If you get triggered very easily like me. I would NOT recommend reading!!! I wrote a whole ass essay lmao. I’m just venting about my obsession they are really crazy and feel very real. I feel like if any of you were to read this you would think I do deserve to go to a mental hospital or something. I feel that way too but I don’t want to end up there I want to get better. My whole entire life I’ve been obsessive. So many obsessive thoughts and fear. It has never been to this extent it would only last a couple of hours and it would go away. I was and am an over thinker. So when it first started I thought once I get my answers it would go away but it didn’t it wasn’t enough. I had been obsessed for like 2 months. My obsession turned into intrusive thoughts. I began to google dug myself I’m a hole. Decided I need help and I need to get out of this as soon as possible. I wanted it to leave as soon as it came. Ever since I started medication sometimes I feel like it took away the obsessiveness but some how I ended up still thinking the way I was before medication if that makes any sense. I just kinda remember looking back at photos of me and missing and wanting to be that girl again. Be her, be the person I new before my mind turned into this. I’m the beginning it would feel like a never ending nightmare always worried about my thoughts and obsessions. I would say these new thoughts are temporary when I wake up tomorrow I’ll begin to worry about my original obsession and that was true. Some times I would tell myself like wake up beat your mind. You need to get out of this mental state and be engaged get back to the person you were. I began to have fears of doing stuff in my sleep. Or I had fears of doing stuff that I don’t remember doing. I had fears of what if all these intrusive thoughts started because all along I had a personality hidden inside of me like the movie split and I got thoughts like that but the go away. Than I started to worry about my memory as if I couldn’t remember stuff. Like I was scared of not being able to recall my childhood, memories with friends, family. So I would test my memory. Than I would worry about the way I’m currently living and wondering if I’m the future I’m going to look back at this time in my life and remember it. I’m scared of forgetting this period in my life. I also began to think what if I’m the future I get intrusive thoughts about events that’s that happened and they are twisted and cause me to spiral. Than a coworker told me about a movie called “the beautiful mind” which has to do with a man living in his memories but actually is in a mental hospital because he is schizophrenic. I started to get thoughts what if everyday that’s what happening to me or would think if I keep thinking this way I’m going to end up going in that route. Than I began to worry about forgetting who the people in my life are. Yesterday I started to tell myself who I was and the people important to me because nothing felt real and it was dream. Than at work I started to feel as though no one around me was real. I guess like a simulation. And I would look at my coworkers like you guys are your own people with your own thoughts. It also felt like yesterday if I don’t see you physically you don’t exist to me which doesn’t make sense because I know you exist but for some reason my mind is taking it that way. I see my mom or people I love and I kinda panic because it like you are related to me you know me I know you and you live your own separate life. Than it starts again with the this isn’t real. I’ll look at pictures of the past of myself, my family members, and boyfriend, than I start to get thoughts like I don’t know who they are or don’t remember them. I’m terrified of my OCD making my actual brain forget everyone and everything that’s important to me. So when I’m not getting intrusive thought and it’s just me i try not to think about it because I feel like my brain will start to forget everyone. I try to go on social media to distract but than I start to get thoughts about how they aren’t real or how they live their own lives and stuff. It’s just hard to explain. Sometimes I feel the need to take pictures or write down everyday what I do so I can look back in case I feel like I’ll forget what happened that day. I also feel as tho maybe my dosage in medication is too high and I worry i have an excessive amount of serotonin and maybe that’s why I’m starting to question reality and those around me. Question if life is real or not. Also at work I had spilled a house hold cleaner and I picked it up. I washed my hands after but I have a bad habit of biting my nails and I bit my nail and tasted the cleaner and freaked out. I’m scared the cleaner that I had tasted is in mud system and it’s affecting my medication and my thinking process. Just so many possibilities and I just don’t know what makes sense. Im scared of doing erp for this because it accepting the uncertainty. So it freaks me out because I feel like I have to accept all those things. I have to accept every day I may or may not be living in a dream, simulation, my memories, and everything else I listed. And I feel like it’ll drive me mad. I’m scared that I won’t recover and I won’t get to live a normal life like I use too. I have so much anxiety writing this but this all how I feel and it must sound crazy and if you read this thank you and I hope you don’t get triggered but this how I feel and I don’t see it getting better. If you read all the way through and have advice please comment! Also thank you for taking the time to read this I hope you have a great day!!