Some days this shit is still so hard. I have never simultaneously felt so weak and so strong in my whole life. I am just tired. 2 more days till I find out if I am fired. It could honestly go either way. I some how managed to still keep pushing and trying, for the last 6 weeks knowing the probable outcome. I have managed to put in the work on my self & figure out what is going on with me and what I need to do for the most part to help my self and got my production level close to what it needs to be, and the reality is that it just may be too little too late. Doing my best to not borrow troubles from tomorrow...and that is getting harder and harder to do these last couple days. PS...venting my reality and the challenge with this major uncertainty, not seeking re-assurance :)

I’m sure it’s been a rough few days for everyone, maybe even weeks or months. Hell, this last YEAR has been up and down for me! But I wanted to take this moment to congratulate everyone for coming this far. It’s no small feat! OCD is a killer, and it’s good at its job! The fact that all of you are still here fighting is a testament to how strong you are! We may not have the answers or explanation to everything, and that’s okay. We have to stay in the present, not the past or the future. Remember to practice being uncertain! It’s hard to remember the good days we’ve had despite all these horrible ones! There’s no scar to show for happiness, but we’ve got plenty to show for misery and pain. Keep hanging on, you’ve got this!

I want to get thought this weird horrible period, it has been horrible. I am doubting everything. I’m not diagnosed but when I look at my past I’ve always been horribly anxious and worrying about health, death and basically everything while suffering from major a lot of insecurities stemming from bullying and lately a lack of intimacy with my partner, Every time I think I’m on the way out, or see some light at the end of the tunnel my mind always pulls me back in. It’s torture. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and I find myself comparing myself at other males and it’s made my self esteem on the floor. I have a girlfriend and prior to this we had a future planned and talked about kids (we’re still young, but it felt so real), this all began to bubble when we stopped being intimate and the loss of my job. I don’t know anymore how to move on, every day feels like a chore. The intrusive thoughts telling me I’m in denial, constantly thinking about men I’ve felt insecure about their looks compared to mine wishing I looked like them plaguing my mind. The false attractions, prior to this i was comfortable in acknowledging good looking men. However now my mind takes this as evidence, every single thing in my past seems like some form of evidence. Not having male friends, the comparisons, being questioned about my sexuality from siblings. I’m sorry if this is reassurance, I am just needing to get some things of my chest. Every time I think about my first real attraction or girls I found pretty/attractive or I liked my mind is like your in denial and then I feel horrible about thinking those thoughts as I have my girlfriend. I miss just being with my girlfriend and not having these thoughts and feeling horrible. I feel like a fraud and a horrible partner. I’ve tried to accept maybe, maybe not, but something always comes back. These 4 months have been terrible. I want to sleep without horrible dreams, I want to eat. I want to feel like myself again. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Hope you’re strong too.

Fuck it I'm tired of the ruminations, I'm tired of the constant mental reviews and false memories, I'm tired of the feeling of existential crisis, I'm tired of feeling fear that depression is gonna get worse, I'm tired of the intrusive thoughts, the relentless depersonalization/derealization If one day I end my life so be it. if one day I go insane so be it, if one day my relationship ends with my gf so be it. I'm tired of having these what ifs, I'm tired of shutting my mind and creating prison after prison mentally. Fuck it if my life is meant to suck then so be it I'll take it to the chin. If one day I end up broke and end it all oh well that's just what my life was meant to be. But I'm not gonna suffer over somthing that might or might not happen. I'm tired of it. I keep emphasizing my weaknesses instead of my strength I am a strong person, I was the man that put my self thru nursing school while helping my mom financaily, I was the man that kept the household together and supported my mom when she had a TIA in march, I was the the one that gave my mom money to pay for lawyers, I was the one that my mom rellies on, I am the man of the house I am him. I am a loving boyfriend that supports his girlfriend, I am the nurse that won the award of the year for the best nurse at the department I work for at my hospital. I am the man that has touched so many lives with my profession, I am the man that held the hands of countless people in their times of need, their times of struggle, their times of death and the man that gave those people guidence and support to people in their toughest moments of despair, death, confusion, grief and so on. I am the man thag comforted family members when their loved one was gone. I am the man that's been told time and time again that I've saved peoples lives. Why do I belittle my self and I deminish my accomplishments so easily yet highlights my deficits and mistakes so hard. I've become the judge, jury and executioner of my head creating prison after prison. I'm tired of it, I am bigger than this disorder, I accept it and I will get better with it. I accept that I take drugs to correct my mind , I accept that I am seeking therapy to help my self, I accept that right now I am not In the best place in my mind. But I will get better