Just realized my friends don't actually like me that much which is fun. I found this happens a lot like I always end up as a backup friend. I'm not sure if I'm fundamentally unlileable or if it'd my refusal to emotionally open up to any human being on the planet. Cuz when I did I had a connection with people but the I stopped cuz ya know people. So idk

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

Mann this isn't any ocd problems but like I feel like some of my friends just ignores me or like I know they like me but they just don't interact me back and they block me then unblock me and never followed me back am I too annoying for them or am I just this annoying for my whole life I mean I made it my whole persona I do jokes i make them laugh but I feel like its not enough of them I'm already crying can someone comfort me ...

I don’t know what to do anymore I made a friend recently in college and was texting her the other night and she mentioned she was doing her nails and I said nice and asked her if I could see. Because I was curious about what she did to them this time around and since then she has not responded to me I apologized to her saying I’m sorry if it bothered her but still nothing. Some of my friends just don’t answer me anymore I feel like I’m a burden of the ones who do still talk me I’m so done with it all. I’m tired of trying to find love as well I feel nothing to it anymore it’s only left me with disappointment and sadness I feel like I’m an unlovable husk of a person and that I would only ever be a bother I cannot fathom the idea of someone loving ME I just can’t I feel like it’s impossible I feel like everything about me bothers people to the point where I think is it even something I should try to achieve anymore. I should honestly block myself from trying to make new friends and relationships I’m so so tired of it. I feel unappreciated and annoyed that I am the one that has to try to keep up any sort of relationship because if I don’t reach out they never will reach out to me the reason I know this is because it’s been proven time after time since middle school that I am nothing to these people and I might as well no longer try. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m going to be all alone for the rest of my life I’m just so lonely now.