I talked to my little sister about what happened when we were kids. I think I blocked it out growing up because I thought it was gross when I realized it was wrong and then thought oh well we were kids. She never said anything to me until now during a fight and we always had a bad relationship from ages 18-now (I’m 24 and she’s 23) this happened when we were in elementary school maybe 7-8 years old? I would do stuff with her sexually from stuff I’d seen online. And back then I think it was mutual. I don’t ever remember forcing her to do anything, I probably tried to seduce her into doing it and there was one time I recall she said “no” and I cried and left. I remember being sad because it was fun for me and I enjoyed it and now that I’m older saying that makes me sick to my stomach. I have never been attracted to my sister or anyone in my family in that way the older I got. I weirdly started to realize that wasn’t right. Idk how it stopped but it just did. It was never recurring for months and years, maybe a few times and that was it? But I do know I was the instigator, it was me who wanted to “play”. I liked it. Again, I feel gross. I’ve always been with men and I never felt romantic with women, I’ve kissed girls but it was whatever never anything sexual and I have been confused if I was bi but the thought of it makes me wanna vomit because of the connection to what happened as kids. She spent most of my life torturing me and being cruel, but we were still oddly close! We would hangout everyday and take pictures and had bf’s and texted and FaceTimed, we were best friends but she’d always be awful to me and up until now I always thought what did I do!!! Leave me alone!! And now I realize it’s that: she said she was over it and she’s been wanting to be close to me forever but after she dated this one really bad guy when she was 13, she got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, she strips now and she has got beat up and almost killed several times. So I chose to stay away because I don’t respect her life style and because it’s put me at harm too many times and I have so many mental health issues that I just wanna be happy and she kept bringing me trauma and anxiety. I think that her being mean to me as a kid was well deserved I mean I was a dumb idiot kid, I honestly hated myself then and even now I HATE that version of me, I wish I could go back and actually be there for me because all I ever wanted was attention and to feel close and maybe that’s why I did that? Maybe it made me feel close??? Idk! I was exposed to sex pretty early and was humping the bed and loved seeing sex on screen. I remember we’d play with a neighbor like this too and she would play with her but not with me and that’d make me sad and cry and feel excluded. I was a messed up fucking kid and we talked and we’re okay she just wants to be friends and she never stopped wanting that. But it’s hard to want that when she won’t even take accountability for being mean even, she just blames me for everything and that included things that actually aren’t real, she does this stuff where she things everyone has to kiss her ass and she does have bipolar disorder and depression and her and my mom have similarities I don’t get along with their of them. Idk. It’s just hard forgiving myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Even tho she seems to be totally fine and doesn’t care, she mostly said that to hurt me and get a reaction and then talk about it so we can be cool. IDK IM STUCK. This is too long and fucked up I don’t expect a response I’m just letting it out before I can find a therapist to talk to, it’s been hard finding one.