I’m afraid I’m going to spiral and hit a rock bottom. So much in my life is stressing me out right now, and I feel kinda alone. OCD has actually become one of my lesser stresses! (I mean, kudos for that?) I just feel really overwhelmed.

You’re not alone. I’ve been at rock bottom many times before, but I’ve come back every time❤️

Thanks for the reply. It feels good to hear that

I’m just so anxious and sax

Sad*

Do you want to talk about it?

I do lol

I’m here.

So I’ll try and make a long story short cause it’s kinda lengthy. This guy who is like a mentor to me (he’s older with a family, he was my counselor in HS) got a new job this year. Now we’ve been close ever since I graduated and I used to go back and visit him once a month during college (I’m a junior). So I’m thrilled he got a new job but it’s been shitty because I haven’t been able to see him. We’ve been emailing all year but I asked him finally if maybe I could come by and visit him sometime and he never answered. But he answered the rest of my email like nothing! It was so strange. I just feel upset because I feel like maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore and I know that might sound dumb, but he’s been so influential on my life. He helped me get my life together when I was at my lowest point, has given me so much good advice, and we used to have great conversations about everything when I would visit. It started to feel like we were going to continue like that for awhile. Also, he’s the only male influence I ever really had in my life because I had awful relationships with my male family members

It’s just strange because he’s talking to me so normally but completely ignored that question. I mean, maybe he forgot? Maybe he was confused by my question because he does have a new job and never considered me coming to see him anymore? I just feel like he’s annoyed or hates me. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to ask him again or not I don’t wanna be annoying. It’s just an important relationship in my life and I feel like I’m losing it

And on top of that I’m losing my mind at home and I so desperately want to move out and I know I can’t right now and it’s stressing me out because I hate being there. I feel like I need change and freedom. And I just feel lonely. Sorry that’s such a novel lol

Please don’t apologize, it’s totally fine. I’m so sorry he’s been the only good male influence in your life. You’re right, that does sound a bit weird. I totally understand not wanting to feel annoying. I would say maybe keep emailing him, but not bring up visiting him for a while to just feel him out a little bit. Is there anyone you can move in with or at least stay with for a few days?

That’s what my friend suggested. Maybe give him a bit more time. I mean, nothing he’s ever done before has made me feel like he would ignore me or honestly say no. But even if he does say no, it’ll suck but I will deal. I am more nervous I might just overwhelm him and he might just back off in general which would be sooo hard for me. I will probably wait a bit but also, I don’t wanna keep feeling this anxious. Maybe I should just follow up in my next email and mention it casually again and say that if it doesn’t work, it’s all good? And not really...I mean the summer is coming so I will be going out a lot and trying to do more independent stuff but my relationship with my family is not great. I’m not out to them and it feels like living in suffocation not being able to be myself.

It’s a good sign that he’s never given you a reason to think he’d ignore you or say no. But if for some reason he’s changed, you will still be able to get through it. I’d say give him some time and then casually mention it. How much does your family know about your OCD?

Eh not much. They know I’m in therapy but they don’t know anything about why, my anxiety or depression. They know I have was bad at some point, but my counselor (the guy from above) and my therapist were very adamant about keeping confidentiality. I have been doing so much better since I was 15-16 but I also can never fall apart because they have no idea about my journey or struggle. We don’t ever talk about that stuff. They were kinda verbally and emotionally abusive growing up so I cut all that off.

And I agree with what you said. I’m not sure how I will word it again lol but I will ask again in sometime

I’m happy you’ve made improvements since then. I’m sorry they’ve been abusive to you. Do you have any ideas as to when you’ll be able to move out? How are you feeling compared to earlier?

Sorry just saw this! Well my plan is to move out when I graduate next year. Maybe not *right* away but begin looking then. My goal for the year is to find a job. Even if it’s not insanely high pay, but with whatever I’m making, plus savings, plus most likely a roommate, plus being frugal, I can make it work. I just know my quality of life will improve soooooo much. And thank you, I get devastated about my childhood but I also do get along with my family. We just have very different views on things. And I feel a bit better! But also I was out drinking with friends lol so that may have improved my mood lol. When I wake up tomorrow it could be a totally different story! I’m gonna talk to my therapist about all this on Tuesday. I think she might suggest I email him about this sooner because it may not be good for my anxiety to wait. I’ll be open to what she says.

You’re very welcome. It sounds like you have a good plan. Until you can move out, find something to look forward to every day. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is as long as it brings you joy. It will help you get through these dark times. Yeah, that might affect your mood ?. Although you might feel different when you wake up, I know of a quote you might like. “You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before and that, my love, is bravery”.

I love that quote! I would literally tattoo that on my forehead if I could lol. It’s perfect. I did feel different! Actually a bit calmer about all of this. I also love your idea of finding something to look forward too everyday. That can be hard when it’s the same old routine of school. I really do think I need to be out of the house and with a job for me to reach my most happy tbh. You’re listening has been so helpful! I appreciate it endly! ❤️

You’re more than welcome! It makes me happy to be here for you guys. I’m glad you felt better. Sometimes mornings are horrible for me. I do love that quote. Before my OCD got really bad, I rarely fell asleep in the evening before actually going to bed. Now I easily fall asleep on the couch. OCD truly does wear me out and it’s there as soon as I open my eyes in morning.