Suicidal OCD - Community

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hi friends, so up until recently my OCD has subsisted and i’ve been doing well! i used to struggle with psychosis mental health themed OCD. a few days ago i went to read my bible, and i had this very distressing thought that “i didn’t believe any of it”. which is completely untrue, i’ve always been a Christian and strong in my faith!! i got a huge amount of anxiety after this, ever since, the thoughts have grown. every time i go to read my bible or to pray i will get these terrible thoughts related to that. this is distressing because i love to read my bible and to pray, it’s my peace. i’m not sure what to do or where to go from here… has anyone ever struggled this way?

Anyone else’s intrusive thoughts and anxiety get worse when they got on a new medication?

So when I had previous OCD flare ups ( health OCD, ROCD, SOOCD) I would seek reassurance at very bad times and it would work ( yes I know I shouldn't have done that but that was in the past). For my new theme which is harm ocd and more specifically suicidal OCD reassurance is not working at all. So for example when I go to my bf or parents to talk and they tell me yes but you wouldn't do that my thoughts in my head go like «yes you would they dont know what you’re capable of doing and you’re gonna disappoint them ». This kind of freaks me out because even if I know by know that seeking reassurance is just temporary its supposed to work at first for a bit. In this case it doesn’t at all. Did it happen to anyone else?

Today, my OCD is telling me that nobody really loves me. not something that usually happens to me although I get new themes.

I have been struggling a lot with not feeling like myself and feeling like I am dreaming all the time. I am always scared of the future and worried when my time will end. I don’t know how to feel like myself again and not have to always have that worry weighing on me. It feels like i’m just going through the motions of life.

Hey everyone! I’ve had overall a pretty decent last few weeks and have felt somewhat close to my old-self. This week however i feel like the ocd has come back and has really been bothering me. Is this something normal to experience?

For those fellow OCD sufferers that believe in God, what are some things that have helped you cope/heal?

Has anyone gotten better without the use of medication? Just curious

I’m on day 6 of Joyous’s Ketamine treatment. It doesn’t make me feel weird or loopy, just a little tired which is great for bed. I have noticed an increase in my mood. My anxiety did feel worse the first couple days but I think it’s gotten a little better. One thing is I never realized how much I ruminate till I started this. I have had Covid for the last week and I return today. If you’ve read any of my old posts you know I HATE my job. Going back today is giving my anxiety however I noticed I’m having a better time talking myself down. I always feel anxiety before going to work in the morning, I thought I’d feel worse about going back today cause I haven’t been in a week but lucky me, it’s not as bad as I thought. I’m up to 45 mg with the K treatments, I’m thinking today I’ll split it up into a couple doses today to see how I feel at work, I’m hoping it makes me happier and less miserable through the day. My depression seems to have gotten better, I’ve had a better outlook and have been in a better mood than usual, but ofc I haven’t been at work so that probably helps but I’m hoping it will help me in work life as well. I’ll update my journey with K treatments, so far I don’t see a dramatic increase, but something is better than nothing!

Does anyone else struggle with obsessive thoughts about the fear of becoming depressed or not getting better? When my OCD decides to have a flare I seem to have this overall kind of sadness over my body knowing it will be a rough few days or weeks. When I feel the sad/tired feeling I automatically think “what if I become terribly depressed and sad??” I know OCD tends to target the things you hold dearest and are the most important & living a happy life is something I love and don’t want taken away. I then start the rumination after that 😵‍💫 Might help to know if anyone else also struggles with this. Have a wonderful night everyone and stay positive!

I’ve been sad because I’ve be stressing because of different things in my life like work family processing a break up and therapy hasn’t been available because my there’s has me on a waitlist so yeah 😕

Hi everyone! I’m 33 days into taking 50mg Sertraline and still finding that they do not feel like it’s working as it did between days 9 - 20. My anxiety has pretty much gone away but I am currently feeling tired all the time and I have found my intrusive thoughts are feeling a little more “sticky” again. My doctor said to stay on 50mg as my PHQ 5 and PHQ 9 scores are zero and 6 down from 21 and 27 so he does not want to push it my upping my dose just yet! Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Just when I think I’m making headway with ocd I get a panic attack. Ocd never ends, neither does the anxiety. Just hate the spikes, and don’t want it to get worse.

