Okay, I’m going to belt my heart out because I’ve been ashamed for so long that it’s actually killing me inside and yesterday, and even now, I'm still having persistent thoughts that I should just die and not be here. I guess I’ve always suffered from OCD but never really knew until my staring; OCD got so bad during the pandemic that it became unbearable to leave the house. But that's the thing with OCD I've learnt over the years it leaches from one thing and evolves into something else, just when you think you're getting better. Pure evil! In 2015 I had intrusive thoughts thinking I was a paedophile, which was horrible. I had opened up to a friend telling her id been abused as a child. A week later, there was an article saying how most child abuse victims end up being the abusers this set me off , and I was in absolute fear that this would one day be me. Then the Michael Jackson documentary came out, followed by r Kelly's one, both child abusers that I couldn't even watch all of it cause I had full-blown panic attacks. I avoided kids for such a long time, and the thought of even having my own kids became a thing because my OCD had convinced me I was a bad person and sick. But this weirdly passed after a few years as it was just thoughts and not actions Then I developed insomnia, I couldn't sleep for years, and it made me sick. I was on medication, and the anxiety was rife. My OCD cycle was ‘you're not sleeping tonight’ and ‘you will die from not sleeping’ and ‘your gonna lose your job as you're not performing well’ all of these constant thoughts made me go crazy, but even at this point, I didn't know it was OCD, I just thought I was going mad. I didn't know about the OCD cycle or ruminations. Then I researched breath work, and that's solved the problem. So I bloody thought. Then checking Ocd came into the picture where I would consistently be late for work cos I would have to walk back home to my door to make sure it was locked, and the taps were off in case my house would get robbed and flood. I'm still dealing with this one, and it's a nightmare! As the whole journey at work, I'm thinking of floods and theft. Alongside this checking OCD, I developed a staring OCD which started in 2018 when one of my friends asked me if her top was too low, and I looked, and I felt uncomfortable and since can't stop looking at breasts. This type of OCD, by far, is the worst as it's stopping me from living life. I can't even talk to women, and I'm a woman! I'm avoiding all interactions, and the ruminations are full-on that I'm getting headaches. It was only when this type of OCD occurred that I did research and realised it was OCD, and I cried cos I thought it was going mad. I'm trying so hard every day, but the voice in my head to ‘stare’ is always there. It's horrible, and I've never wanted to leave this earth as much as I want to now. I've even prayed to God, which is something I haven't done in 15 years. No one's called me up on it, but I know it's making people feeling uncomfortable as they pull up their tops or do their zips up, and then the anxiety kicks in cos I feel so bad. This OCD is really making me feel like a shit person and that I'm doomed for life. Any help or similar stories would be appreciated. Thank you!