This morning I kind of dissected my journey with Real Event OCD and it’s kind of funny, however depressing and not how I want things to be. So 7 years ago I struggled with Real Event OCD with a theme that would torment me for 3 years, at the time I had no idea it was Real Event OCD (having no clue about OCD in general at the time) but in retrospect it was a classic case. Anyhow, through the 3 year torment I basically went off the rails and lost control of my life thinking I was a bad person and I deserved nothing but the worst in life, I was suicidal, nihilistic, drinking, having risky sex, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, getting silly tattoos - anything to punish myself. Everyone saw me as the funny non-conformist who rarely had a bad word to say about anyone - perhaps I was too preoccupied with having bad words with myself, plus the anxiety of not having people like me - oh the horror! I left that scene after the 3 years and started to make positive changes to my life, stopped drinking, stopped having risky sex, stopped doing drugs, stopped smoking cigarettes, started getting some tattoos removed. And I felt good, I still thought about the original theme but it just ceased to have power over me. Life was going real good. Then, you guessed it, I started to obsess over my past regrets and the 3 lost years of my life which as you can imagine I have a pretty sketchy memory of, but of-course I remember the “horrible” things I did during that 3 year period - in-fact there’s only one that I really obsess over (but many others things I feel like I knew better to do). And it’s excruciatingly painful. What I did wasn’t great, there’s a minute chance that it has had the effect that OCD tells me that it has… but if it did, I want to make it right, and apart from posting online my transgression in hopes that this person finds it so I can find the reassurance myself - there’s not much I can do. Through past compulsions I’ve found it’s rare, but what I’m worried about has happened before to people and bitten them in the arse. This, I’ve been obsessing over for nearly 2 years now and there have been some ups, but the downs are horrific. But there’s no end, and it drives me deep into wanting to find out this one little bit of information that will free me forever to live my life. I couldn’t even explain in words the relief I would feel. And that’s the pull, it’s the sheer overwhelming emotion of freedom it would provide. Sometimes I think “I wish it would just happen right now, because if my OCD is wrong, I will probably never know”. Don’t get me wrong, I would feel terrible about my actions, hell - I do now. My OCD tells me it would ruin me, and hey - maybe, maybe not eh? But I tell you one thing, it would severely change my life. I try my best to not do compulsions and do my best to do self-help. It reduces the anxiety, the guilt and shame remain but take a seat further back in the row - but the unworthiness of being helped can hinder all of these. I think I’ll try ERP one day, I’m currently seeing a therapist and he’s helping somewhat. I’m currently into spirituality and it’s hard to know whether I’m just into it to “purify the wrongs”, or whether I actually want to gain insight into spirituality, but I know deep down it won’t solve the “issue” I have. I struggle with perfectionism, and I used to act as “if there’s a scratch on the boat then the whole ship’s getting sunk”. But no more, I want to do right by myself and others, but Lord is it a painful thing this OCD. I guess what I’m getting at is, if only I’d have known about Real Event OCD 7 years ago and this may well have been avoided. And that made me chuckle for a moment.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

Hey everyone — I just want to say upfront that as someone who actively deals with real events OCD, most of the posts I share here are going to come straight from my personal experience. Just real & lived reality. Because I know how lonely this type of OCD can feel, and if there’s even one person out there who reads my words and feels less alone — then it’s worth sharing every piece of it. Now… let’s talk about the kind of OCD that doesn’t get enough attention. The kind that doesn’t just whisper scary things — it reminds you of real ones. Real Events OCD. This isn’t about bizarre or outta nowhere intrusive thoughts. This is the kind that takes real things you’ve done — whether it was a genuine mistake, a cringey moment, a bad decision, or even something you already made peace with — and it replays them on a loop like a horror film in your head. It’s the constant questioning: “Am I actually a good person?” “Was that actually wrong and I just didn’t realize it?” “What if I’ve hurt someone and don’t deserve to be okay?” And it’s exhausting. I’ve had moments where I can’t focus, can’t sleep, can’t breathe because my brain pulls up something from years ago and convinces me I’m evil, dangerous, unforgivable. I can be having a good day, laughing with people I love, and boom — my mind hits me with “Remember this? You should feel horrible about it forever.” Even if I’ve apologized. Even if I’ve changed. Even if I’ve done the work. Real Events OCD doesn’t care. It thrives off your guilt. It uses your conscience against you. And when you’re young — still figuring out who you are, still healing — it makes you question whether you even deserve to move forward. That’s what’s so cruel about it. It doesn’t just make you anxious. It makes you feel like you’re a danger to the people you love. That you’re secretly the villain in your own story. But let me tell you something I’ve been learning — slowly, painfully, but honestly.. You are not your past. You are not your worst mistake. And you are not the voice in your head trying to punish you forever. You’re a person with a heart. A person who cares. And that’s exactly why OCD picked this flavor to mess with you. ERP is SOO helping. So is community. But the biggest help? Giving myself permission to stop chasing reassurance and start living again. I do not have to confess, over and over, for the rest of my life. I do not have to torture myself to prove I’m good. I can grow — and growing is enough. So if you’re reading this and you know exactly what I’m talking about… I see you. I am you. Let’s keep showing up. Let’s keep living. Let’s keep healing — even when OCD tells us we don’t deserve to. You do. I do. We all do.