Sexual Orientation OCD - Community
What exactly does self-reassurance look like and is it something to avoid? When I feel anxious about my relationship with my partner, I often think to myself "I love him" even when I'm scared i don't, just to remind myself of the truth. Is this self-reassurance? I tend to feel better afterwards, but should I try NOT to think that?
can attachment be sexual or romantic, becuase i have some attachment to some female figures in my life, with no reason to so idk why i do, which yes i may find pretty but like i don’t want to be with them sexually or romantically, jusy like someone to talk to or hug when your upset( or validation). and it’s making me think i might be lesbian coz i don’t get these feelings towards boys
i have a crush on this guy and we’re getting closer and it’s amazing. it makes me super happy and i’m very attracted to him physically. i think he’s amazing! but when i think about us having sex, i don’t enjoy it. i find it perverted and weird. something happened to me once that i don’t really want to get into but essentially it’s probably a safety thing that’s turning me off. like sex has become this source of fear now and i find it gross… yet i’m also one to think A LOT about sexual stuff. i fantasise all the time about it. so it’s really confusing! i spoke to my therapist about it and it made a lot of sense that this is rooted in fear over what happened to me and all of that. but when i think of me having sex with a girl, i don’t feel as put off. logically i think it’s because i feel safe with women so it’s less scary. the thing that happened to me was done by a man and not a woman. but then part of me is nervous i’m simply not sexually attracted to men and i’m in denial. i’ve never had a romantic crush on a woman, and any sexual attraction i’ve felt has been purely anatomical (like very sexualised women in porn etc). i think i just feel a bit deflated because i honestly really really like this guy and now i’m questioning it all. i want to feel sexually attracted to him, and if i’m not, i don’t want the reason to be because i’m not sexually attracted to men! any insight would be appreciated :)
I have a twin sister and in their relationship they love each other so much and I know It’s not a good idea to compare relationship but they seem to love them more than in my personnal relationship and that makes me question if I ever loved my boyfriend and it’s takes this doubts like I’m a lesbian etc because i think I have hocd too so yea.. any help
i think i’m starting to understand sexual attraction and my experience with it on a whole new level. maybe some of these reflections could help others with soocd! arousal and sexual attraction are two different things. you can get aroused by many people, but sexual attraction is the mental state of actually wanting to engage in sex - in real life. what i’m starting to realize about myself is that i don’t experience sexual attraction like most people do and i might be demisexual. i need to form an emotional bond with a man in order for me to feel sexual attraction (which is totally different than simply wanting to form a deeper bond before having sex) most people see someone they find attractive and want to have sex with them. now that i think about it, i don’t feel that with anyone ahaha and i actually get a little weirded out and confused when people talk about sex. like just because you think someone’s attractive, you want to have sex with them? why? i can get aroused by different sexual fantasies and erotica that don’t align with my orientation, but when it comes to actually having a sexual attraction to someone, it is with a man and it will come to me only when i’m emotionally connected to him. then the sexual desire follows and it’s usually romantic in nature, but sometimes solely for pleasure
I’m watching Nathan Petersons video on OCD vs denial and when he talks about what denial is I’m getting intrusive thoughts of “ your totally doing what denial is” even though I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts about this for two years straight… plus I was getting intrusive thoughts when I heard the word straight and I was getting HOCD intrusive thoughts of “p3n15” before more intrusive thoughts of “your anxious of being straight” when being straight is all I want and desire…
My brain can’t stop trying to figure out my sexuality and it’s horrible. I can find both men and women attractive so thought I might be bi, but then I don’t often want sex with my boyfriend so I’m worried I could be a lesbian. I can identify with bi or asexual quite happily but thinking about being a lesbian fills me with so much dread and anxiety. On Saturday I had the best day with my boyfriend. I felt so in love for most of the day which was a triumph considering I’ve had ROCD for the whole of the relationship. There was a time I looked at him and I honestly could’ve cried because I loved him that much. Surely I wouldn’t feel like that if I was a lesbian? I’ve always had crushes on boys growing up, but they were always romantic ones. When I thought of love growing up it was always romantic, I always felt a little alienated because I wasn’t interested in sex and sexual acts. Now, I enjoy sexual things with my boyfriend but he has to work to get me in the mood. I’m worried this means I’m not sexually attracted to him and what this means. But the love I feel sometimes is so intense and fills me with happiness. My mind can’t rest until I’ve figured it out
I had a dream I was with my partner and I was doing stuff with him but he looked really ugly in the dream like chunky. It made me really sad in the dream and I started getting intrusive thoughts like “see you were never attracted to him”. And yesterday I was on t he lesbian subbreddit and one girl said when she had a boyfriend she would just analyze the physical sensations. At the very beginning of our relationship I would do that as well sometimes when I felt awkward or insecure or anxious. My memory of him feels so twisted like I never truly loved him and like it was all for validation but I’ve done that before and my boyfriend feels nothing like that. He’s so pure and the way I feel or well felt idk anymore about him was so pure. He was the first guy that made me put down my walls and start being more considerate of others needs and how to be kind and sweet. He made me feel like a kid on Christmas and everytime I’m around him I feel like I’m flying. Intimacy has been a rough path due to my anxiety and ocd but I just want him like that. Only him. Why does my mind betray me like this ??? :(
How do you deal with the anxiety that groinals cause? Its not even related to hocd anymore its just sexuality in general. I get scared that I'm going to get aroused when I don't want to which in turn makes me feel like I am and then I want to throw up. I can't eat because it makes me feel nauseous. This isn't really living. Its more just "dealing with it". :/ I'm not comfortable. It took me years to properly handle the idea of being attracted to women, but this is different. This is taboo sexual thoughts in general both about men, women, children, old people. I'm so exhausted.