Literally drowning in intrusive thoughts and it’s making me more and more suicidal I can’t believe something like this would happen to me. I hate myself so much

And now i have a “i want to die thought and feeling… and it feels so real??? Anyone relate..

Is this ocd? I ruminate over every little feeling I have and resisting figuring it out is so hard. For reference I have suicidal ocd, but I’m 100 percent like convinced that it’s turned into plain in SI so idk what to do about that. I’ve been in treatment for months and I’m quite habituated to all of my thoughts so nothing bothers me that much anymore besides the feeling that I feel like I don’t want to live that’s quite annoying. I don’t care if something is ocd or not anymore (I kind of do but I have no certainty as to whether it is so it does not do anything) it’s like I hope it’s ocd but “deep down” I know it’s not and that it has been both the whole time. Does anyone else have this?

Disclaimer: There is no intent or plan here, just OCD lol I feel down/depressed recently due to external circumstances and now have started having self-harm OCD (and sometimes harm OCD intrusive thoughts). My brain likes to pull images from shows/movies i’ve seen in the past too, thanks brain!! The fear is always “What if I stay depressed and become suicidal.” I understand it’s just thoughts and emotions, and it will pass, but it’s so scary. OCD does a great job at staying sticky and making me do things like this post lol. I am starting ERP for this soon with a therapist here, and it is hard to imagine I can overcome this fear, but I know ERP does work, and I will. Anyways, just wanted to post to hear if others have this, and how to mindfully “sit with” the anxiety. This is such a hard concept to adapt my head around for a stubborn OCD person like myself who likes to “fight” it and “grit my teeth” through it. Thanks for reading, and peace and love to all of you all :)

Lately my intrusive thoughts have been occurring in my dreams. Like in my dreams the intrusive thoughts happen. Anyone else? Is this ocd? Or is this something else?

…Has been the most helpful resource for my ocd. I recommend it to you! Here are a few takeaways which have really helped me: Choosing to pursue 100% certainty is to live in denial by chasing a fantasy. Denial is rejecting reality in pursuit of a wished for scenario. Acceptance of your circumstances and limitations is living within reality. Certainty is a feeling, not a fact. It cannot be reasoned with logically. Absolute certainty is an illusion. Everyone lives within reality by reason and faith. Why should I pursue ERP and accept uncertainty? Because you don’t have a choice (this is reality) and your rituals don’t work anyway. If you cannot afford the book, search on YouTube and any podcast featuring Jonathan Grayson. You won’t be disappointed!

OCD is absolutely exhausting. I’m so tired.

Someone relate?

Hi All, I'm presently at a psychiatric unit, highly anxious with intrusive thoughts, specifically suicidal thoughts. I had my first session with my therapist on Tuesday and she scheduled our next appointment for over two weeks' time. I feel that this is way too long a wait when you feel so lonely and isolated. My question is for those currently receiving treatment from an OCD therapist..how often do you have sessions? Thank you. I wish Everyone reading this the relief and ease that they're looking for. Brigitta

Can anyone with suicidal OCD tell me if they relate to having physical urges that have to do with committing? I’m really scared

Hi all. 29 days into taking 50mg Sertraline and I am curious if anyone experienced different side effects after taking it for a few weeks to when you started taking it in the first few days?

It’s ok to laugh!

The Doubting Disease: it will make you doubt anything. Which is why there are so many themes! It attaches to your values and makes you fear that which you value the most. The Deceiving Disease: When it raises the alarm, it deceives you into thinking you are in danger. But you are not. You’re simply reacting to a thought you deem “intrusive” or “dangerous”. The Accusing Disease: If you refuse to give into compulsions, OCD may accuse you of being a bad person for not responding to the “danger”. This insight has helped me and hopefully it helps you. OCD is a rigged game. It keeps you stuck because you keep buying into it.

