Another imagined scenario at work tonight when washing my hands at the break room sink - every time I finished rinsing my hands, my brain convinced me I had taken them and rubbed them all over the sink. Like cleaning the sink with them in place of a wipe or something. Just over and over. So naturally my response is, oh darn let's wash them again. I was in there forever. This has happened to me when people are in there too and it's so mortifying because I can't stop, and I know people can see me. People waiting to use the sink (or bathroom if I'm in there) makes my compulsions SO much worse. It's just exhausting.

Does anyone imagine they are doing their harm thoughts during an action, making you feel like you acted on your thoughts? For example, someone gave me a hug and at the last second I imagined I was touching something I shouldn’t during the hug? I want to make it clear it’s something I have zero desire to do! But the problem is, I thought it on purpose and it makes me sick !! Obviously nothing happened but my mind is telling me that was me trying to do it. Even though it was physically impossible to do. Am I a monster or could this be OCD? I’m freaking out and don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like I’m the exception and that this isn’t OCD. I know I post about this stuff a lot but I’m struggling and don’t know what to do.

I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.

So at night I have these intrusive thoughts that I leave the door wide open. This causes me to fear that someone will walk in the house and harm my family. I also have this back massage device. I fear that if I leave it plugged in on accident a fire will happen. So I went down to make sure that it was not plugged in. The thing is that I never used the massager that day. When I went back up I felt like I opened the front door (an entrance to my house) even though I didn't. I had to get my wife to check the door other wise I would not have slept. When I checked it I became more insecure. This has been reoccurence with me.