TW/tmi I know I’ve mentioned it on here before, but the idea of gaining a lot of weight is a fetish to me(I’m really sorry and mean no offense to anyone who struggles with weight). My psychiatrist said I shouldn’t worry, so long as it doesn’t victimize anyone (which I never seek after that). But I used to look up imagines like “imagine someone fed you” etc. Unfortunately, some people posted furry stuff related to weight gain or in the imagines the person would say “pig” to the person. Both the furry thing and calling someone a pig I found very disturbing, and that again wasn’t what I was looking for. But one time I saw a pig keychain on my professors bag, then I started imagining her gaining weight (again I’m so sorry). I didn’t imagine her as a pig, just herself, but I just feel sick. I don’t want to be a warped person. I remember when my roommate told me the synopsis of the first black mirror and it sent me through a panic attack and I felt disgusted. I don’t want to harm people and I don’t want to harm animals, nor do I want to make excuses though. yet I can’t shake this anxiety.

I never heard of that. I'm not sure. Ask your therapist if they do ERP therapy. Supposedly it works really well

Is the fantasy that you gain weight or that people around you do?

Hi, I fantasize about myself gaining weight. I have had crushes on guys who are overweight, but I’ve also had crushes on guys who are various shapes and sizes, so I don’t like “target” a guy due to weight or something, I hope that makes sense. Even if people online had talked about their weight gain, I always imagine that being me. So, sorry what I mean to say is that I fantasize about it happening to me.

What I hate about this is that this fantasy did not become a thing until after something I’d rather not talk about happened to me. I just want to be normal, live life free from anxiety.

So the problem is you're having sexual thoughts about people who you don't want to have sexual thoughts about?

No, the fetish is unwanted. If I have a fantasy, it’s a faceless guy in my mind. When I thought about my professor that one time, it was more like a thought I had of, “if I were a guy and she was overweight, I would want to care for her and unconditionally love her.” It was a time in my life where I was fristrated with guys in my circle of acquaintances who were shallow, so I had wished I could be a guy who was body positive. It wasn’t a matter of doing something to her, and at the time I just dismissed the thought because I had gone through HOCD so many times, but lately I attached meaning to it. So, I wish the fetish would go away of me gaining weight and how it happens to me. I don’t fantasize about people except a fake person in my mind, nor do I wish to do anything to anyone really. I’m sorry, I hope this all makes sense.

I see. Have you gone to a therapist for exposure response prevention therapy?

I’ve been going to a therapist, but we’ve been doing cognitive distortion recognition. Can that be in the same vein as ERP? Problem is, I feel like I can’t decipher what is horrible about me or not, so I tend to err on the side of everything is detrimental about me. In turn, I confess quite a bit, which I guess is what I did in this initial post. However, I don’t realize how much I am confessing, until someone like a friend or family member says, “you’ve told me this like x amount of times.”

Okay thank you. Also, thank you very much for conversing with me. It helps to communicate with someone about this stuff.

I agree! I'm so glad I found this app. Sorry I couldn't be of more help!