i think i’m a fearful avoidant, but my mind tells me i run away from guys bc i don’t actually like them / am a lesbian. the guys i’ve been really into, i run from. and i self-sabotage because i can see that they’d be a great match for me and could be something good in my life. i’ll be fine at first. very warm and affectionate. physically intimate as well. but then i get really freaked out if i’m triggered by something. idk if this just means i’m trying to find a way out bc i’m actually supposed to be with a girl? but i genuinely like them?
I have a boyfriend and for as long as i can remember ive always had an interest in boys. Never girls. One thing i regret is watching pxrn and it was girl on girl so my brain uses that against me all the time. Anyways, when i wear a hoodie or a hat i feel like im portraying that im gay or im afraid i look gay:(.
Ugh. Seriously stressing here… can’t tell if I actually like the guy I’m dating or if if I’m lying to myself. I can’t stop questioning if my feelings towards him are real. The what if thoughts keep flooding my brain. Of course I turn to Google and it’s like “that because you don’t really like him” and now I’m freaking out even more. I would hate to lead him on any longer and I would never be able to forgive myself if I am .. how do I know if this is Ocd or if I really don’t like him!?
Whenever I see someone that looks like a girl but I don’t know their age or if their actually guys with long hair (mistaken identity) then I don’t find them cute and just stay silent… my HOCD tells me that I’m in denial because of this, but then my POCD tells me that I “found an underage girl cute”. Then my HOCD tells me “you actually thought a guy was cute” when I didn’t even know the persons gender or age… context I’m in a college campus… plus my HOCD is just consistently giving me intrusive thoughts about guys being cute…
I spent a long time completely lost in my OCD. I’ve had a few themes, and all of them completely distorted reality for me. However, when I reflect on my time spent with HOCD, it’s truly baffling to me just how much having HOCD completely distorts reality. I’m sure that anyone with HOCD automatically recognises what it means to have the theme. Fundamentally, it’s no different then any other theme, be it perfectionism, germ OCD, the list goes on; but there are superficial differences that make the theme seem much different than others. I’ve always considered myself straight; I never really contemplated the idea. It was just a quality I had, just as trivial as having blue eyes - people don’t truly meditate on the fact that they have blue eyes, generally. Of course, that was until the advent of this theme. It was like the ground beneath me fell apart, and all of a sudden, every single aspect of my once clear sexuality became imperceptible. I began, for about a year and a half, constantly questioning and attempting to reassure myself of who I was attracted to. At times, I’d be completely convinced that I wasn’t straight, and that I was at the very least bisexual. Even in those moments, a voice in the back of my mind disagreed, but I always doubted it to be valid, and my HOCD regarded it as a desire to be heterosexual, rather than actually being heterosexual. As the months passed and I grew more acquainted with obsessive compulsive disorder, I began to figure out ways that I could get over it. I learnt to stop avoiding my triggers, and to stop using reassurance to settle my triggers. This was enormous for me, and I no longer struggle with HOCD, basically at all. OCD is a chronic condition, so I’m not free of obsessions, I have the occasional doubt, and admittedly engage in reassurance behaviour every so often. But, if I was to be assessed, I would not be anywhere near the threshold for diagnosis - which is huge. I know I’m straight now, and the idea of my sexuality wavering in the future doesn’t bother me. Everything that used to trigger me barely effects me anymore. It’s true that HOCD stifles your attraction to your preferred gender, which is just the result of OCD being so good at completely distorting reality. Everything you feel with OCD, and everything you start to believe, is just OCD. I’m aware that may be reassurance, but I know that so many people NEED to hear that. I was in the gutter, and I did not ever see myself climbing out - but I did, and if I could, then there’s no doubt in my mind that everyone who was in my position CAN TOO.
I can feel myself becoming my thoughts!!!!! What do I do each day it’s more real and today and yesterday evening it feels like it’s 100% reality. Idk what to do?!?!? It’s like it doesn’t even bother me any more and then every now and then I have a moment of clarity where I feel and think the way I want to and then the OCD comes back even more real and strong!!!
I realized I have OCD a couple of weeks ago, andy current fixation is about my sexuality. I’ve known I was bi for many years, and came out to myself in 2018, but there’s been this nagging thought in the back of my head that I’m actually just gay, and any feeling I had towards the opposite sex was fake or just “aesthetic attraction”. I tried looking up coming out stories of people who realized they were gay after being “straight”, and I got freaked out. I know OCD makes you doubt everything, but I don’t remember doubting myself this much when I came out as bi in 2018. Accepting uncertainty is tough, and I know the feelings I had in the past for everyone were genuine, but this OCD never stops. First it hopped from me worrying about getting some rare disease, then it made me worry if I hit someone on the road, and now it’s latched onto my sexual identity.
