Last night around 3:30 I had to call for an ambulance because my friend texted me that she had taken pills to kill herself. I was high out of my mind and didn't really know what to do. I am scared that all of the distress that comes from EMTs knocking at your door at 4am and waking your whole family because of a suicide attempt will outweigh any help she gets after. She didn't want me to get her help, she didn't want to cause a scene and I feel awful for forcing her to endure that. Her mom texted to thank me this morning so I do feel better. I still worry it won't be better.

My ex pressured me into telling my therapist or someone else in my life about my suicidal thoughts when I wasn’t ready. I had already been considering it and had told her that, but she kept pushing and made it feel like I had to do it. She even said things like “That’s not how it works, you need to bring it up to them” when I told her I wasn’t comfortable doing it first. Then, she gave me an ultimatum either I tell my therapist, or she would tell my mum or someone in my life like a friend . That forced me into a corner where I had no choice but to bring it up before I was ready. Later, I found out that she had been saving our chats, seemingly as “evidence” to protect herself, which made me feel like she cared more about covering herself than about actually supporting me. Instead of trusting me to handle my own mental health on my own terms, she took control of the situation and disregarded my autonomy completely. It felt like she prioritized her comfort over my right to make my own decisions. and she made it all about herself and her guilt and didn’t even ask any questions, i was furious and now don’t think i can ever trust her again. the way she handled it seemed almost clinical and it was cold. it’s like she completely disregarded how i wanted to handle things for her own comfort, it was like self preservation disguised as support. i was forced into it under the threat she would take matters into her own hands, i felt i had no control and when i noticed she was saving my messages in chats i asked why incase something happens? and she said yes, i felt like i was being treated as a liability like a problem to managed, like a burden, and she phoned me after my therapy session making it all about her and her guilt and if i don’t tell anyone by next week she will tell my mum or someone in my life cuz she wouldn’t want to be the only one who knew before we went no contact, i was furious. At the time, I didn’t fully process how messed up this was. But looking back, it feels like she prioritized her own comfort and her own need to feel in control over my right to make my own decisions about my mental health. Ifeel like im overreacting but i can’t stop wondering was this even okay or was it manipulative and controlling Now I’m wondering was this okay for her to do, or was it overstepping?

Yesterday I had a panic attack from OCD fears. I live alone, so in my panic I called my mum just to get some emotional support. It did not go well. I was asking for reassurnce to much and basically she got annoyed with me and started to chastise me. She said I was being ridiculous and accused me of just making up my symptoms to emotionally manipulate her. She even went as far as threatening to call the police on me to have me sectioned. I feel so humiliated. I know that I can be annoying during my panic attacks, and that my OCD puts a massive toll on my familiy. But I don't want to manipulate people. Now, I feel like an abuser. In these moments, seeing how much my weakness makes my family suffer makes me just want to not be here anymore.

My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest BIGGEST fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so so wanted in the moment and SO real. Which I don't understand. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support?