I wanna be a little kid again before this all started

I turned 20 years old today. Ive been reflecting a lot. Since ive joined this app ive been an ever changing person. Which is good i want to change i want to be good but i still feel the same inside. Especially when i feel like this. Feel of dread an anxiety. This sense of foreboding i hate. I just feel so sad. I didn’t have good teenage years. Ive just been sad since it began and now thats its over i dont know what to expect. Im scared. Im no longer a child im a full fledged adult. Everything feels so far away but everything still hurts. Im scared for my future but looking ahead at the same time. What do i do now that im 20? Do i drop my interests? Move out? I dont know i feel like i need to do something. I dont want to spiral but i feel so much dread. I dont know what to do.

I used to never have these thoughts it feels like im a different person and im so sad . I watched a TikTok of a girl with her kid and my Brain says how has she not killed her kid yet like wtf cus I get so many thoughts I’m shocked other ppl don’t and now my Brian says how I have I not hurt my dad . I keep posting and I shouldn’t but I feel not normal

Tw for people with pocd maybe I'm so tired of eighteen years old being consider adults or whatever i don't want to be an adult I'm fifteen I don't want to be fifteen leave me alone I want to be fourteen forever fifteen is too much I want to be fourteen I don't want to be fifteen,I never want to be an adult I want to be a child why can't I stay 13/14 forever I turned 15 19 days ago and I can't get over it leave me alone I don't want to be an adult,why do people consider 18 years olds adults when they're still in highschool and if 17 years olds are consider teens then why 18 years olds aren't when it's eightTEEN and neunTEEN,i literally saw a video of an 19 year old with an 33 year old man like it's a teen stop,and I saw a girl who's 2010 just like me say "stop treating us like kids we will be adults in 3 years" like eighteen is still so young please stop,i feel like a child,I don't feel like I will be an adult in 3 years why is 18 even consider an adult when you're still in highschool and brain develops to 25 just leave me alone please Can any adult 20+ tell me how it's like being an adult like the way you think and the way you see things? sorry for any grammar mistakes I was frustrated and English isn't mine first language