I feel like I’m becoming closer to the truth everyday and I don’t know what to do :(

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

I have really bed harming intrusive thoughts and sometimes feels like it’s feeling! The thoughts happening every day and the hardest part is that I’m testing my self in head all the time if that’s what I am or want!!! Also, so many times feels like I’m been tricking myself and doctor or people and maybe I don’t have OCD, just that maybe it’s me really!!!! How can I know who I am really 🥹???!!??

No I’m not attempting or anything. I am just really in a depressive state as of now. I am so convinced that my fear is real you don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a reality where this is all gone. But honestly I don’t know if that would change anything. I’m scared that this is who I was all along, and I’ve just been delaying what I will eventually become. I don’t want to do ANYTHING that my intrusive thoughts say AT ALL. But honestly that doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m so convinced of the thought “you’ve been doing it this whole time without realizing it.” I think it’s true now. I feel incredibly stuck. I just want to be hugged :(