When all of this first started I was really afraid. And I was able to distinguish that I was not my thoughts and that I could never do that but now with all the over thinking. I convinced myself that I am these things some how. I feel like now I don’t know anything anymore. Everyone on here says they know they wouldn’t do it but I can’t even say that. Sometimes if I think about it and it actually happening I feel sick but there’s no anxiety. I also feel like no one has the same thoughts as me. I always go back and forth in my head and I can’t tell if it’s me or the other part in my brain telling me these things. I’m just scared and feel like I should be put away forever. I don’t think it’s ocd anymore and I accepted it. But when I think about accepting I get sick to my stomach and cry. It’s just hard. I don’t know myself anymore and I just want to be alone and be away from everyone

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.