Another vent I’m so sorry! I just come to realize that I feel like I’m the only one struggling and doing this to myself. It sucks because I look at the people around and I wish I could be like them. I don’t want to be obsessive. I don’t want these thoughts and worries. Realizing this is forever sucks. I’m crying again. I’m always crying because I’m such an emotional person. I hate it. It’s so funny because everytime I always feel like I’m doing better like no crying and stuff but it only last a couple weeks or days. I just don’t know if I can live a fulfilling life.

I feel like I'm failing at life. The friends I do have left are already living their lives, going to college, getting good jobs. All I do is sit at home overthink constantly horrible things. I have a hard time suriving working at a small retail job. And I don't really have any passion for a career. I wish more than anything I thought normally so I could have a decent t least life....why did I have to be like this? I'm sorry for the random rant

My niece made me a sticky note that says “(her name) luvs Auntie.” It’s soooo sweet. She even put it on my mirror because she saw that I have sticky notes on there (for positive affirmations when I get ready and stuff). Anyways it just hurts that I love her so much but I’m afraid of hurting her. I would never do that but just the thought of that potentially happening and all that OCD does surrounding these thoughts, I wanna unalive myself fr. I just want to love the people in my life without worry. I’m so tired. I hate how I can look at that sticky note and think “awwww.” and then immediately my mind presents me with the darkest thoughts and I fall into a depression. So so tired. Also, my intrusive thoughts stem from being around a predator in my childhood. I was related to that person and in my early to mid teenage years I was afraid of becoming like them. Sometimes I think if I was never exposed to them or kept around that person and if I had people in my life who actually protected me, I would be better off now. I’m so tired man. Life doesn’t seem worth living when your brain tries to twist everything you care about into something like that of a nightmare

I see people living their lives and just enjoying themselves. Not taking things too seriously and not overly stressing. And then there’s me. Who stresses at the slightest thing. Whose OCD has taken massive chunks of my life that I’ll never get back. It feels like I’m going through life just terrified of my own f*cking shadow… Any small thing I have to deal with that to anyone else might just cause slight inconvenience or nervousness, causes me to have an almost complete and utter breakdown. WHY CANT I HANDLE LIFE. I am so ashamed of who I am. I want to be someone who is brave and courageous and who does things and lives life anyway, regardless of fear. But no. I avoid living because of it. Why am I even here if this is how my life is? What is the point? I’m going through it today, friends 😭