I talked to my little sister about what happened when we were kids. I think I blocked it out growing up because I thought it was gross when I realized it was wrong and then thought oh well we were kids. She never said anything to me until now during a fight and we always had a bad relationship from ages 18-now (I’m 24 and she’s 23) this happened when we were in elementary school maybe 7-8 years old? I would do stuff with her sexually from stuff I’d seen online. And back then I think it was mutual. I don’t ever remember forcing her to do anything, I probably tried to seduce her into doing it and there was one time I recall she said “no” and I cried and left. I remember being sad because it was fun for me and I enjoyed it and now that I’m older saying that makes me sick to my stomach. I have never been attracted to my sister or anyone in my family in that way the older I got. I weirdly started to realize that wasn’t right. Idk how it stopped but it just did. It was never recurring for months and years, maybe a few times and that was it? But I do know I was the instigator, it was me who wanted to “play”. I liked it. Again, I feel gross. I’ve always been with men and I never felt romantic with women, I’ve kissed girls but it was whatever never anything sexual and I have been confused if I was bi but the thought of it makes me wanna vomit because of the connection to what happened as kids. She spent most of my life torturing me and being cruel, but we were still oddly close! We would hangout everyday and take pictures and had bf’s and texted and FaceTimed, we were best friends but she’d always be awful to me and up until now I always thought what did I do!!! Leave me alone!! And now I realize it’s that: she said she was over it and she’s been wanting to be close to me forever but after she dated this one really bad guy when she was 13, she got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, she strips now and she has got beat up and almost killed several times. So I chose to stay away because I don’t respect her life style and because it’s put me at harm too many times and I have so many mental health issues that I just wanna be happy and she kept bringing me trauma and anxiety. I think that her being mean to me as a kid was well deserved I mean I was a dumb idiot kid, I honestly hated myself then and even now I HATE that version of me, I wish I could go back and actually be there for me because all I ever wanted was attention and to feel close and maybe that’s why I did that? Maybe it made me feel close??? Idk! I was exposed to sex pretty early and was humping the bed and loved seeing sex on screen. I remember we’d play with a neighbor like this too and she would play with her but not with me and that’d make me sad and cry and feel excluded. I was a messed up fucking kid and we talked and we’re okay she just wants to be friends and she never stopped wanting that. But it’s hard to want that when she won’t even take accountability for being mean even, she just blames me for everything and that included things that actually aren’t real, she does this stuff where she things everyone has to kiss her ass and she does have bipolar disorder and depression and her and my mom have similarities I don’t get along with their of them. Idk. It’s just hard forgiving myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Even tho she seems to be totally fine and doesn’t care, she mostly said that to hurt me and get a reaction and then talk about it so we can be cool. IDK IM STUCK. This is too long and fucked up I don’t expect a response I’m just letting it out before I can find a therapist to talk to, it’s been hard finding one.

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.

i need some kind words or maybe some advice? basically i went through trauma as a kid including sexual, and acted out in disturbing ways. I’ve done things i regret. even as an early teenager i did also. the only weird things ive done recently were compulsions and weird ocd driven stuff… but besides that ive found it easy to forgive myself for a lot of stuff because i know myself and my intentions and also talking to people helps. but one thing that’s hard is when im intimate with others or in a relationship. i feel so gross and undeserving like if they knew everything ive done in my life they would hate me. I don’t tell everyone everything, i think i only did that with therapists and like one family member. I feel like if I don’t tell someone everything I’ve done that I regret and see if they forgive me for it, then that means im “hiding” something about me and being malicious. anything helps :(

Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother and maybe he shouldn’t idk who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on I’m in my junior year and I saw one of the people and immediately just got crushed with the guilt and spiraled of how actually shameful I am if I tell any of my friends they’ll just leave or worse