I do think I’ll ever be able to be intimate again and I feel bad for my boyfriend. I feel like breaking up with him but I just can’t do it. But if I do it’ll be one less worry on my end. He know of my anxiety and depression. He said his biggest fear was being with someone who has a mental illness. I don’t satisfy his needs anymore. He said his brother asked him if it was worth it and my boyfriend said he doesn’t want to be alone. So I’m not sure what we are both doing. I feel like breaking up with him after all the holidays are over. Or maybe I won’t if I can do erp and be in a better mental head space. I just hate that this happened to me and I let it get so bad.

I started medication and it was working but than I would freak out about how the thoughts were mine and real. And than I freak out when they go away because it’ll be like I was faking. So I would hope for them to come back so I can fix them. But I don’t want them at all and I can’t help but think. So I’m just scared of ERP not working and I’m just damaged forever:(

I’m really happy for you though!! I’m glad you are getting there

@Anonymous:,( I went in the same way and thinking it would not work but it does. It is not easy, but it can be done. I am routing for you. We are in this all together.

@Jeffrey Thank you I appreciate you :)

Yeah he tries to be he just doesn’t understand and I really don’t want to tell him everything because it’ll be on my conscious. He’s been there to hear me talk about how I been feeling depressed. The reason my intrusive thoughts and ocd started was because something that happened between me and him that was so stupid and everyone I told said it wasn’t what happened and I struggled so hard and I still am. Im struggling with so many worries. Sometimes I just feel better off leaving him and being single because mental illness is a lot for me let alone a significant other. I just hate all these feelings

@Anonymous:,( Are you having obsessions about the relationship? Like feeling like you did something “wrong” or like you are sure about your feelings? I have “cheating OCD” so I may be able to help a little

@Maybe,MaybeNot It was intimate. We were being intimate and I had fell asleep and I just kinda remember waking up to him starting to be intimate with me but I was like half asleep. So 2 months after that what happened kinda kept popping up in my head and I tried to brush it off. But than I got saying that he had SA me and than that’s when all I kept repeating what happened and seeking reassurance from him and everyone I knew. Everyone told me it wasn’t SA and I felt crazy because I thought that. So now I’m stuck with thoughts of SA and POCD. It just sucks. Than since this happened I kinda blame him for the intrusive thoughts and my mom said if I really love him I would be able to forgive and I’m trying but it’s hard. Than I feel like leaving him because of this and sometimes I feel like I don’t love him but when I feel like leaving him it kinda hurts because we had such a good relationship and I pictured myself with him forever and having kids. But that one situation ruined everything. It ruined my life and I’ve been living this nightmare for 3-4 months. And I really don’t think I’ll get better. Sometimes I can’t even distinguish my thoughts or ocd thoughts or what’s intrusive. So it’s hard.

@Anonymous:,( I’m so sorry to hear this. This really is in the gray area and I think it’s just a matter of opinion. Some people feel as though it is SA if they are half asleep or woken up that way, and some people are perfectly fine with it. There are things to take into consideration, like whether or not you said no-out loud or nonverbally, if you were awake enough to function and be aware of what was going on, etc. Anyways, this is a personal choice, and you don’t need to do the “figuring out” compulsion to see if you should label it as SA. It doesn’t have to be labeled as that for you to make a decision about what you would like to do about it. So whether or not it is SA, it’s really up to you if you feel like the pros outweigh the cons and you’d like to stay in the relationship. But I wouldn’t leave just because you can’t identify whether or not for sure it was SA.

@Maybe,MaybeNot I know it I told myself the samething that I shouldn’t freak out over something like that but I did. And I felt that way and when were intimate again it scared me. I want to stay with him because I know I love him. It’s just hard because my therapist told me I made the whole SA up in order to deal with my other issues but it doesn’t make sense. When I think when she said I made it up than it makes me feel like I made up all the terrible intrusive I have been having. I pray for it to go away but it doesn’t. And when it does go away I worry about it and it’s like why am I worried that it’s not here if that’s what I want to go away. I can’t have a clear mind maybe for a couple of seconds than it’s gone. I’m either thinking about all the intrusive thoughts and worries or if not when my mind is clear I think of a song in my head to keep it clear. I just want my mind to be clear again with out these thoughts and overthinking. I want to be able to have sex and not be afraid but I feel like I never will and this is it for I’m going crazy and I’ll never recover. Maybe there’s nothing to recover if this is made up I’m just permanently damaged forever and it sucks I never expected something like to happen to me. I always have constant struggles everything in my life is shit and this is just the last straw. Thank you for your responses. If you read this and don’t respond I understand! Thank you again :)

@Anonymous:,( I’m not 100% sure of all the details of this situation, or whether or not your therapist is right in saying you made it up that it was SA, but I do thinks it’s deffinitely possible, as many people with OCD blow things way out of proportion. But in a sense, it doesn’t really matter. You don’t have to figure out if it was SA or not- maybe it’s just a matter of opinion anyway. All that matters is do you want to stay with him or not. Even if it was SA, that doesn’t mean you couldn’t forgive him and move on from it and still be with him. I know of people who have done that. It is just about what you want. And just because you are struggling with this does not mean you are permanently damaged. I have felt the same as you before, felt suicidal, and was able to recover. We just have to use the tools we are given and commit to them. You can’t keep going back to thought. I know it’s scary to let go of it but you are sabotaging your own recovery by doing that. You have to accept that you don’t know for sure, and you really don’t need to know for sure anyway.