So I've made the decision tonight to go back on my medication. This will be my third and last attempt to stop taking SSRIs. Its confirmed for me that I just need serotonin like a diabetic needs insulin. My body just doesn't make enough of it. I've had OCD since I was 8 years old and talking to my parents am pretty sure I exhibited symptoms way before then. I think I was born with it, genuinely. It's crappy that I will need to live with side effects such as weight gain, no sex drive and numbing of creativity but I'd rather that than the endless torment that is not being able to cope with my intrusive thoughts. The SSRIs stop my fight or flight response from spiraling and allows me to cope well and I guess I'd rather that plus the side effects than no side effects and feel like I'm going insane all the time.

Hey friends, I’m feeling anxious at the moment, but I’m learning to embrace it. I’m going to eat and stay hydrated, and when I’m tired I’ll get some sleep. I’m not going to shame myself for feeling these feelings ejther. I’m choosing to treat myself as I would a friend. How about we all do the same?

“I want to die” or “i shall die” “I must” Are these normal?

Just need to vent. Yesterday I saw a post here that asked “why not” to OCD thoughts. I thought because it’s not right in Gods eye. But I began to spiral from there thinking that I’m a good person even if I don’t want to be and It makes me feel like I want to harm others just to prove I have free will. I have been in panic mode since because this feels so real. I have been praying for God to show me his goodness because I know that will make the thoughts go away but it feels like I’m not being sincere when asking. Why am I rejecting being a good person? I must have accepted the evil thoughts because I feel numb. But why am I in so much distress then?

For the past 5 years I’ve been in the same relationship with my boyfriend. I love him but recently I’ve been questioning if I’m in love. I also just lost all my friends at once so I’ve been very overwhelmed. My body just feels so tense and like exhausted and scared ALL the time. Sometimes I even question if I want to be with my boyfriend and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or how I really feel… it’s very annoying. Does anyone have advice on that I’ve never struggled with ROCD before. Also any tips to manage how my body feels all the time. With all the therapy I’ve done before I’ve never once gotten recommended anything I can do to help my body feel less overwhelmed. I feel like the best way to help myself is to learn from people who deal with the same situations. 🤍

Anyone else feel like their thoughts are trying to convince them to act on what their thoughts are about? I have this exact feeling and was wondering if anyone could relate

Anyone know what helps blunted emotions from snri/ ssri?

Is there a free treatment - follow up? over here ? "Privately"

Anyone on Prozac for ocd and does it help? Or anyone on Lexapro and it helps?

Hi guys! I'm currently listening to a new song and it has me feeling happy. It made me reflect back on my early days when I couldn't even listen to my favorite music because I was scared of what intrusive thoughts would come up! Well I worked with a therapist previously before NOCD and k am now able to listen to all my music and be happy. With that being said, I'd love to hear what song makes you happy ?💚

Hello everyone. I am a non traditional student reaching the end of my bachelors degree. I am in an extremely demanding and difficult major that has caused me a lot of stress, trauma, and effected my self worth. Due to me being close to more than 8 years older than most of the students in my cohort, I have literally not made 1 friend during my 4 years of undergrad. Not even grabbed a quick coffee with 1 person my entire college career. Most people my age either hold masters degrees or have already established careers. But Ive also always had classes with and have worked directly alongside grad students similar to my age, even at my job. I’ve tried being very kind to people, paying attention to details they share, asking thoughtful questions, and many other tactics to try to build even 1 good connection with someone. But since returning to classes this fall, I have stopped going out of my way to engage with people. What few acquaintances I had, don’t even acknowledge me or even say hi to me now. My therapist’s says I should join clubs or organizations, except I simply don’t have time due to how time consuming and demanding my major is, especially since I’m in my final semester. It’s just been an extremely difficult 4 years and I never would’ve imagined what a toll this program would take on my mental and physical well being. I never thought I would walk away from college not having made even 1 friend. It makes me question everything about myself like am I actually awful to be around and I just don’t know it? I’ve never experienced isolation like this before so it makes going to university everyday extremely hard, especially because I pretty much regret picking my major. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar to this before? Is it simply my age? It makes me worried about getting a job and experiencing this cycle all over again. I’ve heard making friends as an adult is hard but I had no idea it would be this difficult. I’m just tired of feeling so lonely and not even having one person to struggle through this program with.

