i feel so guilty lying to my friends. i cant go out much until i get a grip on my ocd, and i dont have much money. which im not comfortable telling them. i just make up appointments or whatever. i feel so terrible. in turn the lying triggers ocd symptoms too. its just a cycle.

I can’t help but feel so anxious because of guilt. I feel guilty about not sharing everything about my OCD to my partner, but because I understand that confession itself is a compulsion and would not help anyone. I feel so anxious too that if all my fears come true and she finds out, then it would be so devastating for everyone especially her. Does anyone feel the same thing? How could I change my perspective on this?

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

One of my ocd symptoms is hyperfixations, and i fixate on my girlfriend’s face- like, itd as if my ocd tries figuring out if something’s wrong This has caused me to avoid looking at her because ocd numbs my feelings from the anxiety- i have difficulty video calling, she doesn’t mind at all cause she doesn’t really video call w me (were in an ldr, she just doesnt really mind it at all) but i still mind. I love her, shes my beautiful princess and it enfuriates me that i cant get in touch with my real feelings cause of this :’( Same thing is happening with like, intrusive feelings aggainst her like random irritability- its so exhausting, im very tired, but im NOT irritated at her. Its disgusting how repulsive i feel to certain actions she does when she asks me for help, like, its as if I’m anxious and overwhelmed cause I have to help her with a lot of stuff, but I am not irritated or mad at her, thats intrusive :’( but it bugs me that its here :’( She knows about my intrusive feelings im just so frustrated