It’s been difficult to make the active choice not to ruminate, because it feels as though I am letting myself off the hook for something I am not allowed to let myself off the hook for, which creates guilt, and then fear that the guilt will never go away unless I confess. But whenever the thought comes up, I keep choosing to let it go again, even if I started ruminating for a few seconds. There are times where it gets easier and I get a break from the thought. It sucks so much, and is very hard work, but I am choosing to do this every day until I am in recovery. I will do this every day even if the thought never goes away because I am never willing to give up trying to get my life back.

I’ve noticed that I’m somewhat happier also ignoring my thoughts than I am instead of doing compulsions (I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired atp) but I’ve heard you’re technically supposed to do erp rather than pushing under the rug. But idk if I have a thought I just refuse to think about it again and im fine even if I want to do compulsions

So hard to not engage the thoughts because even though it's from the "past" (i don't even know if im remembering things correctly and it kills me) and i can't change it, I just NEED to prove it to myself that it didn't happen this way. If you'd asked me questions maybe a few months ago, I would have been able to lucidly explain things. Now I just feel like I'm in a constant swarm of thoughts, not knowing if anything is real. If my brain is to be trusted. Wish I could just get hypnosis to forget

I’m having a hard time this morning. I’m always living this anxiety of what if I harmed my son on a specific occasion. I know that I’ve look at it a million times and no amount of ruminating is going to give me the 100% assurance that I am looking for. It’s just hard when it ties in with my religious OCD and thinking that there may be sin here that I need to repent of. It’s like I’m holding onto it and I just don’t know what to do.