I have this one specific intrusive thought that never wants to leave me alone. It’s about my 7 year old sister and it makes me so sad. The first time i had the thought I was sent into a full panic mode. It went away but now it’s back and every time I think about how I have to go home at the end of the night the thought comes and comes strong and it doesn’t stop. The other night the thought came strong and it right after the thought screamed in my head “do it” and I just remember getting up and I went to the bathroom and I kept getting up to try to walk it off in a sense but when I would get up to walk there would be a scenario playing in my that I would end up in her room and it would just play out. Ever since than im scared to go home or see her. I cry sometimes when I see a picture of her at home when she’s not there because im seriously scared that one day I’ll lose control and it’ll happen. I don’t want to go home and there’s no where else for me to go home. I have so much guilt in that house. I share a room so it’s hard for me to just isolate. I feel like this isn’t OCD anymore and ERP won’t help me. I just wish I had enough money to move out or stay somewhere where I can’t hurt my family or anyone. Every day is just so hard. It’s really hard to get through the day. Everyday I just wish something bad could happen to me so I don’t have to continue living this fucking nightmare. Im not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to release how I have been feeling because I really don’t have anyone to tell because im sure people would just say im crazy or a p and I feel like they are probably right. I hate that this is happening to me I wish I could just end up but im too much of a coward to do it

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

A couple of days ago I felt asleep on the coach, and it was 12:50 am when I woke up, so I had to go to my room which is in the other floor (my room is in the first floor and the living room is in the second floor, the architecture is weird but my house is a duplex apartment), in order to go to my room I had to walk through the hallway and my 12-year old brother’s room is nearby, so I felt a lot of anxiety and I was recording a video as proof that I didn’t do anything wrong, the problem is my video wasn’t sent, so I didn’t have proof, reassurance, but I still went downstairs to get to my room, I don’t know what to do, frankly I don’t wanna continue, please can someone help me, I think this is false memory ocd and sexual ocd, but please please help me, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t study I can’t focus on Anything else but this, and my mind really thinks I have done something to my brother, that I have raped him or that I have sexually abused him, I seriously can’t stop thinking about that, and whenever I focus on something else, my mind tells me that I shouldn’t focus on anything else because how can I? “If you rape your little brother you shouldn’t focus on something else” and my mind also thinks that I shouldn’t stop thinking about this because If I stopped my memories could become blurry or could seem like very far away memories, and I wanna have clear memories. Please please help me , I honestly don’t wanna go on, don’t wanna live anymore. I live in Peru, so there are not many expert therapists about ocd or false memory/ sexual ocd, please help