Hello everyone, I just wanted to let anyone know about the “strangeness” that happens in my head, my ocd is weird because I never thought I had it because people would often disregard when I would tell them. I guess they thought I was one of those teens that just wanted to have a mental illness to sound “cool”. I’m an adult now & it’s gotten worse to say the least.
Everything stresses me out, apart from my anxiety everything is just straight up weird, let me explain.
One of the strange things that happen in my mind is what I named “the number system”. Where in my mind, I associate numbers “especially 1-100” with specific people or specific events, & I always have to do things in a certain number, or I panic. I always have to enter a door exactly 1, 4, or 8 times or my stress level sky rockets. I have to wash my hands 4 times, & whenever I wash my hands any other time, I feel an omen like something bad is about to happen. This happens not only in certain things, but in most of my daily activities, from turning on/off lights, opening doors, to turning in the tv. And the more I do it, the more it stresses me out, I’m trapped.
Of course to get rid of this I often try to do activities like playing video games or taking walks to bowling or lifting weight. It is useless however as it follows me in my activities as well. Whenever I’m playing video games I make my character jumo exactly a certain amount of time or enter a room a number of times. I always have to lift in order or in a pattern.
What made this worse is the fact that there was once where I woke up feeling miserable around last year, with the biggest omen, then I had an urge to call a family member that I won’t name. This family member along with another, had LITERALLY just been in a car accident less than a minute when I called them. They’re both ok & doing well, they aren’t harmed, but had the angle been a bit to the left, they both could’ve died, this incident made everything worse. I’m afraid of them going through something like that & feel that if I have another omen something similar could happen. I don’t really have friends, only a few family members that I’m close to.
I’m also very religious & I know I also have scrupulosity which is religious ocd. I even have to pray a certain amount of times because I often have blasphemous thoughts whenever I pray & feel like I’ll be punished for doing so. I turned away from religion a while ago but I had another incident in 2017 where another family member of mine was diagnosed with a rare disease in which he was paralyzed, & he could be cured from a month, to a year, to never. I turned to religion because I felt alone & had nothing left, he ended up recovering in about three months, & became more religious.
Idk I haven’t told anyone this stuff but it’s freaking me out, especially since the only people I talk to are a few family members who don’t really know much about mental health. I feel like I’m slowly losing it. If anyone had anything similar & is in a better position please feel free to help my situation. There’s been times with I hit myself in the head in frustration (nothing serious, more like a slap in the forehead) as I’m losing patience with my mind. I’ve always had this since I was a kid, but never to this extent.