I’m struggling right now. I felt better last night and earlier today about the mistake I made again last night. Now, however, as I am sitting out here in the living room with my family the guilt is growing and I am having a hard time not ruminating about it. A part of me wants to confess but I don’t think I ever could because it’s too embarrassing and humiliating. I don’t know why but seeing my family seems to make my mistakes come to the forefront of my mind.

Thank you this helps to hear! Luckily my shame tends to keep me from ever confessing which I suppose is good because it’s a compulsion. But the guilt, shame, and ruminating make up for that. I think it’s amplified too by the fact that it was done intentionally not accidentally and I have made this mistake more than once. Sometimes ocd and being really sheltered combine to make every bad thing I do seem dramatically bad and I can’t differentiate the actual gravity of my actions.

@Have a sunflower🌻 These things aren’t “bad.” “Bad” is just an opinion. We have all intentionally done things that other people may not necessarily like but it’s also not our job to please everyone. Stop beating yourself up.

@Have a sunflower🌻 Hi Have a sunflower. I think I understand your OCD more now after reading this post... I basically struggle with the exact same thing you do, of feeling the need to confess things to others. It could be a specific action I did (even something that isn't bad in anyway at all) or even just a random thought in my mind that my OCD will make me feel "guilty?" about, I will know that it's irrational but it won't matter to my OCD, it will still scream at me all day sometimes. Unfortunately for me though, no matter matter how embarrassing or irrational the thought is, it won't stop me from confessing it to my wife or somebody else though. The only way I truly find peace over it though is by simply trying my best to ignore the thought instead of obessing and ruminating about it. It doesn't always work though, and the thoughts will still stay in my mind all day even sometimes, but it has it's moments where it helps me though, it really does. I'm not saying it's the same exact advice that an OCD therapist would offer though, so this might not be the best advice, I'm just really not sure to be honest. Do whatever is best and beneficial for you though friend. Being around family triggers my OCD a lot more sometimes too, I'll feel better when I'm alone sometimes though, but that makes me sad because I love my family and want to be around them. But i think in time it will get better for us, I really do, we just can't give up friend. I would recommend not confessing what you're worrying about right now though. But trust me, I can relate to how difficult it can be not to... but just try your best to sit with the uncertainty of the worry in your mind (without ruminating over it) and eventually it will start to fade away. I hope I could be of some help! Have a great day Have a sunflower! God bless! :)

@Maybe,MaybeNot Thank you for saying this! Sometimes these things can be so hard to tell yourself when your spiraling and it helps to hear it from someone else.

@Drew777 Thank you for sharing! Ya it does sound like our ocd shares some similarities. I’m sorry you feel the need to confess and can’t help it even if it’s embarrassing. Sometimes too it can be so hard to differentiate if the thoughts or actions you do are truly bad or just bad to your ocd. Again though I think I get really caught in the ocd spiral when the action I regret was done on purpose not accidentally or without intention. Ocd is really good at convincing you that this time it is different and isn’t actually ocd. I am sorry ocd makes you want to be isolated from your family sometimes. I understand how lonely and disheartening and guilty it can make you feel!

@Have a sunflower🌻 You're welcome, I hope I didn't steal the spotlight though... but you're right, it is difficult to differentiate if thoughts are truly bad or just bad in the eyes of our OCD. I guess that's just the constant war we're in though... If you dont mind me asking Have a sunflower, what's an example of something you would say you regretted that you did on purpose that you obsessed over? I hope that's not insensitive of me to ask you, if it is insensitive then please don't feel like you have to answer my question, and also if it is insensitive then I sincerely apologize... :( the reason I'm asking though is because I just don't understand my OCD, and I've been dealing with it for 9 years now..... :( I feel like if I could just relate to someone on a more specific level, it would help me feel more at peace with all of this... maybe... You're very correct in what you said though about how OCD is good at convincing you that this time it is different and isn't actually OCD... I have that happen all the time, i think to myself "if I just apologize for this one last thing, then I'll feel better and my OCD will never bother me again"... unfortunately I've been saying that for 9 years though... there never is just "one last thing", there will always be something else to replace it at some point or another... I'm sorry if this reply is depressing, it wasn't ever intended to be friend... I just kind of started venting honestly. Also, was it annoying of me to just share my struggle before? I feel like maybe it was an overabundance of information... so I'm sorry. but maybe even me saying THIS is just my OCD too... ugh... I just don't know if it me overthinking or not. Oh well, it'll all be okay. Anyways, aside from my big rant, I hope you're having a lovely night friend. :)

@Drew777 That is actually exactly the advice an OCD specialist would give- I’m a therapist with OCD training and with OCD 😊 stopping yourself from ruminating and not focusing on the thoughts is exactly what I tell me clients, and also, not confessing. If the anxiety or thought sticks, we are often doing some other kind of mental compulsion, such as checking to see if it still bothers up or bracing ourselves for when the thought returns. Here’s a great article about this. https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/awareness-attention-distraction-and-rumination/

@Drew777 Stop apologizing! You are allowed to do and say whatever you want! Some of my confessions include things like telling a story but then feeling like I didn’t tell it 100% truthfully and having to go back and retell it, if I feel as though I may have been flirtatious I feel like I have to tell my fiancé, if I feel like I lied or may have broken something I feel like I have to tell my fiancé. Now my therapist makes me lie on purpose for exposure lol. I’m getting better at it.

