hey everyone! so i'm not sure what to post so i guess i'll just post what i'm going through, i hope someone sees this who understands. i feel really alone.
‼️⚠️TW⚠️‼️- thanatophobia, intrusive thoughts, harm OCD, religious OCD, existential dread/crisis/questions
so i'm 15F, just got into high school. i've always had thanatophobia (extreme fear of d3ath and the process), but as of recent it's gotten terrible. it's all i think about. my intrusive thoughts are usually related to it, and sometimes i think that "oh i know it's going to happen soon! it's going to happen today!" and i'll believe it and freak out for the rest of the day.
my parents have been telling me that there isn't a point in worrying, but i'd argue against that. it's not like i chose this, it's not like i want to be worried. it just happens, i cannot control it no matter what i do.
the idea of not being on earth frightens me, like for example: i cannot stand thinking about the moon landing and stuff because those people aren't on earth. i like it here, no matter how messed up it is, it's all i know. and many people understand that thought process.
earth is my home, it brings me everything i need. it feeds me, lets me sleep, brings me air, gives me water, it's nature surrounds me in comforting light. the earth is my home, i love her, and she loves me. i don't want to leave her, because she's the only thing i know.
im a christian, however i guess i would say i don't associate with that title due to the fact christian's tend to not really be what they say they are. i'm a christ follower, and i believe he died and rose again. people tell me heaven is beautiful, that it's the best place ever. and while yes it's a good place, it's also terrifying getting there. and i often freak myself out asking myself questions of "what does it look like? does it feel like a dream? is it physical?" so many things in my head. people tell me to read NDE's, but those only make me more anxious.
so my existence has been hard to think about. i often think about how cruel death is, how it's so hard being alive because you are taunted with death. you build things just for it to all break down. and that's something i struggle with greatly. i look around and think to myself "wow, these are things i love, but in the end they don't matter do they?" and that isn't too comforting. being around friends hurts too, because i can't just enjoy myself.
existence is such an insane thing, and how one can exist and then not. that's terrifying!!
i struggle to take care of myself, i won't shower for a couple days nor brush my teeth because i really can't bring myself to get out of bed. i also don't go outside a lot, due to the fear of getting into an accident. i struggle to join into social activities because my brain is always busy with worrying rather than enjoying the moment. i cant relax when i'm out of the house because of the what ifs that play in my head. i don't feel safe when i'm not home, and that's a problem because if i don't leave the house then i'm not getting sunshine which, by the way, helps mental health a LOT. i kinda threw myself into a pickle.
anywho, i really just need someone who understands. who gets what i'm going through, who saw this and maybe thought "hey, that sounds like what i am/i was going through!" and could maybe tell me their story and what they did. i feel so alone. and so helpless.
thank you if you read through all of this, much love to you