I can’t say deep down i know my thoughts arent real??? And thats irritates me so much… its like my head or thoughts is stopping me… probably ocd? Anyone relate?

Hi all. I’ve have put a couple of posts on here about Sertraline so sorry if it seems a little tedious! When I started taking the medication I started feeling a bit better from about day 9 and found the intrusive thoughts less sticky and they did not seem to carry the same level of anxiety, however I am now on day 23 and it feels like they are returning but at a slightly less intensity. My question is has anyone else had a similar experience? I know it can take 6 - 8 weeks for a fuller effect and possibly 12 weeks for OCD symptoms to reduce.

Having a realllly hard night. Almost a year ago I was ver suicidal. I would never do it but I wanted to die. I was too scared to hurt myself so one night out of anger and sadness I said “maybe I’ll get cancer and die”. I DO NOT WANT THAT. My friend called me crying saying her friend has stage 3 cancer and it triggered me from what I said out of depression. Cancer runs on both sides of my family. I’m so scared it’s going to come true. I didn’t mean it I promise. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I am so sorry for whoever is battling cancer, I didn’t mean it and I sound so ignorant. I am so sorry 😔 I pray for healing and I’m sending so many hugs❤️

i love you, with pure o, whose ocd makes you waste time the entire day by ruminating about hypotheticals. i love you, with real event, whose ocd makes you treat your emotional pov on a past situation like the gospel. i love you, with pocd, whose ocd makes you believe you are a pedophile. i love you, with false memory, whose ocd makes you believe you did things you have no proof of. i love you, with rocd, whose ocd torments you for being "unfaithful", "immoral"; and demonizes your partner. i love you, with somatic ocd, whose ocd makes you hyperanalyze your bodily function to the point of exhaustion. i love you, with magical thinking, whose ocd makes you spend indescribable amounts of time practicing rituals to ensure nothing terrible with happen. i love you, with existentialism, where your ocd torments you about meanings, meanings, meanings. i love you, with religious/moral scrupulosity, whose ocd makes you hyperanalyze your relationship with god. i love you, with contamination ocd, whose ocd makes you scared of touching anything, anyone, and makes you so scared of getting infected. i love you, with harm ocd, who is being tormented by thoughts of being harmed or harming others. i love you, with racism ocd, whose ocd makes you question your morality and stances on race issues. i love you, with responsibility ocd, whose ocd torments you with an inflated sense of responsibility and guilt. i love you, with sexual/sexuality related ocd, whose ocd has made you uncomfortable with anything relating to your vulnerability and intimacy. i love you, with gender ocd, whose ocd has made you question your gender identity and brought you great confusion. i love you, with perfectionism ocd, whose ocd has made you hyperanalyze your surroundings like you're a divine being with incredible knowledge on the "perfect" details. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. your ocd does not stop me from seeing the person behind the disorder. you are suffering and you won't have to suffer forever. this post is not only a reminder you are loved, you are worthy, you are SO beautiful and brave, but also a reminder that ocd is extremely treatable— it doesn't have to be chronic. it doesn't have to take away your happiness. it doesn't have to take away your sense of self. with enough effort and self-love, you can make this disorder a thing of the past. i tried to include all the subtypes in this post, for ocd can manifest in so many different ways for so many different people. in the end, it's still ocd. and i'm sure that people with multiple subtypes especially know exactly what i mean when i say— the pain is so real for all of us. but thankfully, and fortunately, there is HOPE. you can have hope. you don't have to compulse right now. when you opened this app, what did you think to yourself? did you do it out of compulsion? did you do this to check-in with your therapist? did you do it to complete homework? there's a bunch of possibilities. what matters is you downloaded the NOCD app because, deep down inside, there is a part of you that knows you can defeat this utterly terrible disorder that has you by the neck sometimes. like i have said above, you do not need to suffer. in fact, you could probably stop ruminating right now if you wanted to. it should be effortless. we are scared because ocd knows exactly how to make a fear seem real. ocd is about fearing a hypothetical. a positive answer to a negative what if. when i thought about writing this post, i realised how much i needed to hear someone loves me, too. that somewhere on this earth, someone cares. because even if we don't realise it, many of us with ocd also suffer from depression. so take it from this post- it's your sign to have faith in your recovery. YOU CAN DO IT. you don't need to search for reassurance, to compulsively google, to do anything at all except focus on yourself at the moment and your recovery. the past or your future are irrelevant here. the past doesn't matter, and your future is to be dealt with at the right time. for now... remember these 3 fundamentals: 1. you are loved, SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW. so much more than your ocd allows you to accept. 2. you are worthy. like every other human being on this planet, you have a purpose. whether that is to do something never before seen, or simply exist, is enough. 3. your ocd might be debilitating, but you are so much more than a slave to your thoughts. they're thoughts— they hold NO power. no matter what they tell you, or how much proof they bring you, or how much distress they bring you, they're just thoughts. imagine a baby duckling telling you constantly it's going to turn into a killer stegosaurus and kill you— yeah, that won't ever happen. it sounds convincing, you might think "huh, well what if"- STOP RIGHT THERE. that's the ocd trap. it doesn't matter what it tells you. a duckling is a duckling, just like a thought is a thought. i know many of you who opened this app might've never expected such a long post from a random nocd cohabitant, but i'm glad you got to the end of it. i hope you got a sense of inner peace reading this. sending all the love.