@Drew777 As Maybe,MaybeNot says you have nothing to apologize for. I could probably give a lot of examples but off the top of my head basically any intrusive thought, lying, I’ll go through and check my previous conversations to see if I exaggerated at all, (this may be triggering) anything even remotely sexual in nature all would cause me to obsess and feel guilty. The things I have done recently on purpose that I regret are slightly sexual in nature and I wouldn’t want it to trigger you so I’ll leave it at that. Your fear of being annoying or sharing too much definitely sounds like anxiety with some undertones of ocd in there. Of course, I am no expert but that urgency you feel to immediately apologize sounds like it may even be a compulsion. That’s ok though because it takes time to recognize these things. It’s all a process and there is no time frame for it!

@Maybe,MaybeNot I don't know... I wouldn't say I can say or do "whatever" I want, but I appreciate the sentiment behind what you mean by that. :) Yeah, i feel like I have to say sentences over and over again sometimes if I mumble ever so slightly or stumble over a word. Lying on purpose sounds a bit surprising to me as a form of ERP... but maybe I'm speaking out of ignorance, as I have yet to ever do ERP myself. Much less go to therapy, at least not for years anyway. Thanks for sending the article, I'll read it after work tomorrow! :) it's honestly kind of reassuring to know that an OCD therapist even struggles with OCD themselves, no offense though, I'm sorry you have to deal with it too.

@Have a sunflower🌻 I hope I wasn't asking you anything too personal... thanks for being comfortable and sharing though, but for also being careful not too trigger me or anyone else reading. And yeah, things of a sexual nature tend to be something I struggle with as well, they are something I obsess about and will often times feel guilty about. Yes, my apologizing is indeed a compulsion, I've been dealing with it ever since I realized I had OCD 9 years ago. And definitely anxiety too... And yes, it is all a process, and unfortunately there is no time frame for it... but all we can do is our best. Thanks for talking with me, I'm going to go to bed now though, its 12:47 a.m. here. Have a good day/night Have a sunflower! Talk to you again soon! :)

@Drew777 Haha I don’t tell big lies, just things like what I ate for dinner or I tell a story and leave a detail out. And yes, it’s very difficult to be a therapist sometime while going through this myself, but helping others with this is a huge motivation for recovery.

@Maybe,MaybeNot It sounds like a small thing to lie about "what I ate for dinner", but I know if I did lie about that intentionally I would feel terrible and guilty about it. And yeah, I don't know how you deal with your own OCD but then you still have to be a professional therapist for others too on top of it. That sounds very difficult. I think it's great that you have the ability to do that though, awesome job friend.

@Drew777 Yes the white lies caused me A LOT of anxiefy at first but it’s gotten a lot easier. Like why should we feel bad about lying about what we ate for dinner? Who cares? But it’s something I needed to do because I will think about something I said 2 years ago and think omg was that a lie and do I need to confess it and it creates a lot of turmoil so I had to learn to be more comfortable with not always being 100% honest about everything all the time. And yes, it’s difficult, but I force myself to put into practice what I am teaching others and try to be a roll model. It’s hard but it helps. I expect to be back in full recovery again soon like I was before and use my experience to keep helping others.

@Maybe,MaybeNot Hmm... I see what you're saying, I really do, but i can't say that I 100% in all ways agree with the idea of that specific "white lie" kind of treatment. But if it has helped you then I think that's awesome and that you should continue doing that treatment. I think ERP treatment in itself can help anyone with OCD, but what specifically that ERP treatment is for someone should be considered carefully otherwise I believe it could maybe prove to be problematic for someone. But I'm no expert, and I haven't even ever had ERP therapy before, so who am I to be spreading my opinion on the subject? Anyways, thank you for listening to me ramble. But more importantly thank you for giving me good advice and for caring friend. I hope you're having a good day Maybe,MaybeNot. :)

@Drew777 I understand what you mean, I think your opinion on whether or not telling white lies as an exposure is probably influenced by the fact that it would give you a lot of anxiety- but that’s the whole point of ERP. And everyone is going to tell white lies so we may as well get used to it! I recommend you look into getting some ERP also. Glad we got to chat.