PLZ SOMEONE HELP! I am currently and this happens a lot have anger rumination and I learned about what that is today. Every time I am upset at my partner (I have just right rocd) I dwell in it, and can’t forgive even if there isn’t an apology and the person didn’t mean to do said thing or even told me they are sorry I feel that way, I feel threatened and mad at them even if it’s not their fault and they didn’t actually do anything wrong I received the wrong impression I can’t change how I think my automatic feeling and response is anger and the thoughts “well his impression was a certain way so that’s his fault for showing that”… then I blame him and I feel bad because it hurts his feelings when he didn’t actually mean to make me feel a certain way and I saw something different than what his intention was. I still think automatically on repeat and feel so stuck that it’s his fault and he needs to apologize and even then I try to process my emotions and cry and let it out and try and move on but the terrible dread I feel that just sits there of anger and feeling justified and crossing my arms just continues. It’s like my irrational mind and rational mind are fighting and texting about this is not good, I would rather talk in person but I got exposed to covid at work and I am waiting for my test results whenever that is. The thing that happened was I was going to take a rapid pcr test because I wanted results fast so I could do Halloween and go to a Halloween party tonight and then they told me it’s not as accurate as the regular pcr test that takes 24 hours and I felt pressured because he told me his dad has surgery that week so he can’t have that chance and decision making with ocd is hard so I felt half like okay I am waiting because I def don’t want him to be sick and I have to be really sure I don’t have covid and then the other side was once I did the regular pcr results he said I didn’t have to and he would be okay with the rapid one and I felt mad at him because I already had that pressure and then could have gone to that Halloween party and stuff but I do know that my ocd would still be like that’s wrong to just do the rapid one because of a party and then get his dad sick. So I feel mad that I had to do that in order for him and then I suffer by not being able to go out tonight. Hopefully someone can respond I know this is long

Rant :3 I’ve been doing very very well for myself managing my ocd on my own with erp. I used to be very reactive and give into compulsions. With time, i’ve been resisting the urges to perform compulsions. The more they come up the easier the answers come to me about how I should go about reacting or confronting something I’m facing that isn’t performing compulsions. I’m more in tune with my values and I have more structure around being the healthy person I want to be. That being said ….. 😵‍💫 This week (specifically yesterday) I gave into my compulsions. My bf and I like to give each other silly “what would you do” scenarios. Some are silly and some require a little more thinking because the answer would reflect our values and beliefs. We started off our conversation on the phone being silly and joking. Then I was like hmmm what makes you jealous! And he gives me some examples but for some reason I register his answers as like…not “good enough”? He’s not the jealous type to begin with and I learn that it’s a healthy trait to have as it would make him confident in himself and our relationship. But I’m getting intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous or having a bigger reaction to some scenarios it means he doesn’t care about me or love me that much. I know better than to believe the thoughts but I’m searching for reassurance that he cares about me so I’m giving him more hypothetical scenarios. The more scenarios I gave him, he gave me answers that didn’t validate my intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous/having a bigger reaction= him not caring about me or loving me that much. I got more frustrated and I got snarky or like snappy towards him. To me, his answers that were healthy, not blown out, and not extremely reactive wasn’t enough. I felt like his method on going about the situations (in a healthy way mind you) wasn’t validating my (unhealthy) thoughts. I felt bad for being snappy at him. During our call I was being annoying and doubling down on statements that I didn’t even agree with just to make him upset or frustrated, for the sake of being an opposite to him, brushing it off by saying I’m only joking and pointing a finger back at him. I don’t know why I did that. Like why I decided to bully him/ why I wanted to hurt his feelings. I’m getting over a toxic habit I had where if someone hurt me or disrespected me I felt like I had to give it back or give it even worse. I would do this with my intrusive thoughts and apologize later because of this trait. Maybe it was that toxic behavior coming through. Mayhaps it was also a way to see if he’d still love me, give me reassurance and stay with me if I put him in a position where I’m not being nice or respecting him so it could show how much he’d want to be with me. I knew that the idea of being jealous or having extreme reactive behavior isn’t healthy but I still wanted reassurance regarding that concept anyway. Grrrr >:l. I also apologized and asked if he was okay before we went to bed. He’s fine and not upset with me but I just didn’t like how I was putting him in a corner with these scenarios and called his healthy answers boring because it wasn’t what my intrusive thoughts wanted to hear for validation😵‍💫 I don’t want to ruminate on why I bullied him but I also don’t want it to happen again. Like last week we hung out and in the middle of us chilling in his room I didn’t want to be around him and everything he did annoyed me. The feeling passed after a couple minutes but it was weird as it hasn’t happened before or at least to that degree. This feeling was like a repulse. It felt different than just me being overstimulated and wanting space. Weird. Anyway that’s my rant. Having a fine evening ^v^ hope you angels are too🤍🪽

