Anyone else here write fanfiction?

I consider myself vanilla but fun, I’m the person in the friend group who’s really open about sexuality and publicly open about healing from childhood sexual(incest) trauma. Behind the scenes in my alone time things change. I find myself only able to get aroused by taboo content(for the most part), or in fanfic terms “ dead dove “ content. It’s so weird. If I were to do that in real life I’d be repulsed like, “ that’s just morally awful, who does that?”, but my brain tells me “ you, this is what you like, you’re a terrible person and the fact that you’re aroused proves that.” And then I stop because it’s not fun anymore I’m just repulsed. Sexual assault ruined how I see my body and how I see physical love. So why does my brain make me think I like it?

hello everybody! 🔞 last saturday i did something i shouldn't have done, and i even posted about it here, but no one responded to my post (it's okay, i completely understand). to inform you, since i deleted the post: i consumed erotic literature where two 14 year old children had a relationship (☠️), on wattpad. and i consumed this theme to see if i was really attracted to it..i think. i'm unsure about it, but i know i didn't feel anything consuming it. i was feeling extremely anxious and felt extremely bad the next day, and i only got better when i talked to my girlfriend and an online friend. i'm still feeling bad, i know i shouldn't have done it and whenever i'm feeling genuinely good, it comes back to haunt me.. i'm worried because i'm not feeling enough guilt or remorse, idk.. i feel bad and i regret it, and i can't stand going through this problem anymore.. i was in therapy a few months ago, but i stopped for financial reasons and my psychologist doesn't see me virtually anymore. it's been difficult.. just a vent.

Hi, im 19 and ive been fandom spaces since i was 10 years old (long story short dont let little kids should not be on the internet 😭) anyways, im here to ask if anyone else whose in fandom are scared that what they ship might be a “proship” if your familiar with the term. I recently got back into a game and im worrying a ship i used to ship when i was younger is considered one. Its not based off game events but some people online have such scary reaction to it that it made me worry. Since im older i dont really ship them romantically anymore more platonically but i still worry about it because what if anything i ship is a pro ship. Advice is appreciated but also i just made to this post to find people who are always worried about this since i dont wanna be alone. Its scary for me because it misses with my POCD. Thanks for reading