I have this one specific intrusive thought that never wants to leave me alone. It’s about my 7 year old sister and it makes me so sad. The first time i had the thought I was sent into a full panic mode. It went away but now it’s back and every time I think about how I have to go home at the end of the night the thought comes and comes strong and it doesn’t stop. The other night the thought came strong and it right after the thought screamed in my head “do it” and I just remember getting up and I went to the bathroom and I kept getting up to try to walk it off in a sense but when I would get up to walk there would be a scenario playing in my that I would end up in her room and it would just play out. Ever since than im scared to go home or see her. I cry sometimes when I see a picture of her at home when she’s not there because im seriously scared that one day I’ll lose control and it’ll happen. I don’t want to go home and there’s no where else for me to go home. I have so much guilt in that house. I share a room so it’s hard for me to just isolate. I feel like this isn’t OCD anymore and ERP won’t help me. I just wish I had enough money to move out or stay somewhere where I can’t hurt my family or anyone. Every day is just so hard. It’s really hard to get through the day. Everyday I just wish something bad could happen to me so I don’t have to continue living this fucking nightmare. Im not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to release how I have been feeling because I really don’t have anyone to tell because im sure people would just say im crazy or a p and I feel like they are probably right. I hate that this is happening to me I wish I could just end up but im too much of a coward to do it

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

A couple of days ago I felt asleep on the coach, and it was 12:50 am when I woke up, so I had to go to my room which is in the other floor (my room is in the first floor and the living room is in the second floor, the architecture is weird but my house is a duplex apartment), in order to go to my room I had to walk through the hallway and my 12-year old brother’s room is nearby, so I felt a lot of anxiety and I was recording a video as proof that I didn’t do anything wrong, the problem is my video wasn’t sent, so I didn’t have proof, reassurance, but I still went downstairs to get to my room, I don’t know what to do, frankly I don’t wanna continue, please can someone help me, I think this is false memory ocd and sexual ocd, but please please help me, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t study I can’t focus on Anything else but this, and my mind really thinks I have done something to my brother, that I have raped him or that I have sexually abused him, I seriously can’t stop thinking about that, and whenever I focus on something else, my mind tells me that I shouldn’t focus on anything else because how can I? “If you rape your little brother you shouldn’t focus on something else” and my mind also thinks that I shouldn’t stop thinking about this because If I stopped my memories could become blurry or could seem like very far away memories, and I wanna have clear memories. Please please help me , I honestly don’t wanna go on, don’t wanna live anymore. I live in Peru, so there are not many expert therapists about ocd or false memory/ sexual ocd, please help

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.