Has OCD ever made you feel like when you’re saying your truth like “no I don’t want to do that” it feels like a lie and when you say a lie like “I guess id do that (what your thoughts are saying” it feels like the truth? (It feels so real like I want to do it) But you know you don’t actually want to do said thing but now you feel very convinced that you want to act on your thoughts? But you don’t want to want to do that? If that makes sense? I feel like my mind is starting to get very distorted I can’t tell what’s true or not? Like what do I actually want now?
Has anyone ever agreed with their thoughts but also know they don’t want to do what their thoughts are saying? I was like yea whatever I guess if I had to do this it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I don’t want to actually do what my thoughts are saying but now I’m freaking out that because I said that I actually want to do that even tho I know I don’t want to? Now it’s making me feel like I actually do want to do what my thoughts are saying? Like as if I really want this now. I’m like you wouldn’t have actually said that unless you wanted to do that? *im still waiting to be matched with my therapist rn I’m just having trouble handling spikes or thoughts when they start to feel really real*
today i engaged in not one, but TWO tough exposures. it was so so hard in the midst of it, but i’m so proud of myself. i deal with SO-OCD and have been its punching bag for well over 2 years now. i’m tired of it running my life- dictating who i can see, what i can watch, what i can do. it’s become exhausting. my workbook- kimberly quinlan’s self compassion workbook for ocd- does some self-guided exposure and response therapy. you identify your intrusive thoughts, images, urges, and feelings as well as allll the different ways compulsions manifest for you. then, you create a list of things that will directly trigger those intrusive things and when you’d normally turn to compulsions to “help”. one of the exposure scenarios i decided would be a good place to start would be to watch 2 coming out as lesbian youtube videos. one of which was titled something like “coming out as lesbian after only dating men and being in a 6 year long relationship with one” and the other “i didn’t know i was gay until i was 25”. YEP! even the titles and thumbnails made me jump out of my skin. but i DID IT. i felt horrible before, during, and immediately after watching it. i felt like i was a bad person for having this fear and i felt like in some instances of the video i wasn’t “anxious enough” (yeah ok, ocd). but i pushed through and delayed my compulsions (even tho during the video i did find myself mentally checking if i related or if this could be me too). i’m so proud of myself for doing this. i feel stronger and even tho anxiety today was bad, i still am seeing the silver lining. i was brave. i was tough. so are all of you. you can do this. discomfort, panic, anxiety from ERP SUCKS but it’s one of those things where you reap the rewards later. and we have to be willing to embrace that! you are all so capable. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Read something that said basically your fear of change is leading to your identity crisis and that changing a part of your identity that you no longer identify with makes you feel like you aren’t being true to yourself. This was super triggering to me because it made me feel like I’m scared of being a lesbian/bi just because I’m having to let go of a past identity and that’s really terrifying. I really don’t want to date women but like why do little things like this make me spiral and convince myself that I’m just scared of my identity changing. God it feels so real. I can recognize what I’m doing and how this isn’t reality but man this is just too much.
Lately I've been having a lot of groinal responses, don't want them to be there. Before any of this even happened to me, I don't think I ever had a groinal response looking at another man, it makes me convinced that I've always been gay. I don't wanna be gay. This morning I had a dream about a rapper, it wasn't sexual but for some reason I was hard? I have always been a fan of his music and that's it. Now that's fueling my thought process even more and convincing me that I'm gay and I've been in the closet for a while At the same time i keep crying looking at my ex cause i miss her so much. Another thing to note that whenever i see good looking men or men that are gay i get groinal responses, whereas before this I don't think any of this happened to me. Whenever i look at these men i have to actively take a few deep breath's to catch up my breath, i can feel my heart beating. And most of the times I'm not even thinking anything sexual when ilook at these men it's weird. None of this brings me happiness at all. At this point I'm scared of my own groin cause i don't know what to expect or what's gonna happen. My brain keeps going you're in denial I've always been into women, as far as i can remember, I've lost complete attraction to them especially after my break up and getting depressed and having anxiety. And i keep thinking find a man attractive and if i get a groinal response, "i wanna have sex with him" where as before any of this happened to me, these thoughts never even came to my mind, my 22 years of life feels like a complete lie and i hate myself, I've lost all motivation to do Normal things, i feel sleepy, i don't feel confident, loss of attraction, loss of libido, loss of will power, my thoughts keep morphing from " you might be gay" to "you are gay" to "you're bi" to "you're gay” to " you're in the closest" to "how are you gonna come out?". None of these thoughts make me happy, it makes me more confused and scared and kinda uncomfortable, and weirded out too. Can someone tell me what's going on with me? Please please please someone take the time out of their day to read this and respond, thank you!😩
I was manipulated into experimenting with my friend when I was 14 or younger… he was constantly telling me that what we were doing wasn’t homosexual or wrong at all… he was my friend so I believed him… it only lasted for a couple seconds because I was honestly shaken up by it and I nearly puked… Now my HOCD is telling me that i wanted it and that im in denial when even mentioning this story gets me anxious… I don’t ever want to be homosexual or bisexual in any way shape or form… 😞😞😞
It's a line from the song "Cry Baby" (Melanie Martinez) I kinda feel that way. I'll explain. When people say "listen to your heart" they often say about love when your heart tries to say your brain that you love person, but brain repulses it. But with OCD your heart tells that you DON'T, but thoughts in your head ("brain") keep telling you that you are. Like your brain replaced with a heart.
