Is anyone else afraid to get better? I’ve read different reasons why people with OCD might feel that way, but none of them really connected with me. If you do, what are your reasons? I don’t know if I can explain exactly how I feel. In this weird disturbing way, I want to get worse. I want to develop more health conditions. But I think deep down I just want my problems to be seen by others so I can finally have some validation. That, or my depression wants excuses for me to give up… eh, I think I found my two reasons 🤣 can anyone relate?

My biggest issue with things in my life are not feeling confident in things I want to do and feeling doubtful combined with anxiety. It makes me not want to do a whole lot of things outside of my comfort zone because I either feel I'm not ready for them or I don't deserve them. In the back of my mind, my brain tells me that I've done something in relation to POCD because of porn when I was a teenager and a time I tried to help a minor with OCD. Or that I've committed sexual harassment because of a time I tried to zip up a bag but didn't tuck my arm and it touched someone's behind when really I just didn't want to keep listening to my OCD about how much of a bad person I would be or bad things would happen if I didn't tuck my arm. I thought I would just very slightly brush up contact and it wouldn't matter that much but it just ended up happening in the worst way. I remember how extremely depressed this made me and I just feel like I don't deserve to go on because of these kind of thoughts, memories, and worries. These worries are what keeps me down from really living my life. Another part of this is I feel I need to just have my needs met before I can really carry on in life I also know that I can't keep waiting for things to feel right when I need to do them. Is this a sign of Just Right OCD? Needing my feelings to feel just right in order for me to do someone I really want to? I act on my feelings more than I do my rational and it definitely shows in my anxiety. This stuff holds my back on my dream goals, trying to get experience with relationships, going to school, and just overall being happier and caring a lot less about anxiety. I don't know how to get rid of them. I just try to let them pass. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. Being up at night is a trigger for this for sure.

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

Does anyone who has gotten better/healed with OCD ever experience that their thoughts and urges get more difficult as you get better. I feel like I am getting better at handling certain things but I feel like now newer themes and such get more difficult as I progress. I was curious if this is kind of the process to getting better. Weirdly, like it makes sense the closer you are to getting better thoughts become worst and stronger since you are doing better. Just need to keep on pushing and doing what I have been. Let me know, would love to hear your guys thoughts and feedback