I first started having intrusive thoughts about sexual assault because I thought I was sexually assaulted. Than I had some about my sister and my little cousins and than THATS when I started getting POCD thoughts because I began to google if that was a thing. Than I started freaking out because the thoughts went away when I started medication but would come back or I wouldn’t worry as much and than that’s when I had convinced myself I brought on the thoughts and I panicked. Than I had a full blown panic attack thinking I was a pedo and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me and how I was going to live. Than I thought about it and I was thinking how my bf private area and how it’s small and I had made myself think that I was only with him because of that and I never realized it but I know it’s not true because I never cared about size. So when I would get thoughts of POCD I would try to replace them with thoughts of being with my boyfriend but it didn’t work. When I’m with my boyfriend I’m worried of having thoughts of kids or my brother. I’m scared to have sex with him because I feel like it would prove me right that I am with him bc of my thoughts. Or I’m scared I will have sex and their will be thoughts of kids and I’ll end up liking it and not stop. I don’t self pleasure either because of this. I’m just so confused every aspect of my life is just twisted. Like has anyone else struggled with this? Or is it just me. Like will I ever be able to have sex. I haven’t had sex because of this

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

I also feel guilty because I don’t know if I love my boyfriend anymore. The situation where I thought I was SA was because he initiated having sex with me while I was half asleep. Like I knew it was happening and I let it happen. I told him to stop and he did. But I got a thought that said he SA me. For a whole months I replayed what happened to me and telling myself it was consensual. I talked to him about he apologized. The replaying of the event and telling myself it didn’t happen never went away and that’s when I started getting intrusive thoughts about SA. So I blame him for my suffering and I feel like I can’t be with him. Another part of me wants to be with him but I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I only want to be with him because we been together for 3 years and he’s supportive and he’s being supportive of me now. I just don’t know what to do. My whole life is falling apart

G :)

Date posted: 4y

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve been through something similar with an ex boyfriend who SAed me. And I’ve suffered with intrusive thoughts like yours and recently was diagnosed with OCD. I hope you are able to figure out and talk to someone about what you’re feeling around your OCD and what happened with him. I promise you’re stronger than you think you are. You’ve got this.

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

Everyone tells me it wasn’t SA but I can never understand why I felt that way. And it doesn’t help that I had gotten a thought telling me I was and that caused me to spiral. I don’t know if I should still be with him or take a break and when I’m better to get back with him. It’s just so much and I’m so confused:(

G :)

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous🤷🏽‍♀️ Have you talked to a therapist about this? I recommend you do and also that you think about how you feel about the situation and whether or not you feel your boyfriend asked for consent. It’s up to you how you define that experience, not others. Not me or anyone else you talk to. I know this can be hard with OCD as we are constantly doubting things and want reassurance, but it’s important that you work to understand how you feel about your relationship and what happened. No one else can define what happened but you. I do recommend you do this with a OCD therapist though to avoid creating more doubt cycles as this is such a complicated and hard situation. You’ve got this

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