Every time I don't give in to a compulsion (which is more occasional than I would like), I end up crying. It's the response that just feels the most natural. Almost automatic...
I "surprisingly" managed to give up on my excessive leg washing ritual in the shower, bcuz I just didn't have the energy reserves or motivation for it this time around. It's one thing for me to wash my hands over a sink for 5 or more minutes straight, & another to have to wash my "whole body" at once, with again, "over" 5 minutes per area, in a hot, steamy, not-so-spacious stall, that I have gotten dizzy & nauseous in before from staying in too long. Not only is it mentally stressful, but it's physically exhausting, & once I finally got down to my legs this afternoon, bent over & flustered, I just said "F IT!" out loud, let the soap rinse off even though I hadn't lathered it in a very specific way to my satisfaction first, & cried bcuz it didn't feel complete. But I needed to get out. Move on with my day. Eat my dinner, which was already going cold on the table. And get in my bed. I NEED to feel okay, with still noticing some streaks of skin left over (which doesn't mean that part didn't get clean), cuz it's damn near impossible to "perfectly" cover myself, until all I see is a smooth layer of white. Like you'd think this was contamination/germaphobia OCD, but it's actually perfectionism OCD in disguise. Bcuz it's less about getting rid of the dirt or the germs for me, & more about how it looks. Like whether or not it's visually appealing, bcuz in my mind, flawless = "right." Which makes me wonder if I should be facing away or closing my eyes as I'm scrubbing myself, bcuz "out of sight, out of mind?" But I'd feel so compelled to open my eyes & check. For god sake, it's like my showers have become an art project, bcuz the best way I can describe it is like with painting, & u want to cover every last bit of canvas. But these are bubbles! That I spread with my hands & not a brush, which I better not start considering a paint brush now! Bcuz that's even worse, crazier, & probably still wouldn't work anyway!
Is there any hope for me at all? Can anyone else relate? Cuz my OCD is clearly a very severe, extreme, & advancing case. I wasn't this bad last year...
Someone pls tell me that I haven't fully lost my marbles yet!
Anyways, the amount of typing I have done for this post is probably also a compulsion (so as u can see, this piece of shit disorder has a way of affecting every individual aspect of my life - even this), & with that being said, I'm just gonna stop now.