I’m just scared

Does anyone else have good days and bad days while on Sertraline? I’m day 21 today on 50mg and up until today it has made my intrusive thoughts less “sticky” but feel a bit anxious today. ERP starting next month.

“It is you” “You’re in denial” “It is not ocd” “You want to do it”

Good morning! Another day, another life, I hope you're all safe. 💗

I just wanna say it’s been an interesting past few days lol. For context I’ve got really bad anxiety especially while out driving and I’ve been able to get my ass back behind the wheel here and there & I am very proud of that. However, my worst anxiety symptom is dpdr and I still haven’t been able to shake it off and sometimes it just really gets to me. Back to the present, I drove around Monday evening and pushed past my intrusive thoughts with uncertainty and had a great night because of it. Tuesday was another story. It got dark out and I told myself I want to drive but idk because I haven’t driven at night in a while maybe I’m not ready. This gave me horrible intrusive thoughts and dpdr so I decided to hop on YouTube to seek advice (reassurance) and it made it 10x worse. I became more enveloped in my dpdr and all these existential thoughts it was horrible. Today I was really down in the dumps for having spiraled so hard last night and my anxiety was at an all time high. All day these existential thoughts and dpdr were hitting me. I work from home and I was sitting there dreading clocking out because I knew I wanted to force myself to drive again. I really wanted to chicken out and I really wanted to sit and watch a video or google something about my symptoms/thoughts but I said no maybe you’ll space out and crash because you’re crazy and the dpdr will become too much maybe it won’t idk. Long story short I felt so much better because I went out even though I was so scared and tonight I am feeling so much better than I was last night. I hope this helps someone else out there 🩷

Today we made the list of the things to do for ERP that will make me different levels of anxious. It was scary to a degree but also such a freeing feeling to be honest about my thoughts and make a plan to work on them! I feel so hopeful today. I hope in the future I can look back on this day and remember things are not always bad.

Suicidal ocd people relate?

