I feel numb and heartbroken. Not sure who to talk to. I need more therapy sessions as well

TW I am so utterly broken. I feel like my heart is shattered to pieces, within the span of a month I have lost someone that was like a second mother to me and someone who just passed away that was my closest connection to my great grandmother. I am having very taboo thoughts (as well as physical responses) surrounding death because of OCD, while also carrying such a massive weight of grief. Idk if taboo thoughts with death are even normal, while it is overwhelming me, I’m also so numb to grief at this point. Can anyone please give some kind of advice on how I may improve my mental health without overwhelming my family during their time of grief? I’m so tired of being strong, but right now I absolutely have to be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have this strong yearning to tell my mother all my thoughts and what I go through on a daily basis but then I get scared of what she'll think of me or that she'll worry even more and feel like it's her fault. I just want someone to understand what im going through but whenever I even begin to explain my thoughts to my therapist, she doesn't really get it and today it feels like no one ever will. like I try to make my therapist understand and bless her heart, she's super compassionate and understands how much pain it causes me but beyond that, it still feels like im not able to fully convey it. I'm sure this is something many people can relate to, but still. I feel alone.

I feel really anxious since i decided that i will go get a blood test. Today i went to get a haircut and the whole time i felt like i will faint, vomit, i dont feel good and it was horrible. I came home and started to read about how to deal with emotions. I found a really good article, and I started doing the work. I thought that im avoiding my emotions and I dont now what i actually feel so I went inside and after some time a thought and a feeling came up that said "i wish i could tell this to someone who would listen to me and nurture me" and i felt so good thinking about this. But then I started thinking maybe i should go to therapy cause noone will listen me here, and i started to feel sad and it got worse and worse. Its been hours now and my mind keeps thinking about "noone listens to me" and it keeps me feeling sad and depressed. This is is why i dont like to think about my emotions. Now I dont know should i act on this strong emotion, should i run and talk to someone? That feels like a compulsion. I felt this before,alot of times when i struggle i feel like i wish i could tell this to someone, and alot of times i do,but i dont get the reaction what i want. I dont like that we should act on every deep feelings we feel. If i feel this than the only answer to heal this feeling is to run to somebody and talk about my feelings. I dont like it that now nonstop i feel this and think about this and i cant move on.