I just wanted to vent for a moment. But I'm so scared of being unable to find love. I'm 31, and have abstained from a LTR over the years, as I was putting too much on partners for validation and reassurance. I might as well have asked them to valiDate me. I am at a point of healing now where I think I am ready to re-enter the dating world but I'm fucking terrified. What if they find out about my intrusive thoughts and find me as disgusting as I find myself? I want to be human, but I've never been able to think of myself as such. What if they make fun of my past like my first real significant other did? I hate these thoughts. They're so terrifying. And I feel so alone. Which is where I tell myself I need to be, even if I don't want to be here. Thanks for listening.

Hey Bryan thanks so much for your response here. I am glad to not be alone, and I am also sad I'm not alone if that makes sense. I hope your day is full of you kicking some ass and doing great things!

@Sound Lotus I am a controls engineer 👨‍💻 I Make really good money but I am extremely sad on the inside. Most about my past I feel horrible about something I did when I was younger and I carry immense shame and guilt it drags me down as a human being

@Bryan I relate to this all too well. I went through some trauma as a kid, which gained my initial diagnosis of OCD. My bio dad said "no he doesn't have it" and it was never really addressed again. It wasn't until some research recently that it clicked into place. Genuinely wish you well bud, if you ever need to vent or just wanna hang and chat please hit me up!

@Sound Lotus Ok

Haha wow!👏🏻 That was flawless!😲😁 Thank you!! I hope you are doing good too!💛 There is someone out there for you... never doubt that. It might take some effort to find that special one, but in the end it will be worth it. You've got lots of time, so don't stress about it!!💙

I am both glad and sad to see someone else in a similar boat. I always joked that if I find a partner, I would want to build his/her style medicine cabinets so we can both take our meds together in style haha. Like as fucked up as it might sound, I think part of me wants to date someone who has OCD or another form of mental illness (who is also in therapy and doing well for themselves) so that we're both more understanding and empathetic with each other.

@Sound Lotus I am 35 why do I struggle so bad with my past or my sexual past? Why is OCD so hard on me for trying something I just wanted the thoughts to stop the gay thoughts I didn’t enjoy them I didn’t enjoy the experience either but like my OCD tells me that women will “judge” me for it and I am not “good enough for love” or good enough for a woman 👩 I had all these things swoop down over me at 16. I was also molested by a man when I was 6. So I feel horrible

@Bryan Honestly man I get it for sure. I know I said some similar things above but I went through the same thing but at 5. I didn't know how much that would impact how I view myself most of my life. Genuinely wishing you peace friend.

@Sound Lotus I have to change I can’t just give up on myself and life

@Bryan As a person who also has trauma along with my OCD I have so much empathy. It’s like a shit pile. There is someone out there for you and maybe there are some women who would hold judgment but that is not most women and that would just obviously not be the right woman for you. I also think many (most?) people go through some questioning of sexuality as a kids/teen. We with OCD just latch onto it and think it’s not “normal”