I have experienced OCD in many forms ... Self harm, harm if others, religion etc. But now it's targeting my relationship and honestly it's debilitating at times.. I'm always convinced my person is cheating. However my relationship has became toxic . When it's good it's good .. When it's bad it's very bad. I have OCD and I worry about these things and when I do he now becomes angry.. he won't reassure anymore. Which is fine that is his choice but the anger and the things he says when he is angry about me "not trusting" him have built a wall . I want to do my part in making the relationship work.. but is it really my fault he calls me out of me name because he feels untrusted.. If you name it I've been called it And is it really my OCD wondering if I should just leave because this person makes it so clear that they hate me when they are questioned by my insecurities and the need for reassurance. Constantly.. to the point in which they tell me ..along with many other things.. It's abuse .. But then really isn't my OCD abusing them .. Not trusting.. questioning where about.etc . I love them I'm doing my part to fix me.. But why if you love me the way you say do u not see that you need therapy and meds too .. The thing is... Is that he was in therapy and taking meds... And he was a completely different person... As soon as I started he stopped How can the unhealthy cycle be fixed if we are not both working to better ourselves not just for each other but for our own selves . I love him I want to work I want to try.. but even if I'm trying will it be enough for you to want to or see that the things you say when angry stick in my mind... Infact they play non stop because I know obsess over them too .. Thanks for letting me vent .. honestly there is no need to reply .. I know I'm staying in this relationship because I do love him so much.. but I do truly need him to work on his issues as well My partner I feel like also has OCD he went through months of questioning about my past, comparing himself to it etc.. It was exhausting trying to defend 20 years of previous partners, remember positions etc .. He's got anger issues and then he had that .. he seemed therapy went on meds and all of his issues stopped .. w a seldom insecurity about my past . He since stopped his therapy and meds . Anger is back .. Hasn't brought the past up too much but a few times it's came up . But I'm terrified to even mention my OCD .. because that's the only time he gets angry .. Is when I question the cheating or where abouts etc. Or when I don't accept his reassurance and still doubt him... Ughhh

I feel like an awful partner to my person … I get very immoral thoughts and thoughts I can’t even write here or share … and I have been very intolerant to my compulsions and I always tell him my thoughts , the content .. my actions .. everything and I fall for ocd’s tricks … I get thoughts about people .. people .. strangers .. people from my uni .. people he knows or is close with and I hate it .. and these thoughts can range but recently they’ve been enough to make me reach this point .. I made the decision to not tell him anything , to protect him and to get better but I haven’t been fully avoiding all my compulsions yet.. not all.. although the last 2 days I did but I haven’t been feeling or doing great at all .. I have been very frustrated and snappy even with him when that never happens .. I feel awful and selfish , I feel depressed and I have exams this week … hes a really pure soul .. hes nothing but sweet , supportive, patient and understanding but I’m really hurting snd I don’t like feeling this way .. feeling this angry at everything .. being unlike me .. being distant from him .. and I feel like life is falling apart .. I can barely catch my breath , barely catching up to my studies and I’ve been compromising on my attendance… I need help snd I don’t know what to do .. I feel stuck snd lost .. I don’t know if I should be telling him what thoughts exactly come to mind or like what happened the last few days (thoughts includes someone close he knows like super super close to him , had a doubt snd I know it’s intrusive but still , thats just one thought ) or do I suck it up truly and not share anything at all because this is the disorder snd not me .. it’s not my fault or intention ? (Again most of the thoughts that come in like for instance those comments I get about strangers for instance , I don’t want or intend them but they do as if my brain is teasing me and I feel like I’m responsible or at fault ) and I should just treat this as a disorder ? And really know that it’s all just lies snd not ever true or real ?… I can’t help but feel it’s as if I’m deceiving him , betraying him , hiding things from him or cheering on him specially because of these thoughts snd a great person like him deserves the best but I’ve been nothing but shitty hence why.. I’ve been the way I am … I really do need advice snd not just in this but actual advice almost im every aspect of my life right now and I would really appreciate any urgent help or advice … im sorry for how long this is but I thought maybe you’d see the picture clearly this way … Thank you 🙏🏻