I talked to my little sister about what happened when we were kids. I think I blocked it out growing up because I thought it was gross when I realized it was wrong and then thought oh well we were kids. She never said anything to me until now during a fight and we always had a bad relationship from ages 18-now (I’m 24 and she’s 23) this happened when we were in elementary school maybe 7-8 years old? I would do stuff with her sexually from stuff I’d seen online. And back then I think it was mutual. I don’t ever remember forcing her to do anything, I probably tried to seduce her into doing it and there was one time I recall she said “no” and I cried and left. I remember being sad because it was fun for me and I enjoyed it and now that I’m older saying that makes me sick to my stomach. I have never been attracted to my sister or anyone in my family in that way the older I got. I weirdly started to realize that wasn’t right. Idk how it stopped but it just did. It was never recurring for months and years, maybe a few times and that was it? But I do know I was the instigator, it was me who wanted to “play”. I liked it. Again, I feel gross. I’ve always been with men and I never felt romantic with women, I’ve kissed girls but it was whatever never anything sexual and I have been confused if I was bi but the thought of it makes me wanna vomit because of the connection to what happened as kids. She spent most of my life torturing me and being cruel, but we were still oddly close! We would hangout everyday and take pictures and had bf’s and texted and FaceTimed, we were best friends but she’d always be awful to me and up until now I always thought what did I do!!! Leave me alone!! And now I realize it’s that: she said she was over it and she’s been wanting to be close to me forever but after she dated this one really bad guy when she was 13, she got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, she strips now and she has got beat up and almost killed several times. So I chose to stay away because I don’t respect her life style and because it’s put me at harm too many times and I have so many mental health issues that I just wanna be happy and she kept bringing me trauma and anxiety. I think that her being mean to me as a kid was well deserved I mean I was a dumb idiot kid, I honestly hated myself then and even now I HATE that version of me, I wish I could go back and actually be there for me because all I ever wanted was attention and to feel close and maybe that’s why I did that? Maybe it made me feel close??? Idk! I was exposed to sex pretty early and was humping the bed and loved seeing sex on screen. I remember we’d play with a neighbor like this too and she would play with her but not with me and that’d make me sad and cry and feel excluded. I was a messed up fucking kid and we talked and we’re okay she just wants to be friends and she never stopped wanting that. But it’s hard to want that when she won’t even take accountability for being mean even, she just blames me for everything and that included things that actually aren’t real, she does this stuff where she things everyone has to kiss her ass and she does have bipolar disorder and depression and her and my mom have similarities I don’t get along with their of them. Idk. It’s just hard forgiving myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Even tho she seems to be totally fine and doesn’t care, she mostly said that to hurt me and get a reaction and then talk about it so we can be cool. IDK IM STUCK. This is too long and fucked up I don’t expect a response I’m just letting it out before I can find a therapist to talk to, it’s been hard finding one.

i need some kind words or maybe some advice? basically i went through trauma as a kid including sexual, and acted out in disturbing ways. I’ve done things i regret. even as an early teenager i did also. the only weird things ive done recently were compulsions and weird ocd driven stuff… but besides that ive found it easy to forgive myself for a lot of stuff because i know myself and my intentions and also talking to people helps. but one thing that’s hard is when im intimate with others or in a relationship. i feel so gross and undeserving like if they knew everything ive done in my life they would hate me. I don’t tell everyone everything, i think i only did that with therapists and like one family member. I feel like if I don’t tell someone everything I’ve done that I regret and see if they forgive me for it, then that means im “hiding” something about me and being malicious. anything helps :(

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

I’ve always been straight my whole life and I’ve never considered being different nor have i ever had attraction to women but lately I’ve been going through a lot of different thoughts that definitely feel unlike me. When I was a kid and I don’t remember how old I was but im sure like 7 or 8 and my cousin that was I very close to had me do inappropriate things to her that I didn’t really know anything about at that time. After that happened to me I knew it was wrong and I felt so bad and disgusting and scared but at the time I didn’t really know anything and I remember when my mom would drop me over my grandmas house while she would work, I’d take my grandma’s phone and I looked up kissing videos and I saw the kissing scene from Jennifer’s body and looking back on it I just feel so much shame and confusion bc it certainly feels embarrassing. My cousin always liked girls but I never did. I loved sitting and watching Disney movies preferably princess and the frog and wanting to be a princess getting married to a prince just like in all the movies. I knew who I was from a very young age and that never changed about me. When I learned what porn was at an older age, I started becoming hyper sexual so I watched tutorials videos of women to learn how to pleasure myself. When I was a kid and to now I’ve never looked at women in that way. I’ve had best friends and sleepovers it’s never been anything sexual, romantic, or intimate. Just simply innocent friendships and hangouts. When I got to high school that’s when i started remembering what happened to me and i remember how the girls would talk about their first kisses and i remembered my sa and how I felt so scared to say anything to anyone bc I didn’t want people to think badly of me simply bc my first kiss was like that so I would simply just not say anything. Lately I’ve been having obsessive thoughts out of nowhere wondering if my sexuality has changed or if im bi or is it just my thoughts? I’ve always had ocd and even in school, the kids would pick at me because I always eat my food in order and by the lightest color. But lately it’s gotten worse. It’s like I’ve never had thoughts like this nor have I ever been like this. Not even when I was a child. And humans question themselves of course but this feels like something different. I’ve gotten distant from my best friend who’s also a girl and I’ve just cut off social media and female friend relationships at all because for some reason my brain tells me that it’s “gay” to even hug your friends or hold their hands anymore like you used to do when you were kids. I even got to a point where I would watch women porn and try to masturbate just to see if I was attracted to it or not like that’s how bad the thoughts got. It felt like an evil voice was in my head trying to convince me and sweet talk me to do and enjoy those disgusting things even when my body didn’t want to. I eventually had confided in my bf about it because he was also a victim of sa and so he helped me through it and I stopped doing it but then and my bf (now ex) broke up a couple days ago and now ive been dealing with this alone which feels like the hardest part for me. So I’ve texted my bff a lot to catch up because I’ve been distant dealing with this and I was just checking my phone awaiting for her responses to my texts because she tends to type slow and usually I never think anything of it because I used to check my phone all the time when I would await my boyfriends reply or simply just a text from him and so now im having thoughts like “why am I awaiting her texts” “do I like my friend?” Its just so many obsessive thoughts and so much overthinking that I am getting tired of because It’s been going on for months so I know this is a lot but please if anyone can please help me I beg, it would be such a great help appreciated bc this has became a really big impact on my life and not in a good way lol. Thank you !!