I'm in a really bad place, I won't lie. I'm wondering if this is really OCD, or if I'm just lying to myself. Does it matter either way, if I'm just going to be miserable all the time? I wish I could have a life free of pain, but I think this is just what life looks like for me now, and maybe forever. I'm so tired.
Theres no coming back or anything to go back to, both my themes came true, damage done is too much to fix or im thinking maybe it isnt and im just making it worse by not accepting and embracing my true self, im not even uncertain about it. I wish i could just vanish, stop existing, wouldnt have to worry about a thing then.
Is what i have and thinking actually ocd or just because its easier to accept it and cause of fear i call it ocd and not denial..?? Cause its easier to know its ocd….I haven’t been professionally diagnosed yet.. trying to find a therapist but what if he or she tells me something like you need to come out and you are not accepting and its making things just mad for you and it isn’t ocd?!? Then what i am calm while writing this so will i be calm when i hear this?! Was it always like this?!? All the past was a lie?!? How can something continue on for 3 years what if its scare and me not accepting and always have been living a lie and forcing my attraction to guys but noticing girls and thinking stuff that feels normal and no more intrusive?!? How is any of this ocd?!? I am going to be 20 and still single all this points somewhere?!? And i write all this knowing all this could be just my fake compulsions to tell its ocd and not denial?!? And why do i come constantly feel like i know its denial and i am just faking all this!!! Like such a strong i know?!! How am I supposed to fight that?!?
Idk but i was watching a movie yesterday and it had this pretty actress and i kept noticing her rather than the guy and then i forced myself to look away like i wanted to tell myself it was ocd but I didn't care if it wasn't?!? If i stopped caring about that then what happens end up being denial right.. it made me felt like i was finding her pretty and attracted to her?!? If i was then what?! If there is no question but I actually was so how is it ocd then cause it one bit doesn't feel like so felt like i how i would notice guys in my past when I didn't have ocd and felt normal and if this did too?!? Then what ?? Should i be even asking these questions is it not all proof its denial and not ocd i just force all of thT compulsions to tell Myself its ocd?!? What do i do?!? Why am i okay with the thought of it not being ocd?! Or am i?! Also porn watching once in a blue moon has made it even worse making me think i want to be in positions in place of someone else with the same sex?!? Is this normal?!? What do i do??!? Do i want that… and also i look at people from this community differently why?!? When i am supportive of it why do i look at it like this fear or something that if i do will make me okay?!? Is that normal to think and also getting flashes not intrusive thoughts of the same sex happenings how am I supposed to defend that and say its ocd and not denial?! Biggest part i am okay and it doesn’t fear me anymore well that I don’t what?!? Pls help me
A couple days ago I spent a good majority of the day with my bf. It was one of the first completely good days I've had in a while. While I still got some intrusive thoughts, I was able to ignore them easily. At long last I was able to look into his eyes and feel only that overwhelming love without the taint of anxiety, be able to kiss and cuddle and everything else without an annoying lingering thought in the back. I teared up a couple times because I felt like I had finally made some progress and will be able to love him fully like he deserves. Yesterday my rOCD started up again, so I just wanted to remind myself that it isn't completely hopeless. The more I work at overcoming it, the more days like that day will occur, and eventually they will become the majority. It will get better, for me and everyone else on this app. :)
I do not know what else to do it is consuming me while having sex with the guy I’m seeing I imagined it was a girl to see if I would like it I don’t know if I did & now I want to continue to see if I do. I keep on trying to force myself to think of girls over and over I feel like I’m in denial. The feelings, urges, sensations are too much & too real, there is no way I’m not bisexual or lesbian. No other explanation. But I can’t accept even when I tell myself it is okay there is nothing wrong with being it I can’t accept it and I don’t know why. Like I want this over with I don’t want to doubt 24/7 I know there is no way I’m not bi but I can’t accept it. It is scary it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate it so much. I cant enjoy life. I don’t want to like woman or be with woman yet it feels like I do. Even when I say that I feel like a complete liar and that I’m in denial. How can it feels this true this real and not be true??
does anyone here relate to like putting yourself in these imagined scenarios to “test” what you would do/say/think/feel? like for example, for my so-ocd, i try to imagine going on a date w a woman and i try and think about how it would feel and be for me to see if i’m gay. or for my rocd i’ll imagine the “opportunity” to cheat on my boyfriend with an old fling. my health anxiety i’ll imagine if i did accidentally get pregnant and the process of that fear and complication. it’s so awful :/ but does anyone else do this? and also any words of love and support would be lovely, i really need my community rn.
I’m really anxious right now because the thoughts and feelings feel extremely real. So much so it’s like I actually convinced myself I’m trans. I thought I was doing better a few days ago but the fact I’m still worrying makes me feel like it’s proof I’m trans bc a cis person wouldn’t obsess over gender. I keep worrying that the OCD thoughts Ive had about this theme aren’t OCD but real feelings, and proof that I’m trans. I’m so uncertain about my identity, I don’t know my gender, my sexuality, what feels good, what feels bad, or who I am. And I have nothing to reference anymore because OCD has worn it down so much. Does anyone have any tips or thoughts? I need help.
