I have this one specific intrusive thought that never wants to leave me alone. It’s about my 7 year old sister and it makes me so sad. The first time i had the thought I was sent into a full panic mode. It went away but now it’s back and every time I think about how I have to go home at the end of the night the thought comes and comes strong and it doesn’t stop. The other night the thought came strong and it right after the thought screamed in my head “do it” and I just remember getting up and I went to the bathroom and I kept getting up to try to walk it off in a sense but when I would get up to walk there would be a scenario playing in my that I would end up in her room and it would just play out. Ever since than im scared to go home or see her. I cry sometimes when I see a picture of her at home when she’s not there because im seriously scared that one day I’ll lose control and it’ll happen. I don’t want to go home and there’s no where else for me to go home. I have so much guilt in that house. I share a room so it’s hard for me to just isolate. I feel like this isn’t OCD anymore and ERP won’t help me. I just wish I had enough money to move out or stay somewhere where I can’t hurt my family or anyone. Every day is just so hard. It’s really hard to get through the day. Everyday I just wish something bad could happen to me so I don’t have to continue living this fucking nightmare. Im not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to release how I have been feeling because I really don’t have anyone to tell because im sure people would just say im crazy or a p and I feel like they are probably right. I hate that this is happening to me I wish I could just end up but im too much of a coward to do it

I feel like I can’t live in that house I have so much guilt and so much anxiety. I feel like I’m a walking danger in that house and I feel like my mind is going to twist it into it happening even though I know I didn’t. I cry knowing I could of her hurt her I always wanted a little sister now I have one and this is what’s happening I feel so terrible. I just want to leave that house and go somewhere where I feel I can’t do no harm. It fucking sucks

@Anonymous🤷🏽‍♀️ i know the thoughts and feelings associated with the thoughts are horrifying and feel so real. but i’ve found that the more time i spend avoiding the person involved in my intrusive thoughts, the worse they get. if i spend some time with them, the thoughts are still in the back of my mind but i realize i’m not acting on my thoughts and it starts to feel normal. and if you aren’t acting on the thoughts, you’ve done nothing wrong. the only thing the thoughts are hurting is yourself.

Yeah it makes me so sad I never had thoughts like this before. And I was just crying saying I could never and than a thought came but what if I want to and it scares because I feel like idk what is real. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore I’ve been like this for two months and it’s only getting worse. I just want to end it all forever because I don’t see it getting better anytime soon and I don’t think I could live like this forever. I’m really afraid of myself right now

@Anonymous🤷🏽‍♀️ when my ocd gets bad i feel the same way u feel. i have been dealing with the same kind of thoughts for several years. i thought it was just depression i never accepted it was ocd. but in reality it’s ocd it’s an illness u will get better just hang in there. also know these thoughts bother u soo much and make u uncomfortable. in reality if u was really a p or liked your sister this situation wouldn’t cause u this much stress or worry. i tell myself the same thing. it’s hard but hang in there we got it. only we can be our biggest help. i never comment but felt the need to. i hope this helps u and whoever is reading and struggling ❤️

How do you deal with that it feels like I get urges and I am not sure how to handle that. I always feel like I need to get out of the situation.

I was going to a regular therapist but I stopped going because of the intrusive thoughts I was getting and I just been really depressed and too busy to go back into regular therapy