i just feel so worthless and i have no motivation to do anything i’ve lost all hope in recovery and i’m so scared it will never go away and get better. i feel like i’m cursed and i’m being punished with this torture disorder and idk what i did to deserve this. i’m so stressed and so annoyed. i feel so lost and helpless

Hi milena, I have definitely been there more times than I care to think about. Sounds like OCD bully is trying to double down on making you doubt yourself, and your recovery, and ratcheting up the anxiety and depression in order to feed it the negativity about yourself that it craves. I’ve been in recovery since FEB and despite all the ERP and meds and how far I know I have come…I still have days when I feel lost and hopeless and not sure what the point of constantly struggling with both my OCD and ADHD is. It happens a lot less frequently than it used to, but still happens. The point of going through ERP and struggling like we do, is because we want to be able to live our lives as best as we can the way WE want to…not the way the OCD bully wants us to. We have spent way too much time doubting ourselves and our decisions and ruminating on obsessions and endlessly doing compulsions only to repeat and repeat and repeat and make the OCD bully even stronger and miss out on doing what we like and enjoying time with the ones we love, which only makes us more anxious and depressed and doubt ourselves….and we want it to stop. Even if the thoughts and doubt never fully go away, you WILL learn to pay them less and less attention over time and eventually they will fade into the background and you may not notice when they re there. It will take time and there will be some days easier (or worse) than others, but remember what waits for you at the finish line…you….the you you either lost to OCD or never got a chance to be backseats of the OCD bully. You and your life are waiting at the other end, and that’s why it’s important to stick with ERP and fight through all of the doubt and negative feelings the OCD bully throws at us. You should absolutely be proud of every step of your recovery, no matter how small you may think those steps are, towards telling your OCD bully to go kick rocks and leave you alone. Take care of yourself and stay strong, you can do this.