- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
I wish I could force myself to do yoga. I've been putting it off for months! đ
Just do a few minutes. A few exercises. You donât have to go all in
@Sasha True. Im going to have to search for a beginning yoga video.
@SummerKissesWinterTears Yes! I love her videos. I'll have to do a search for the beginning yoga video you recommended.
Thanks for writing this. Iâm feeling the weight of the world and tremendous struggle with an ocd trigger right now.
Here with you in spirit đ
Thank you!!!
Thank you for this!!! đ¤đ¤đ¤
Looking back, I realize Iâve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasnât diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldnât explain: "What if God isnât real? What happens when we die? How do I know Iâm real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didnât want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. Sheâd say, "Maybe youâll kill yourselfâwho knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. Iâm working again, Iâm sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If youâre scared to try ERP, I get it. But if youâre already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?
At this point I think Iâm just tired. Took me a massive amount of strength to even type this. Iâve never had it this bad with anxiety depression and OCD. Firstly, how do you guys handle the trauma that comes with OCD. I recently realized Ive traumatized by own mind. I think this contributes to depression. Also, the thoughts frequency have gotten so high. It just literally jams its self in my brain. Before, I had some sort of control (at least a grip) but this days itâs so hard to try to get a grip. The unwanted feelings too? Omg, reactions that I literally canât stand plagues me. My mind turns almost everything sexual. Itâs crazy đ Then the anxietyyyyyy! Wheew. Iâm like a walking anxiety attack, my heart is always beating fast and itâs so painful. Working is so hard because I canât get a grip, I feel so broken and I donât think anyone can relate to this. I donât know what I can do to help. Then the pressure in my head (that causes headache sometimes), sometimes I genuinely think I have a tumor! Iâm pregnant so that makes it sadder, makes me wonder what kind of mother this beautiful soul is coming out here to meet. I donât want to be a sad mother, and I cry more when I realize my child can feel what I feel rn in my bellyđ. Another thing, the moment I donât wanna do something, doesnât even have to be anything bad. Thatâs when it feels my mind wants to force me to do it. Itâs a whole lot and Iâm just holding on to Jesus to help me out. At least heâs here so thatâs comforting.
December 14, 2024, marked two years since my first ERP therapy session with my NOCD therapist, Mixi. And October 2024 marked a year of being free from OCD. It was not an easy journey, confronting my fears face to face. Exposing myself to the images and thoughts my brain kept throwing at me, accepting that I might be the worst mother, that my daughter wouldnât love me, and that I deserved to be considered a bad person. It was challenging having to say, âYes, I am those things,â feeling the desire to run, but realizing the thoughts followed me. At the start of my therapy, I remember feeling like I couldnât do this anymore. Life felt unbearable, and I felt so weak. I longed for a time before the OCD, before the flare-ups, before the anxiety, the daily panic attacks. I thought Iâd never be myself again. But I now know that ERP saved my life. The first couple of sessions were tough. I wasnât fully present. I lied to my therapist about what my actual thoughts were, fearing judgment. I pretended that the exposures were working, but when the sessions ended, I went back to not sleeping, constantly overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. But my therapist never judged me. She made me feel safe to be honest with her. She understood OCD and never faltered in supporting me, even when I admitted I had been lying and still continued my compulsions. My biggest milestone in therapy was being 100% transparent with my therapist. That was when real change began. At first, I started smallâsimply reading the words that terrified me: "bad mom," "hated," "unloved." Then, I worked on listening to those words while doing dishesânot completely stopping my rumination, but noticing it. Just 15 minutes, my therapist said. It wasnât easy. At one point, I found myself thinking, âWill I ever feel like myself again?â But I kept pushing through. Slowly, I built tolerance and moved to face-to-face exposuresâsitting alone with my daughter, leaning into the thought that my siblings might die, reading articles about my worst fears, and calling myself the things I feared. Each session was challenging, but with time, the thoughts started to lose their grip. By my eleventh session, I started to realize: OCD was here, and it wasnât going away, but I could keep living my life despite it. I didnât need to wait for it to be quiet or go away to move on. Slowly, it began to quiet down, and I started to feel like myself again. In fact, I am not my old self anymoreâIâm a better version. OCD hasnât completely disappeared, but itâs quieter now. Most of the time, it doesnât speak, and when it does, I know how to handle it. The last session with my therapist was emotional. I cried because I was finishing therapy. I remember how, in the beginning, I cried because I thought it was just startingâbecause I was overwhelmed and terrified. But at the end, I cried because I was sad it was ending. It felt like I had come so far, and part of me wasnât ready to say goodbye, even though I had already learned so much. It was a bittersweet moment, but I knew I was walking away stronger, equipped with the tools to handle OCD on my own. If I could change anything about my journey, it would be being open and honest from the beginning. It was the key to finding true healing. The transparency, the honestyâit opened the door to lasting change. Iâm no longer that person who was stuck in constant panic. Iâm someone who has fought and survived, and while OCD still appears from time to time, I know it doesnât define me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments. Have you started therapy, is something holding you back? Is there something you want to know about ERP therapy? I'll be live in the app answering each and every one today from 6-7pm EST. Please drop them below!
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