i truly have no idea how i feel anymore, i feel numb

So i started to feel like a lesbian again and that i have to be one. I dont want to be one. I just dont. But being straight feel like a lie now. I question my whole life, my feelings and everything. The biggest indicator of this must be that i will be slowly 21 year old and ive never dated anyone and i dont really find anyone attractive and i dont even know if i truly was attracted to someone and im scared of relationships i might have trauma or have anxious avoidant attachment. Help me. I do feel lost. Really lost. I dont know who am I anymore. I feel like that i must have been gay my whole life now. I feel like an alien. I sometimes feel like 2 people are living inside of me.😞😞😞

It hurts so much to write that. Lately, every time I talk to my boyfriend — whether it’s through text or in person — I feel this deep irritation, like everything he says or does annoys me. Sometimes, it even feels like disgust, and it’s terrifying. I don’t feel love. I don’t feel excitement. I don’t even feel sadness about not feeling anything… just numb. I look at him and I don’t feel like I used to. I don’t know what happened to me. I used to be so sure I loved him, and now I feel like a completely different person — cold, distant, empty. My brain keeps telling me: “You don’t love him anymore. You never did. You’re only staying out of habit.” My mom told me that if I don’t like him anymore, then I’m hurting both him and myself by staying in this. And hearing that broke me. Because that’s exactly what I fear — that I’m faking everything, and I just don’t want to admit the truth. I feel so lost. And I don’t know how to separate my thoughts from reality anymore. All I know is that I want to feel something again — anything. Because right now, all I feel is guilt, fear, and confusion. i used to know these thoughts are just thoughts and that if i didn’t have them i would be so happy but now, i cant think aboyr that bc the thoughts feel too real.

I’m in such a dark place right now. No matter what I do with my boyfriend — kissing, hugging, cuddling, talking — I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. And every time, my brain says: “That’s it. It’s the truth. You don’t love him anymore.” I keep thinking I’m forcing myself to act like I still like him just because I can’t accept the truth — that maybe I fell out of love and don’t want to admit it. When he calls me beautiful, when he’s kind to me, when he holds me… I feel numb. And that numbness makes me feel like a stranger in my own life. Like I’m faking everything. Like I’m lying to him and to myself. It feels too real. I used to have moments — even during intrusive thoughts — where I would relax in his arms and feel safe and reminded that this is ROCD. But now… even those moments feel gone. Like the thoughts aren’t lies anymore — they feel like the truth. And I don’t know what to do with that. My therapist made things worse. She told me things that made me believe I’ve mentally “decided” I have to be with him, and that I’m wrong for thinking it’s bad to walk away. Now I feel like I’ve built my entire relationship on an idea that I should stay, not that I want to. I feel like I’ve changed. I remember moments of deep love, warmth, and closeness… but now I can’t feel them anymore. And all I hear in my head is “you’re different now. It’s over.” I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m not even crying anymore — I’m just… empty. What if this is the truth I’ve been avoiding all along? What if I just can’t accept that I stopped loving him? What if this relationship is no longer right, and I’m just pretending? This is the worst it’s ever been. I’ve never felt this far gone before.