Me before getting diagnosed with ocd: this is ocd and I know it Me: *get diagnosed* Me: this isn’t ocd it feels real and like I want to do it I feel nothing this is not ocd

i was recently diagnosed with ocd and i think im having a hard time identifying what is my ocd and what isn’t? or im not really sure how to express myself but i feel like i still don’t really know much about ocd and feel like an imposter saying i have it because i don’t know enough about it to really understand it? like all my life these things i would do or say or think or feel were i guess “normal” to me,, so how do i move forward when i don’t know really where to begin?

Ok basically I’ve had OCD symptoms since I can remember but now that I’m thinking about it maybe I don’t have OCD what if I believe it so much I have the symptoms I’m not sure and I’m so confused I guess. And I wanna get tested or therapy but I don’t even know if I have it so I’m scared to and I have to remind myself of the time I had a symptom before finding out about it so I can confirm it I don’t know how to explain what I mean I wanna get help but don’t know if I have it

There are moments when something takes over me, like I have to fight myself (literally restrain myself) from acting on my thoughts, like causing harm to my parents or brother. I get these feelings that feel so real, like they are genuinely my own. There are moments when I feel like I like them, and it makes me question whether this is truly OCD or if it's me. Then I wonder whether this is me lying to myself, because I feel the urge to smile at the thought, or feel like I have some pleasure. I check whether I like them, and then I feel like I do, so I stop immediately. I feel like my old self is gone, and I've become this person, and that it was never OCD. Right now, as I type this, I feel like I'm lying to myself. There are moments when I feel like my brain splits, as if this is my new personality. Or there are moments when I feel like it might feel liberating or freeing if I do it. I genuinely feel like this is not OCD. There are moments when I stop the thought, and I feel like it's out of principle, as if I don't truly want to stop at that thought. I truly can't picture this to be my life now. I never had these thoughts in my life until two and a half months ago. It truly makes me question whether it was OCD. I don't get why. I used to view my family as my world, and now my mind is making me scared and feel like my room is my only safe place from them, from me.