Every girl I come across seeing I feel like I have to say they're pretty/hot/or cute and I say to myself why can't I say hot/cute/handsome to everyguy I see! I just wanna like guys but it feels impossible. Last night I was thinking of a guy and how he's coming back already and then I fell asleep and he came out in my dream and I got up happy but it feels like me liking guys is fake and I truly don't like them but I do wanna like just men.

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

I haven’t posted on here in a few days because I was feeling better but the past two days I’ve climbed my way back down the rabbit hole it seems. There’s this guy that I’m interested in and he seems to be interested in me. He keeps calling me pretty and how he’d like to meet me (he’s friends with my friends but I haven’t met him properly yet lmao) But I keep getting thoughts like “you’re not interested, you like women” and so on. I was feeling giddy about the whole thing up until two days ago where everything just seemed to shut off like my attraction, excitement and so on. I can’t believe I’m going through this again and I’m really trying to accept the thoughts but it’s so debilitating as I really want a bf but my brain keeps passing through thoughts that I do not want at all. Does anyone relate? Or have any coping strategies to help?

Has anyone experienced where you love woman everything about them, even to the point where you still can get erections watching normal porn, lesbian porn etc. but you find your self still admiring a good looking man. I’ve went through the groinal responses when seeing a man but honestly after watching porn and realizing it’s not about sex it went away. On the other hand even when there’s a male and a female in a picture I can’t stop looking at the male and judging, but the minute they’re naked I’m fine and looking at the woman. I started watching porn at a very young age so I’m wondering do I only sexualize woman and admire the man so in everyday life I don’t see her as beautiful because she’s not naked ? I understand as a straight male I can still think guys are attractive but why do I constantly notice them more than women? I also can admire and see when a girl is beautiful in the face but then if a dude that’s more attractive than me pops up in staring at him. Has anyone experience this?