Has anyone dealt with a major loss before? Or trauma related to death? I'm a senior in college and I just lost my Grandma a few months ago. It was the first loss I've ever experienced and it came so suddenly. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her either. 2 days after her death I had to go back to school and I just wasn't ready, I was very close with her. Thankfully my friends and teachers are being patient. I was starting to feel better emotionally when this past sunday I watched a freshman die. I was cashier at the school's cafeteria when he fell right outside the window. He was groggy, hardly awake, and could barely move. A police officer came to help and called 911. An ambulance came and checked his pulse and immediately took him inside the ambulance. A few moments later a firetruck came and brought out a Lucas (automatic CPR machine). I didn't know what it was at the time and thought the kid was still alive. Eventually they all left for the hospital. I kept telling students that I'm sure he was okay, and tried to calm down a bunch of people. I had to work after seeing all that. The next day in class my friend got an email that a student died and I knew it was him. I started bawling and left to call my Mom. She talked me through everything and calmed me down. Now I keep thinking about that kid thinking about when he died and if he was still alive when the ambulance got there. Then I see his probably lifeless body being dragged onto the gurnee. This kid who was maybe 17-18 in an unfamiliar place with his family 1,000 miles away. I just hate thinking about it but my OCD is hyper fixated on it. I'm stressed out from school and can't process all of the loss I've experienced. I can't afford therapy right now and am on a waitlist for a free, volunteer based therapy group. Has anyone been through something similar or has any advice??

This sounds like a perfect storm of grief and trauma. Loss of a loved one, possibly witnessing death or pre-death, and OCD?! Does your school have any counseling? A lot of schools either have a counselor you can see or have someone you can see as you’re waiting to see a more long-term or more credentialed therapist. Don’t be afraid to tell them it’s urgent. Especially since this happened on campus and while you were at your campus job. In the meantime, please know I’m sending you extra strength and comfort and that any time you want a puppy snuggle, just whisper, “need you,” into the ethers and my boy is sending you so many lovins. 💪🏼💜

Yeah, I walked in on my wife’s attempted suicide and found her. I thought she was gone and I’m not sure how I grieved the months after but I know one night I had a thought that I stabbed her to death and my ocd was born. I’m still in therapy for my harm ocd. I’m with them I would let the school counselor know you need them because this is something different than when you needed them last year. They shouldn’t turn you down.

I have. My younger brother and only sibling passed away from an extremely rare form of brain cancer. He was in his early 30s when he was diagnosed. There are only 100 cases a year and 90% are kids under 18. He was sick for 18 months. He couldn't do chemo because it was on his brain stem. He had one setback after another. He had pneumonia, an abscess on his rectum, C-Diff, he fractured his back after a fall (I found him) This was before I knew I had OCD. I have a really hard time being around sick people, but especially terminally ill people. I also HATE hospitals. He passed away in May of 2013. Just a few days before my birthday. He died May 21st and my BD is May 26th. I did get to say goodbye. But I was not present when he actually died. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. So say it was devastating would be an understatement. I still miss him every day. I don't think I will ever completely get over it.

Hi Archer, I am sorry for the loss of your Grandma and truly sorry that you had to witness that freshman pass away and that your OCD bully has chosen that experience to latch onto and make you dwell on. Trying to encourage you to try not to pay attention to the intrusive thought of the memory of what happened albeit it probably the correct thing to say, sounds harsh, so instead I will say please hang in there and try to focus on happier thoughts instead. I am very glad and relieved that you went to talk to the counselor and will be scheduling an appointment and attending the group therapy. I am sending my best wishes and thoughts in your direction, stay strong and you will get through this. I, like most others have experienced major loss throughout the years. Having a history of cancer in my family has lead to many instances of loved ones struggling with or succumbing to it more than I’d care to remember. Add to that the prevalence for depression and alcohol abuse and more often than not most family gatherings are usually at a funeral. I will say the first death I ever experienced probably affected me the most. It was when my great grandmother passed away suddenly when I was 6 or 7. I remember feeling numb and distant, possibly because I couldn’t fully comprehend it, or possibly because of the chaos in my head between my undiagnosed OCD and ADHD. I looked at how others were upset and yet I felt nothing and started questioning if I was a good person or not and ruminated on that constantly. I pushed everyone away for years because I felt I did not deserve to be cared about since I was such a bad person for not grieving enough or at all when she died. I should have done what you did and talked to someone instead of keeping it all in my head. Stay strong and you WILL get through this and never be afraid to reach out to a counselor or a friend or even just posting here whenever you need advice, to vent or just a distraction for a few minutes. Best wishes.

my grandpa passed away in 2013 & he was like a father figure to me. he suffered with his own depression but I loved him all the same. I lived with him & my grandma & I witnessed some of the process of how he passed. I had never experienced death in the family or friends before so I had no idea what was going on. his passing is what triggered the onset of my ocd & many other mental health issues. I still haven't dealt with death of a family member or friend that often or intensely since then. that will be changing in the future but there's no easy way to say goodbye or let someone go.