I keep getting intrusive thoughts of homophobic slurs… not only do I not want this for moral reasons (not being homophobic) but also because I’ve read that homophobic people are secretly in denial or that they have internalized homophobia… I don’t ever want to be homophobic or homosexual or bisexual or a P or anything my subtypes are telling me 😞😞😞
When I’m with the guy I’m talking to I feel like I question less when I’m with him. Like I feel like I know I like him when I’m with him but when I leave him I start questioning my feelings and attraction to him etc. is this an ocd thing?
In my mind it feels like I want to be with any other girl or guy than my girlfriend. I am straight but it try’s to take that away from me also. even the littlest things makes me anxious, example like listening to a song that she likes or seeing her hoodies in my room. it’s ridiculous because deep down all i want is her but it seems impossible to think that. this ocd is driving me nuts it makes me believe that she is so unattractive and anyone else would be better for me and would make me happier. even looking at pictures of us doesn’t help, almost makes it worse and makes me think she is definitely not for me when she is litterly my type and her personality is amazing. i left college to figure this out and we are now broken up, but she knows everything about my OCD and we aren’t in contact right now but all i do is obsess about wanting to be with her again in the future but how could i if i repeatedly tell myself she is ugly and not for me? makes no sense man. Any Advice out there ? I’m so confused and sick from this. Makes me think i like talking bad about her and it’s terrible and doesn’t seem like my personality at all.
Ive felt false attraction, arousal and physical pleasure at men bc of soocd. Now I'm feeling the opposite for women and female genitals. I feel like.... An intense repulsion to female genitals that wasn't there even during the multiple nights I spent with my girlfriend. This is very new and even if it's not real which is a real possibility. It gets in the way of my day with my gf and makes me doubt if we should be together. How should I deal with feeling this way?
I’ve been talking to this guy for awhile now. But it’s so hard to get myself to be open / vulnerable with him. (I have a fear of intimacy) but more so I can’t stop questioning and checking for my attraction 24/7 “what if he’s not the one” “what if he is gonna hurt me” “do I really like him? How do I know?” “What if I really don’t like him because I’m a lesbian?” “What if you hurt him because u don’t really like or / because you’re in denial?” I’m really struggling and it sucks. Is this ocd?! Or do I really not like him?
I'm starting to believe I have had SOOCD since childhood. I remember having thoughts since as early as 7 that felt bad and wrong and made me sad and worried. Thoughts of being bisexual or lesbian still make me so unhappy and uncomfortable, but they also feel so deeply ingrained in me that I have a hard time knowing what my sexuality is. I felt forced to accept the fact that I was bisexual when I was an adult, even though it made me sad, but is that even true? Is dealing with this since childhood really just denial? Am I just gay? Or is ALL of it a lie and I'm straight? Maybe I'm asexual, and am not attracted to anyone? I can't sort it out in my head, my heart is breaking- my wonderful fiance has been so careful and kind as I process what is going on. Now the idea of having sex or attraction to ANYONE of any gender makes me panic and cry. He is so patient, but he doesn't deserve this, he deserves better than my panic attacks and doubt. Has anyone else had a theme since childhood? How have you sorted what IS real from what is NOT real, now that you know you have OCD?
Anyone else's brain get stuck on someone your heart doesn't know you have romantic feelings for? Or just me? I know i don't like her, I know in the heat of SOOCD I decided to like her because she felt like an option, but I got attached. I know i only like men and yet my mind won't stop going back to her
I have been straight all my life I seen this thing on the internet saying that people can get wrong think they are straight all their life and then wrong and was gay the thing is I never thought about this topic before ever the thing is I have autism as well so I take this literally that I can turn homosexual I don’t think their is anything wrong with it but it’s not the life I want at all I was happy before all this happened
Does your HOCD ever make you feel like your anxious of “being straight” when being straight is all you ever want and cherish? Does it give you sudden thoughts that come in while a thought is already in your mind? Does your HOCD suddenly give you thoughts you like that your body treats as intrusive because it was a sudden thought in your head?
I feel like my sexual orientation ocd come on like flare ups. I’ll be fine for weeks and months and I’ll see someone and will notice my attraction to them and it triggers this avalanche and sorrow of realizing I’m never gonna be happy or I’m gonna have to become someone I don’t want to be! It’s like this cycle! Oh I noticed this! Oh this must mean I’m gay! But I don’t want to not be with men and be attracted to them! I don’t want to sleep with women. I don’t even have flashes or fantasies or imagine myself there but my noticing just triggers this avalanche and it makes me afraid to pursue anything or do anything because it will be proof of what I am. It’s exhausting.
I feel like i am just gay. I can't stand to talk to my boyfriend right now I get riddled with guilt and anxiety. I feel like i want to be with women at this point and that if I'm not with them, I'll be living a life of lies. I feel so sad and I'm in so much pain because I need to leave my boyfriend... Everything just feels way to real for it to be not true.
