Has anyone dealt with a major loss before? Or trauma related to death? I'm a senior in college and I just lost my Grandma a few months ago. It was the first loss I've ever experienced and it came so suddenly. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her either. 2 days after her death I had to go back to school and I just wasn't ready, I was very close with her. Thankfully my friends and teachers are being patient. I was starting to feel better emotionally when this past sunday I watched a freshman die. I was cashier at the school's cafeteria when he fell right outside the window. He was groggy, hardly awake, and could barely move. A police officer came to help and called 911. An ambulance came and checked his pulse and immediately took him inside the ambulance. A few moments later a firetruck came and brought out a Lucas (automatic CPR machine). I didn't know what it was at the time and thought the kid was still alive. Eventually they all left for the hospital. I kept telling students that I'm sure he was okay, and tried to calm down a bunch of people. I had to work after seeing all that. The next day in class my friend got an email that a student died and I knew it was him. I started bawling and left to call my Mom. She talked me through everything and calmed me down. Now I keep thinking about that kid thinking about when he died and if he was still alive when the ambulance got there. Then I see his probably lifeless body being dragged onto the gurnee. This kid who was maybe 17-18 in an unfamiliar place with his family 1,000 miles away. I just hate thinking about it but my OCD is hyper fixated on it. I'm stressed out from school and can't process all of the loss I've experienced. I can't afford therapy right now and am on a waitlist for a free, volunteer based therapy group. Has anyone been through something similar or has any advice??

ARTnotOCD

Date posted: 3y

This sounds like a perfect storm of grief and trauma. Loss of a loved one, possibly witnessing death or pre-death, and OCD?! Does your school have any counseling? A lot of schools either have a counselor you can see or have someone you can see as you’re waiting to see a more long-term or more credentialed therapist. Don’t be afraid to tell them it’s urgent. Especially since this happened on campus and while you were at your campus job. In the meantime, please know I’m sending you extra strength and comfort and that any time you want a puppy snuggle, just whisper, “need you,” into the ethers and my boy is sending you so many lovins. 💪🏼💜

Archer

Date posted: 3y

My school does have free counseling! I did it last year and loved it, it really helped me. I tried scheduling again this year but they said I had the skills to handle myself and should only schedule if it's an emergency. Then after my Grandma I tried scheduling but they were all booked. They do have another counselor coming in for the students handling the greif of the freshman passing?? But I'm not sure?? Also thank you for the support! I think saying "need you" will make me giggle and think of puppies :) I appreciate you!

ARTnotOCD

Date posted: 3y

@Archer I’d say give the counselor there another try. Even though I believe in you and that you have the skills to deal with lots, because we OCD people are so strong, this is more than you should be expected to deal with while also having to do normal school and campus job stuff. Again, I believe you can absolutely make it through! I just think this is why the school is getting another counselor on staff, so why not try? And while I didn’t get my dog till I was almost done with school, thinking of and smiling or giggling about puppies is totally what helped me through school! ☺️🐶

Archer

Date posted: 3y

@ARTnotOCD Right after class I went to the counseling center! I asked if there was anything available and they said yes! I just need to make an appointment and I'll be notified when there is a group counseling session (specifically for the recent death). Thank you again so much for the help! This is absolutely the worst moments of my life and am so thankful for the pure kindness of others :)

Dre83

Date posted: 3y

Yeah, I walked in on my wife’s attempted suicide and found her. I thought she was gone and I’m not sure how I grieved the months after but I know one night I had a thought that I stabbed her to death and my ocd was born. I’m still in therapy for my harm ocd. I’m with them I would let the school counselor know you need them because this is something different than when you needed them last year. They shouldn’t turn you down.

Archer

Date posted: 3y

I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I hope that the counseling is helping you? I did end up going to the counselor's office!! I'm going to schedule an appointment soon and will be going to the group therapy session!!

Dre83

Date posted: 3y

@Archer Thank you. It has helped but I’m not the same happy go lucky person I was before and I’m not sure if I ever see that day coming. I’m glad you went back and spoke up for yourself.

Lms526

Date posted: 3y

I have. My younger brother and only sibling passed away from an extremely rare form of brain cancer. He was in his early 30s when he was diagnosed. There are only 100 cases a year and 90% are kids under 18. He was sick for 18 months. He couldn't do chemo because it was on his brain stem. He had one setback after another. He had pneumonia, an abscess on his rectum, C-Diff, he fractured his back after a fall (I found him) This was before I knew I had OCD. I have a really hard time being around sick people, but especially terminally ill people. I also HATE hospitals. He passed away in May of 2013. Just a few days before my birthday. He died May 21st and my BD is May 26th. I did get to say goodbye. But I was not present when he actually died. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. So say it was devastating would be an understatement. I still miss him every day. I don't think I will ever completely get over it.

Brian K.

