Hey guys. This is a long read but pls check it out.
Have you ever reached a point in your life where the big things felt small and the small things felt big?
Recently, a lot of traumas and obsessions that I struggled to recover from no longer take up space like they used to. I never once thought that this would be possible.
Life is so weird. It’s so strange.
It’s such a bizarre moment where you become worried about how long it’ll take to cook a meal, or whether the weather the next day is okay for the activities you have planned. Or anything else that’s mundane and ordinary and It’s such a beautiful point to reach.
Guys. Conquering OCD and being able to manage it. Really makes you feel like you can get through anything. To think a few months back I was on the verge of suicide because I felt to my core that I was a monster and I was a threat to everyone I loved.
You guys may think you hate yourselves but you are doing something so beautiful for yourselves by trying to get better.
I remember the first slither of hope I had and how I really had to hold onto that for dear life. Sometimes my grip slipped but just keep holding out hope. You will, I can just feel it, that you’ll all get better.
Looking back it feels like I experienced the same hellish day over and over again just being alone with my thoughts. Now, sometimes they’re still there but like I was saying,they feel so small.
You guys are learning about how your mind works. And once you figure it out you know how to manage it for a life time. And that sounds scary but you know how it operates now. You’re learning more about yourself.
And a huge component of OCD recovery is learning how to sit with the overwhelming and unbearable and suffocating feelings. And that is such an asset to have.
After wailing and weeping for days on end, it feels like no matter what happens next. No matter how traumatising. I know, I truly know that I have space within myself to feel the hard whirlwind of emotions. I know I can bear the intensity of them. And I know that by feeling the height of these emotions, I can get better a lot sooner.
I used to feel like I didn’t trust myself and feel a lot of shame when I remember I used to believe my thoughts. But I don’t think so anymore. I really put all my energy in, to the point I was so drained that I was bed bound, trying to argue and grapple with these thoughts. Trying to win my case.
I hope you all get to a point in your recovery where the small things feel big and big things feel small, again. <3