I think I'm currently suffering from HOCD because i question my sexual identity. Before I do have a thought that I might be Lesbian or bisexual but i never really dwell on that thoughts, those thoughts will just disappear in my mind. But last March 2 we were submitting our module to school and then our topic suddenly went through lgbt and my friends told me that in Powerpuff girls I'm might be buttercup, I don't know why did they said that. I'm not the boyish type or tomboy I've always been a girly girl or lady sometimes I act maturely compare to them..... And starting that day I've question myself that I'm might be bisexual because I know I'm attracted and crazy to boys that for sure, I'm never attracted to girls , like I want to date them I don't have that thoughts before and then suddenly past events in my life cameback together that trigger my OCD (like when I was on 9th grade I find my classmate pretty and then I jump into conclusion that I'm might be lesbian and then I promise to myself"don't ever get close to that girl because you'll become lesbian" so whenever I'm near her I feel really nervous because I'm afraid I might like her,, then we became close friends till now we became really close friends, telling our secret together, bond together with our group of friends.... I've never had that thoughts now to her)..... March 7 where I had my first anxiety attack whenever I see girls those thoughts come in and then I feel my heavy breathing my heart is racing and I feel cold and have a weak knees. So I just stop by at our store where I sit but whenever a girl comes in I started to panic and then I feel like vomiting I feel really weak and my heart is beating like crazy and also I'm sweating.... That's so unsual to me because I've never felt that kind of emotion before.... After Sunday thats the first week where I feel very down I keep on thinking I don't want to be disturb I keep on searching on the internet on what's happening and at night I can't sleep because my mind are full of thoughts that I hate then I just cry myself to sleep. I feel guilty to my parents and my younger brother because they don't Know what I'm dealing right now and I'm just not in the mood..... I just want these thoughts to stopppppp.....
I’ve been really valuing the FearCast podcast lately! ALSO, I had had a ton of anxiety and stress because I had an event scheduled where I would interact (for 3 days straight) with the people who were involved in my initial intrusive sexual thought that set off my worst episode last year . I was so scared for the weekend that my OCD was running wild for days before.. during the actual weekend, I just allowed the thoughts but basically said “hey, OCD, I don’t have time for you this weekend” and folks, IT WORKED. I had been scared of this for weeks.. but when it actually came down to it, I prioritized the present and just didn’t allow myself the time to isolate and ruminate. And it went WELL!
The last few days were good cause i was usually distracted a lot due to my exams and things but the only thing now telling me this could be ocd is the fact that 3 years ago and like till 6 months ago I panicked at these thoughts which i now think are fake and like its some way of my mind tricking me into thinking its ocd and not denial cause i made a good friend in college and she is cute and sweet and we became friends pretty quick today i just gave her a hug cause she is very sweet to me and we laugh and stuff and then this thought mixed with feeling crept in do i like her differently and i shoved it way like it was normal to me and felt like i was forcing myself to think about it later and I actually did force myself to think of it cause i am scared of it being denial so i am using all ocd tactics but was that ocd again or why did that feeling whatever that was felt real and normal and nice?!? Cause I watched a show where this girl considered herself straight her entire life spend time and hung out with a lesbian and got feelings for her and changed everything and like that she was straight before all of that it it was so possible for her and so easy how is it not for us?!? And like that too when she was 26 how do i know thats not what’s happening to me now?!? Like why does it feel like denial and like i am stopping myself am i?!?!? Its like i am trying to interpret always what my thoughts mean and feel like?!? Do thoughts actually carry feelings with them if they do thats denial right?!? Is this also something ocd is causing i am also like getting flashes of the same sex in senarios romantic or not when i think of something and I don’t take it as something wrong and why did i not types all this earlier cause it didn’t affect me was it because i considered them true?!? Like what are these sudden flashes like is that some reality did i ever truly like guys back in the day how is this not me realising some shit what if i am scared of all this cause I don’t know how the community works and its new to me cause the kind of what i felt today with the friend what was that?!? What if all this fear and anxiety is because I don’t know how to react or know how people will which is why i am a little scared but i like this feeling!!??! Is this soma kind of false attraction cause i am asking these possibilities when i should be scared of them did ocd lead me to actually denial and was it denial all this while what do i do?!? What should i hold on to?!? Also i have never had a bf and as of now dont like anyone will i ever further like someone or is this some indication of it not being denial also i forget about my thoughts after a while which more like feel like feelings and not intrusive thoughts anymore so is that forgetting a proof of it still being ocd?!? But I don’t panic as much rather fake panic to tell myself its still ocd.. i am so close to losing it suddenly why else would i get this feeling induced thoughts today even if someone tells me its ocd why does it feel like i won’t believe it would i be happier if i just accept?!? Pls help me what should i do?!! Is this even ocd anymore where should i go?! I saw a video on Instagram of a gay couple and the thought that popped in my head was do i want that?!? Thats cute?!? Is that my reality?!! Is that something i want?!? Will that make me happy and if some part of my brain says yes then what!!? I don’t think this is ocd anymore cause even if i think about the thoughts what is the explanation for feeling or did i interpret it wrong cause of ocd but why then did it feel like what i could feel for a guy which is like the last proof right?!? Why did it feel so real… this is not ocd right i am not even panicking while writing this and like normal and okay like i accept it and fake calling the anxiety so that means something right… what should i do?!? What do i hold on to now?!?