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 3y

Hi Archer, I am sorry for the loss of your Grandma and truly sorry that you had to witness that freshman pass away and that your OCD bully has chosen that experience to latch onto and make you dwell on. Trying to encourage you to try not to pay attention to the intrusive thought of the memory of what happened albeit it probably the correct thing to say, sounds harsh, so instead I will say please hang in there and try to focus on happier thoughts instead. I am very glad and relieved that you went to talk to the counselor and will be scheduling an appointment and attending the group therapy. I am sending my best wishes and thoughts in your direction, stay strong and you will get through this. I, like most others have experienced major loss throughout the years. Having a history of cancer in my family has lead to many instances of loved ones struggling with or succumbing to it more than I’d care to remember. Add to that the prevalence for depression and alcohol abuse and more often than not most family gatherings are usually at a funeral. I will say the first death I ever experienced probably affected me the most. It was when my great grandmother passed away suddenly when I was 6 or 7. I remember feeling numb and distant, possibly because I couldn’t fully comprehend it, or possibly because of the chaos in my head between my undiagnosed OCD and ADHD. I looked at how others were upset and yet I felt nothing and started questioning if I was a good person or not and ruminated on that constantly. I pushed everyone away for years because I felt I did not deserve to be cared about since I was such a bad person for not grieving enough or at all when she died. I should have done what you did and talked to someone instead of keeping it all in my head. Stay strong and you WILL get through this and never be afraid to reach out to a counselor or a friend or even just posting here whenever you need advice, to vent or just a distraction for a few minutes. Best wishes.

RadiantlyRed...

Date posted: 24w

Taboo Thoughts/Depression/Need Advice Please

TW I am so utterly broken. I feel like my heart is shattered to pieces, within the span of a month I have lost someone that was like a second mother to me and someone who just passed away that was my closest connection to my great grandmother. I am having very taboo thoughts (as well as physical responses) surrounding death because of OCD, while also carrying such a massive weight of grief. Idk if taboo thoughts with death are even normal, while it is overwhelming me, I’m also so numb to grief at this point. Can anyone please give some kind of advice on how I may improve my mental health without overwhelming my family during their time of grief? I’m so tired of being strong, but right now I absolutely have to be. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

things_willg...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21w

Grief & Ocd

I lost my brother almost a month ago. if feels like it was yesterday. my biggest worry is when i snap out of the denial stage of this grief , that i’m going to lose my mind. it’s a scary feeling and i don’t know what to do. i’m still in therapy and don’t plan on stopping either but i just worry. i’ve cried here and there but all ive done is keep myself busy and distracted from this. i have my moments - i just am in such disbelief.

blehh

Date posted: 16w

helpp

I keep thinking about life and death and all that stuff and it’s making me so upset. I keep thinking about how one day im probably going to be old and on my death bed or something and my whole life will be nothing but a memory and im so scared for that day. i wont have my parents and my younger siblings wont have any of us. time feels like its moving too fast like i feel every second pass and think about how i can never get that moment back and i cant slow down time or go back or even just pause it because its always going and theres nothing i can do about it. And then i start thinking about whats after death and get even more scared because if heaven is real then what is eternity? wont i get bored of doing the same things… forever? and if its not real then what happens is it just nothing? because thats even more scary i don’t want to be nothing because that also means the people i love will be nothing and i wont be able to be with them. And if it’s not that then is it reincarnation? will i have to do this all over again? will the souls of the people i love be with me in their new forms? is the sun “God” because the planets revolve around it and the stars are all of the passed souls? what does it feel like to be a star? will i even just know i died? i have so many questions and the fact that none have an answer and i just have to wait to find out drives me insane. i try to remind myself everyone before me and everyone after me will experience death and loss at one point in their life and that I’m not alone but it doesn’t help. nothing helps. ive had “episodes” like this before when i was around 10-14 about once a year always around May-June which is the month my great grandmother died and June is my birth month which i hate because yk… time passing and aging which i assume is why i always get worse around that time. i was able to kind of ignore or turn it off the past like 3 years but this month its just too much i cant even deal with it. maybe because I’m turning 18? idk but its been bothering me so much and its all i can think about. Even when i seem fine the thoughts are always in there somewhere and some days they’re easier to ignore and others it feels impossible. I just wish I was like those people who can just turn their thoughts off if they don’t like them. My mom says she can do that if she thinks about how her mom died or something she can tell herself she doesn’t want to think about that and just… turn it off?? and thats so shocking to me because i’ve begged a god I don’t even know if I believe in to stop my thoughts and she can just turn them off herself? I don’t have another therapy appointment until next week I wish I could talk to them everyday so it could work faster but instead i’m on here. So if anyone has any advice PLEASE give it to me. I’m so tired it’s making me not enjoy anything in life because it makes me feel like theres no point in anything but I want to feel normal and I want to enjoy things. Sorry for writing so much just had to get this out there. Also i’m not trying to seek reassurance btw I just wanna know how other people coped with this or similar issues😭

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