Why is my mind that much ugly? Since i was born..

Was I a bad person before this life and is God punishing me. Sometimes I think I have a reverse punishment. Like God knew I'd be a horrible adult so that's why I was abused as a kid. I wasn't horribly abused but I didn't really realize I was until my psychiatrist told me I was. I hate myself

My real-events are terrible. I'm plagued daily by multiple awful things I did as a child / teenager (please don't downplay it.) I've grown into a better person, but the memories won't let me see any progress. It feels as if my insides are dying from grief and shame. How do you go day to day not picturing yourself as a monster?

I got a thought while looking at a picture of a kid saying that she’s going to look good when she’s older. Why did I have this thought? I know it’s not even true, as peoples appearance change as they grow up. Does this mean I was attracted to this kid? Did I think this image of a kid was pretty in a way that suggested me to have this thought? I know I’m supposed to label these thoughts as ocd but how do I know I don’t truly believe this thought.