This is the first time I’ve even “had time” to cry in the past couple weeks. I don’t even know that I’m getting OCD stuck because I either don’t have time to think, or when I do, I just feel like a numb mushroom. Though I can still recognize feelings of doubt, guilt, and confusion even if I don’t have time to fully deal with things on a cognitive level. My stomach has been in knots and my chest has been tight for weeks. I want this teaching job to work. The company who hired me wants it to work. I love teaching for them. It should fit into place even if supplies are delayed or even teaching schedules are last minute. But at some point the fact that this is a job, not one of my volunteer activities, has to matter too. Sure, I choose to volunteer more of my time than I’m paid for; teachers are notoriously doing that, just as many other professionals. How much should I just accept? When do I push back? I want it to work out still, so where’re all the lines? And on top of it, I will live up to my name of Karen and push for others, but struggle so much to stand up for myself. After a lifetime of practicing that (I hated when my mom would make me do it, but I now love that I can at least a little) I now have a whole other reason to question speaking up for myself. Actually I don’t have time to cry or write this. I’m already late for the next thing. I’m so tired of feeling fragile and on the edge of just breaking. Thank you for letting me vent. My partner is also dealing with so much stress that he only has so much energy left for me to share with him. Thank goodness we have an empathetic dog.