1. I’m having feelings as I think about girls 2. I get intrusive thoughts of being homosexual or bisexual in denial 3. The feelings are still there so it’s making it feel real 4. I look up reassuring images of girls and I see triggering images 5. The images cause me less anxiety so now I get intrusive thoughts of being aroused by these triggering images 6. Feelings are still there so it makes it feel real
My HOCD thoughts are now telling me that I’m sad of being straight when being straight is all I want in my life. The reason why I was sad was because I don’t think any girl would ever be attracted to me for me. 😞😞😞 it’s making me feel like I’ve accepted the intrusive thoughts when being with a girl is all I want 😭😭😭 my HOCD makes it feel real… 😞😞😞
So I had a same sex experience at age 12 which was not completely having sex. Which was a past memory came to me which made the OCD worse As I again went into Questioning. So I am really confused that is it OCD or what As I was never into boys. Was it a homosexual experiment or what was it? But it makes me feel worse which is so tiring As I have all been in to girls and now also I'm into girls.
Feel like Im more conscious of the world and myself after ocd, it feels like for me before ocd I never questioned anything, sexuality, gender being at the core of it, like my opinions and identity was shaped by culture and other people and i didnt have my own identity, even my attraction to women. Like i never cared or bothered to understand things before or that I was not a normal human before ocd but now Im "normal" and realizing that im not who I projected/percieved myself as. I believe it is true to some degree but I dont know if thats ocd talking or if it actually is true, makes it impossible in my head to figure out what is real and not. Im a billingual so theres 2 langauges playing inside which makes it so much more confusing, its a hot mess in my head feel like Im starting life all over again. Im afraid this will drive me to insanity. Sorry, i know its incoherent, its just really difficult to put into words.
I'm so stressed out. What if I've never felt love!? I dont feel electricity when I kiss, and I don't have butterflies in my stomach. I only feel warm feelings in my chest sometimes. What if it's not love? I hope I'm allowed to be with him. I hope I get to be with him forever. It hurts so bad. What if I'm tricking him? I fear my relationship with my boyfriend is platonic and the feelings I have are not love. I hope I die if that's the case.
I feel like my anxiety has changed, I no longer feel a desire to talk or even look at dudes, I feel a sense of "need" to be with a woman. I can't envision a life with my boyfriend or any man anymore. When I talk about guys with women I feel indifferent and feel that I cannot relate. I must have never had "crushes" on boys growing up and I must have felt my friendships with girls were more than that... I'm riddled with guilt and sadness. I don't know what to do. I don't even think this is ocd anymore..
it feels like this obsession has stuck with me for so long that that possibility of becoming true seems intriguing, not exactly in a good or positive way, just intriguing. i’ve been so angry about this. this whole thing, OCD, obsessions, checking, compulsions, obsessive thoughts, repetitive scenarios, overthinking everything, it’s just so much and i’m so tired of it. i used to be really really scared and terrified of becoming and turning into this fear. it’s really on my top 3 fears list and im a really anxious person who has a lot of fears, just to give an idea. now, im just going with it, trying to tolerate it all, and if i do turn then at least the obsession will end, i think, hopefully. but it’s just so disappointing. i don’t wanna be that, but if i do turn i will want to be that and i won’t fear being it or have any problem with being it. like, i will genuinely be that person, a whole new person, if that happens. and it angers me because i’m happy with who i am, just not with my obsessions. quite literally, the parts i don’t like about myself are the parts that are not me, but what my brain obsessed over. i had so many dreams and goals and things i wanted to experience and to achieve, and i don’t want to do that as a person who was never me. writing this makes me think of my younger self, the same girl who had all these dreams, she won’t be able to see herself achieve them and make them come true if it’s a guy she doesn’t recognize but turns out it would be her future self. important or not to mention, i’m a queer person, i’d rather call myself just a person or a human but i also like being referred as a girl and a woman since that’s also who i am in a way and lots of ways. i had already unpacked my sexuality but apparently i can’t trust myself anymore because…my brain won’t let me. i like girls but that’s too brave of me to say, since my brain makes me doubt on my sexuality everyday and my attraction to girls seems impossible to be confident about. though i like girls i see myself experiencing little interest in dating anyone. my obsession is about the possibility and the uncertainty of me being a trans gay guy in the future. that’s right, specifically, in the future. obsessing over the future is not healthy and not fun, at all. because i have no answers to all my questions. i wish i could let go. i really wish i could. i used to be so happy and peaceful before this, 7 months ago i was okay. i'm just hyper aware of everything now, and the idea of becoming what i fear being real is just disappointing to me now. i even prepared myself mentally if that happens and if that day comes. having to be a guy, having to transition, liking men and living it all behind. goddammit. i even think to myself “how much time left do i have to be myself” “how much time left do i have to be this way until i turn” adding up to that, my health anxiety, “how much time left do i have to be this way…if i do have time left, i could die at any moment now.” i’m so tired of this everyday.
So, the thoughts are coming back. Only this time I’m like “these thoughts must be true because I’m thinking them” abs the fact that I’ve even thinking these things must mean they are true. Like why else would I think this way. Also, all the times I see a video being like “you are gay if…” they always are something you like, or an actor you like or a film you like or a character or something it’s always somebody I like. I know that I like guys, I have an appreciation for women. I think women are pretty snd most of the time I’m looking at a girl it’s comparing myself to the way she looks. Every time I go out I make out with guys and never think about women, but I have kissed, not made out just pecked, my best mates on the lips but that’s it! I get worried because I did stuff as a kid that makes me go “these are signs you are gay” when if anything they are normal kids things trying to figure out who they are and what’s right for them and what’s wrong. Right?? That’s normal! Right?? Someone I know has jusr said they have been thinking about if they are straight or not at the moment, which I completely 100% support and I have never ever had anything against anyone who is of the LGBTQ community and will support her no matter what, but we have so much in common with our interests it makes me go “well maybe you aren’t straight either” when I know I am! I like guys, I can only see myself with a guy sexually and romantically. So I just, I’m not sure how to stop these thoughts. I get scared HOCD isn’t real
i had a dream that me and my friend got really close and she was like in love with me and i was like uh no. like she just got the WRONG MESSAGE. i told her and my other friend and brought it up as a joke but now i’m afraid they will think i am a lesbian and i’m just anxious about the dream in general too. how do i stop stressing so much about this?
