I hate myself for being like this. Does it ever get better.

I’ve been dealing with ocd my whole life, and just got diagnosed about a year ago. I feel my days becoming occupied with thoughts, urges, fears and worry that completely debilitate me. It’s getting to the point where i feel like it’s taking over my life. I don’t see this getting any better, even with the therapy and medication I’m on. I’m scared my life will be like this forever, I’m tired. My brain is tired of ruminating every second of every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

I really hate telling my mom that I'm insecure because she just looks at me super annoyed and is like "I don't know why". Like one time I said I wanted to start working out because I hate how skinny I am and she looked at me like I was trying to fish for compliments or something and I feel like I have to defend myself and I cant talk about it. I feel like I always hate my body and any time I try to do something to fix that I regret it so so much. I was just telling her the other day how i hate myself so much I want to crawl out of my skin and she kind of just told me to work on it but I don't know how?? Ive never loved myself. Ever. I have no clue how to. The only reason I'm not doing worse to myself is because I'll get in trouble. I hate my mind and my body and lately it's been so so bad I can't look at myself without feeling nauseated. The last few months it's just gotten worse and worse I feel like. Any time I try to fix how I look I feel like I don't deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like a lost cause at this point. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be fixed.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