Another imagined scenario at work tonight when washing my hands at the break room sink - every time I finished rinsing my hands, my brain convinced me I had taken them and rubbed them all over the sink. Like cleaning the sink with them in place of a wipe or something. Just over and over. So naturally my response is, oh darn let's wash them again. I was in there forever. This has happened to me when people are in there too and it's so mortifying because I can't stop, and I know people can see me. People waiting to use the sink (or bathroom if I'm in there) makes my compulsions SO much worse. It's just exhausting.

Does anyone fear spreading things to others by using the bathroom? Do you keep needing to wash over and over?

I work at a restaurant and it’s normal to somewhat feel the need to clean a lot of areas to keep the restaurant hospitable. But it’s so obsessive. My hands are incredibly dry because (I am not being dramatic) every minute I am using hand sanitizer and I keep a towel on me so I can wipe tables even if I watched them get wiped down. This isn’t just at my job, but it’s just one of the many examples.

Sigh... I was filling up the keurig to make a tea when suddenly brain goes, "did I forget to wash my hands after going to the washroom last?" Like. Really, brain? YOU are the one making me wash up my forearm every time. YOU are the one making me wash my hands again after doing that exact thing, for fear that the arm recontaminates them. Would I, someone who's been desperately afraid of contaminating others with my bathroom germs since late November (ish) of last year, EVER forget to do something like THAT? I smelled my hands. Scent of the particular soap in my washroom was there. Went up to investigate: the bottom of the sink was wet, and there were "fresh" drips on the countertop. (I recorded this in my journal near the time but I KNOW the doubt will resurface later) I made and drank my tea anyway. Sat with the anxiety for awhile... ended up giving into washing the keurig reservoir and my mug in the sink, lysol wiping a number of other things... I know. It's so far out of character for me to "forget" to do that it is completely absurd. Thing is, I wash my hands up there so frequently that I cannot pick out the specific memory and brain is going to TOWN with that. It's freaking about my clothes being contaminated now... I am not changing. I will wear my robe again. I'm throwing the rest of my coins into the "I did the thing shut up brain" fountain and leaving whatever else it comes up with to "fate". It feels... really horrible, like I'm deliberately inviting my mother's death/illness from contamination of kitchen stuff, but... I also, despite what I've already given into, don't really believe this thought. Yes, it's scary if true, but... it came out of nowhere. Do intrusive thoughts come in this colour too? Daily, I get them with the "did I step in/touch/etc. this nasty thing?" shade, which usually leads to arguing with my brain and other no-nos of anxiety... hm. I feel like I am treading into dangerous territory. Not necessarily that my decision will create what I fear, but if I am doubting memories of doing important washing... will this throw me into a deeper pit, if I cannot even be certain of the measures I take? Even the reasonable ones? Good lord. I'm getting older, but am still too young for a faulty memory like this. Thanks for reading folks. Just had to get this off my chest. I am holding onto the hope that things will be fine and that I won't end up double or triple washing in future just to cement to my fool brain that it was done at all, let alone properly...