Has anyone ever watched like a scene of two people of the same do the smallest thing from like a peck and/or sex scene and you get a random pang that makes you feel like you want it to? I had never questioned my sexuality or found girls attractive until I brought these questions to my own mind. I still am not attracted to them in a sexual, emotional, or romantic way but these random feelings make me feel like I do and the smallest things now lead me to overthink. Sometimes I'll just ask myself "am I gay" and confirm for myself no as reassurance, but then I'll also try labeling myself as "bi" to see how I would react and then panic when I don't. A few days ago I saw a tiktok of a woman saying how she happily came out as bi even though she did it during her nice going marriage with her husband whom she stayed with, but the thought of this happening to me where I just label myself something else really panicked me. I don't know how to describe it, but it just doesn't feel like me.
Was reading comments on this Tik tok and these ppl are like “ms girl doesn’t know she’s one of us yet… the closet is made of glass.” And “we can tell when someone is one of us”. Now I’m spiraling gay ppl can sense im gay or something and I’m really just in denial …. Anyone else fear This?!
Does anyone have any quick tips to ground yourself or take control when ROCD or HOCD starts up? For some reason I always have these moments at work and it’s just so hard to make them stop when I’m busy or just idling there waiting for customers. It would just be nice to have a moment of peace when I work in a madhouse LOL
Im falling apart, it feels like the shell is breaking down and my real self is coming out. I feel like im having cognitive dissonance, believing Im a straight man my whole life and now realizing im neither and complete opposite of who I thought I was and projected myself as, cognitive dissonance causes stress I know that much but the depression is so amplified these days, i cant cope. It feels like I already know these things to be true deep down and just unable to comprehend that it is happening. Im suffocating so much.
I have chosen to simply stop worrying , stressing , analyzing and preparing myself for my downfall. I know I am straight I don’t go to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I’m calling this the end of the journey cause I’m too tired of wracking my brain and creating false scenarios.
Recently I’ve been dealing with a break up but I noticed that my worries about being gay had subsided quite a bit but once the break up situation started getting better they came back. Do thoughts like that disappear if there’s something else stressing you out?
So as of recently my boyfriend who when we first met was very muscular and going to the gym consistently and that how we were initially attracted to each other, where we met, first hung out, etc. so it’s something we shared in common and I loved that and it was huge for me in a relationship and I’m attracted to how he was healthy and how he looked. Now since he’s in grad school and this last couple quarters he has been stressed and has lost 20lbs of muscle and just looks skinny. I have been wanting him to get back into the gym and the groove of it. My attraction to how his body currently looks is way less, he’s noticed it and it makes me feel guilty but I still love him so much. Any advice on this? I’m struggling with just the current state of how he is which makes our sex life worse, kind of trigger my hocd and rocd as well. I just am more struggling with the guilt of feeling this way and wanting to fix it. Although the option of breaking up is not even in my mind because he is my person.
I was just getting ready for bed and suddenly got so so hit with a panic and feelings telling me to say out loud I didn’t like my partner and so I did. And then I felt a confirmation in my chest that it was true. And now I’m panicking all over again and tried to pray and got more feelings and now I’m panicking so much more oh someone please please help me.
My attraction to the opposite sex just seems useless now like it’s just habit and not real and I hate it. My brain keeps telling me id happier leaving my partner and being with a man. I can’t stand this anymore! I don’t want to be gay but it feels like ocd has made me become it. And each day it’s like I feel more okay with it. Is this really just ocd idk anymore
i have trans ocd. it’s so weird being cool and happy with the clothes i’m choosing and suddenly my thoughts come back and they basically control my whole fashion choices. i have wasted so many opportunities about so many things because my brain simply decides to make my life imposible, but it really is funny when it comes to shopping. such a simple thing can get incredibly hard. can’t choose some clothes, “no don’t touch that one!” “nonono, go back.” “if you don’t buy this one you’re *insert gendered label*” i feel so ridiculous sometimes
i’m very confused. the last week or two i haven’t had any flare ups and haven’t gone on this app. however i don’t know if it’s avoidance. i just avoid the thoughts and stay busy and i know you aren’t supposed to do that. i was just watching a movie and two girls got close together like they were about to kiss and i think i had a gronial response and now I’m not feeling too great.
Everyday i wake up, gay feels more natural, instead of having clarity Im straight like normal hocd sufferers, i have moments during the day where its clear to me that I am really gay. Not even questioning just feel like I cant accept it to be true. But I still experience high anxiety daily, my heart beats so fast bc of it it feels like it will jump out of my chest. This anxiety feels different than when ocd first started, Idk, i think Im just having anxiety bc im gay now or ive realized Im gay but my brains broken due to ocd and cant turn off the anxiety switch.