I am scheduled to have the COVID booster later today. Getting the original vaccine was traumatic. Not because of the vaccine, but because of the anxiety. I am SO tempted to cancel my appointment. But I'm going to treat it like an exposure. I am having a ton of intrusive thoughts and my anxiety is through the roof. But I am going to do it.

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I have therapy today and I’m nervous. I just started going to therapy and I really like my therapist. She talked to me about doing ERP and I’m really nervous about it. I’m scared to tell her the extent of my OCD, and my themes. I’m scared to tell her about my false memory OCD, because I’m scared that what I did was real and I’m just excusing it as false memory, although I have no memory of it. I’m scared that I am truly a monster and I’m using OCD as an excuse—and that she’ll find out and distance herself. I’m just scared that my whole world is gonna fall apart, all around me.

I am having an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am obsessing about what to do with my medication. I think it’s also very ocd like obsessing. I am currently on 30mg mirtazapine. Ive been on this for years (because of insomnia, anxiety and depression) (15mg) and after we tried to switch to another (amitryptiline) because of nerve pain, I went down the road of insomnia and later on ocd again. So I am back on mirtazapine, and weaning off of the amitryptiline. This is/was a very traumatic experience. Because the switch caused a mental breakdown. Now my psychiatrist has mentioned to up the mirtazapine to 45mg. And my obsessive self has done a lot of research and a lot is saying that the higher the dose, the more you can experience anxiety. And for ocd it’s obviously not the first choice. I am obsessing all morning about it. I am too scared to go up. But I am also too scared to try another and to wean myself of off mirtazapine. I feel stuck at this point. Taking two meds is also not something I want. I could really use some words of encouragement right now I think. 🥹

2 days ago I decided that I will do my bloodtest, last time i was in 2017 and for some reason when i stood up I started to feel dizzy and I couldnt see anything, I didnt fainted but i was close to it,the nurses quickly layed me down, and then i was fine, but the whole day my body was shaking. I was afraid of blood test, and i always avoided it, but my health anxiety got worse cause i was afraid everytime that i have cancer but i cant check it cause im afraid of bloodtests. This year i had to do other medical tests and now they asked me to do bloodtest too, and 2 days ago i said okay this week i will face this fear. And i felt excitet, motivated and happy that finally i will face my fear. I did not cared if i faint cause it might not happen but if does I can handle it, i will feel good after i wake up. But someone after some hours, the fears came up, and i wanted to face them (cause people say you need to challenge the thoughts) so i tried to challenge them and find ways that i will handle those scenarios, but after time i got stressed cause i didnt know how to respond. If i faint and then vomit and feel sick and vomit alot of times cause im also panicking to the point they have to take me to the hospital... this jist scared me. I dont know how to handle that panic. The body will react to the blooddrown so either way i will feel bad. And im afraid of it and I cant deal with that fear.I dont know what to do if i will feel sick the whole day, if i will vomit the whole day and faint because of stress. This might be catastrophising but now these thoughts comes up, if i imagine myself being there and getting my blood drawned, i imediatelly feel the panic and these scenarios come up and then i dont know what to do so i just panic... Last night i asked help from others and it helped that some said that its pretty rare that you will vomit after blooddrawn, people who do are sick already or they are really scared. And this made me feel good but then i read about it and i found out that its pretty common that people faint, or vomit or fo both after blooddrawn... and now im just thinking about not going... i cant deal with it cause idk what to do. Breathing techniques didnt worked for me, if im panicking and i try to relax by breathing, i get more stressed cause my brain knows i do it to calm down and the panic is a danger so i get more panic... idk what to do.