- Username
- outofbraincells
- Date posted
- 9h ago
- Religion & Spirituality OCD
- Existential OCD
Kind of a vent, or a dairy entry idk, sorry Tldr; I worked hard to start loving myself. I'm a troubled christian but also crave a relationship. I don't know if I should completly devote myself to be a good christian. I don't want to ever give up my faith Lately I can't help but think about life. My main theme is SOOCD and after months of fighting it I'm much better. But I'm in that weird phase where I'm mostly concerned about how my future relationship will look like. I've never been in a relationship due to my social anxiety and horrible self esteem. I started to fantasize about being with that dream guy, but whenever I think about anything sexual with him it's high anxiety. I had a phase before where I was crying because SOOCD and being scared of being asexual. Now I think it's just my social anxiety, but I also observed that it calms me down when I imagine him and me with wedding rings. I'm a christian, but a horrible one. I sin a lot in my thoughts and start daydreaming whenever I pray. I'm trying to fight it, but it's hard. And I was always looking down on myself because I'm not perfect and that I could do so much better. Lately I was working on myself and I finally started thinking more about myself than others. I wanna do what I wanna do and be myself, no matter what they think. And I think that I don't want to wait until marriage. I'm not sure tho, but I have a strong urge. I feel like if I found the right guy and I would feel super safe and comfortable with him, I would want to have sex. And this drives me crazy lately. If I want to sin, how can I be a christian? How do I give up something that I want, when I was working so hard to learn to do what I want? Why do I have to belittle myself and be humble, when I felt like actual human trash all my life and just started to feel good now? Should I give up all my wants and my human value? I don't want to, but I love God so much I want to be His child. I will never ever give up my faith, but I feel like I'm blasphemous for calling myself a christian. If needed, I can completly devote myself and be a piece of sh** again. But I worked so hard and finally feel good with myself. I feel like if I don't belittle myself and give up everything I'm being blasphemous for even praying or thinking about God. I feel like this may be ocd, but I'm not sure. My ocd likes to jump around and be different types, I literally had half of the existing themes already. I'd appreciate if somebody commented and shared something, I feel awful sitting with this by myself Thank you