking about the fact that my best friend and her entire family literally body shame me every time they see me. And when i stand up to them i get attacked extra hard. I’m ready to quit everything and cut off every single person who causes me distress on any level. I just want to forfeit everything because there is so little in my life that’s within my control. I don’t have a sharp enough memory to handle school-not by a long shot. And I can’t stand up for myself no matter what i do.

I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

For context: ive been diagnosed with arfid. But my brain refuses to accept it and that i don’t have an issue with eating. So this past weekend has been anything but chill. Today felt like the tip of the iceberg. My mom called me out for having an irrational fear of food textures, food appearances, and smells i find distasteful and told me i just let myself get too carried away by the “what if” “could be” “might be” “looks like/smells like/tastes like..” thoughts. I just have to get over it essentially and stop giving it too much meaning. Its ridiculous. I was taken aback cos we weren’t even talking about food to begin with and it just sort of came up with her. Still in disbelief and so frustrated. Seriously thinking about just isolating myself and not talk to anyone about anything cos i don’t know what to do anymore.