POCD/HOCD: okay, this is going to be a very long post but if anyone reads and replies to this i will be forever thankful. sooo i used to have really bad OCD when i was younger following my parents divorce. i almost totally beat it (i was 11 or 12) and have always been so proud of myself! ever since i’ve struggled w other issues such as social anxiety / self harm (i beat this. yay!) / really intense depression, but no *major* obsessive thinking that took over my constant thoughts. i finished up my 2nd year of college this past spring and let’s just say i had an unusually stressful end of the year (a lot of crazy stuff happened, not worth getting into). once i returned home for the summer and all the stress was gone, i started to obsess over past things that i’ve done / have happened to me (“will anyone ever find out / am i a bad person?” etc.) one at a time, i curved these thoughts and realized yes i’ve done stupid and bad things but i’ve learned from them and i’m not a bad person. but THEN i began to obsess about my sexuality. am i gay? do i like girls? am i going to get married to a guy then have to leave him after i realize i’m lesbian? the problem w this obsessive thought is - in my normal (non obsessive days) i have thought about girls before (like i’ve flirted w lesbian girls i met via tumblr) and had a genuine desire from time to time to talk to girls, but when it came to romantic feelings i would always think of boys or wanting a boyfriend. however, i do remember once thinking in high school “i’m not in love with my best friend or anything but if she told me she loved me that way i might realize i love her too?” which sounds pretty much like a gay girl in denial to me, especially since i don’t think this was in an OCD episode. i’ve also been in situations, usually drunk, where i’ve realized “wait yea i would hookup with this girl”, but i’ve also been in other situations where i was like “ok this girl is totally coming onto me (i go to a very lgbt friendly school) but i WASNT interested. anyways, after days of anxiety/hocd about my sexuality i came to the overall conclusion this summer that i’m bisexual: i like boys, i like girls, no biggie! i have a groin reaction to every girl i see though and i know i’m not attracted to every girl i see, so that part is obviously the OCD, i can’t look at any girl w/o wondering if i’m into her lol. dating a girl seems pretty weird to me but idk if that’s because it’s foreign / i’ve never really considered it or if it’s because i’m just straight. but anyways i was literally ready to come out as bisexual, like 99% ready, when i came across a post online about how pedophiles shouldn’t be a part of the LGBT community and i was like....shit am i a pedophile??? (this was a fear i had when i was 11 or 12 w crazy pure ocd). i thought to myself, well, everything that i’ve been anxious over has been about facts so far (except the sexuality one i’m not so sure anymore) so does that mean this is true too? if i’m bisexual am i also a pedophile? if i’m not a pedophile am i not bisexual? i’m okay w being bisexual, but don’t want to come out if it’s not true because i wanna be right about it you know?? however i am NOT okay with being a pedophile. i would never touch or hurt a child (but i wonder if i would want to even though i have never wanted to in the past the same way i’ve thought about girls in the past). then i think “what if i’m okay with being bi but not being a pedo bc one is socially acceptable but one isn’t?” (this is the OCD talking, right??) my POCD is mostly regarding young girls not boys though, so does that mean the POCD and the HOCD are both false? i just don’t know. it could be these are separate. i know the ocd is what is making me think about it. i want to reinforce that i would try hooking up with a girl / talking to a girl but i would NEVER go near a child. i would sooner kill myself. does this mean one is real and one isn’t? my worst fear is that they are both real and i’m only okay with one because that one is morally okay. idk idk idk. it’s all i think about. my ocd keeps telling me i want to look at, you know, those pictures of children even though in reality i really don’t think i do?? but then i think...what if i actually do but don’t because it’s very wrong??? okay i’m starting to spiral and let my OCD thinking get to deep in this post but i just needed to vent to people who understand. am i a rare case? does anyone relate at all? (also i hope this doesn’t trigger someone. just because i might actually be bisexual doesnt mean that you are bisexual / lesbian / gay as well. you aren’t. it’s your anxiety.) a final thought: i would be kind of sad if i wasn’t bisexual, but i would be happy if i knew i wasn’t a pedo (and i mostly know i’m not) but maybe i would only be sad bc i finally came to terms w the idea of being bi. idk. if you read this all and especially if you respond, thank you for your time and compassion. i’m having a lot of anxiety about posting this so pls be kind:)