Sexual ocd obsessions are evil idc

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.

Hi everyone I could really use some help on this topic. It’s hard to admit and talk about but after being on here I see that I’m not the only one! Still I would love some support and advice with how to deal with those unwanted sexual thoughts. For me it’s so uncomfortable and honestly gross when sexual thoughts get out of hand with normal people and also do extremely out of hand that even loved ones get involved. Like when I watch tv and all of a sudden I have these gross thoughts that I know if I accept they will go away but how can you accept something so gross? Would love some help!

I keep having disgusting sexual and intrusive thoughts about God Jesus, Holy Spirit I feel hopeless and like there’s nothing left for me. What if this is who I am and how I think I can’t even pray without having thoughts or images.