For anyone with tips on this please help me. I have been drawn to Christ from a young age. I trusted in Christ and decided to get baptized around 15 years old. I have always prayed and found peace in God. However recently my OCD makes me doubt everything. It constantly makes me feel like (during worship on Sundays) it says: “You don’t really believe” “how do you know your right” “how do you know that your perspective is right” “your selfish for trying to shove your religion on others” “your selfish for thinking your religion is right vs others” I don’t know how to stand up against all of these thoughts. They barrage me constantly and I feel so overwhelmed and depressed by them. I just want to have peace and love in Christ and the devil keeps putting turmoil in me. And then there is times where I spend hours on the internet trying to prove why Christianity is right. I know in my heart I love Christ but I don’t want these thoughts to keep making me feel like I have to question my faith.

I remember reading people’s stories about overcoming their ocd compulsions, etc. and thinking “I’m glad for them, but there’s no way that I could be able to do it, my ocd is too bad/I’m not strong enough/etc” and throughout the last year of doing Erps with a great therapist and sticking with the work, it’s paid off! So if I can do it, you can too! No one is beyond help, it takes time and work, and sometimes work is a tiny step a day, but it still counts! There are still struggles, as ocd is ever evolving, but ocd is so much less scary when you learn about it and try to understand it with empathy and give yourself compassion. You and your healing journey are worth the time and energy it takes to do Erps and therapy work! Good luck, and thank you. 💚

whenever i seem to have a "good" day, it always looks for something new to scold me.

I've been using the technique of writing down 'I will [enter horrific act]' over and over again but to be honest I don't think it's very helpful. Anyone with suicide OCD had success with another exposure activity?

Im getting so tired! I keep getting the “i want to die” thought and feeling… and its coming everyday… Always comes out of nowhere.. and i had a very good day yesterday… the thought and feeling just keeps coming back.. all the time! And it always makes me doubt if its real 😔

I'm living with my father and his wife, it's very difficult! She makes me very uncomfortable! She spends her time talking about my weight, or saying that we weigh the same thing, but she is much bigger than me. He always demands that I help with something but he doesn't say anything, not to my younger brother who is his son, nor to my older brother. I feel very frustrated and sad since I feel that I don't have peace of mind anywhere I'm going. It bothers me that I help a lot and I feel she takes advantage of my kindness to her to annoy me?! Another thing is that my father gave me a hug and she saw her look annoyed!? I don't know what's wrong with her but I can't talk to her either because she's a very emotional woman which makes her very Inrational!

Let me preface this with I’ve been doing better with accepting and moving past intrusive thoughts about harm for a bit and I’m proud of myself for that. However I just cannot shake a few certain obsessions due to horrible depersonalization and derealization. I had a few specific things trigger me last night and today and the dpdr is so much more intense because of it. I did my best to accept the thoughts and fears that came with it but I couldn’t help but ruminate so that’s probably my issue. Dpdr is the scariest most isolating thing that keeps me stuck more than any other anxiety symptom. I want to know the best ways to manage chronic dpdr along with ocd because it’s just been so hard for me to get through 😞 idk just needed to vent as I am having some intense dpdr at the moment even just here laying in bed

I think a big part of recovery is understanding what the fear of having something or doing something & actually wanting to do something or actually having something is. Both can feel very similar & be confusing but this has been huge in my recovery process. Hope everyone is having a safe & fun Labor Day weekend!

Will I ever be who I used to be? It seems that every time I try to my thoughts convince me I am an evil person. It feel like I’m pushing the old me away…

Does anyone else have fears that you have a secret mental disorder or mental illness and that everyone can tell you have it? Even though you don’t think you have anything wrong with you when you have moments of clarity?

The smallest things trigger my ocd… if i can’t find a parking lot “i want to die” if i need to clean “i can’t do this anymore” is this normal?

Hey guys. Since last January I've been suffering bad with sexuality OCD and Suicide OCD. I get really bad intrusive thoughts, urges, doubts, waves about both and they SUCKKKKKKK. If anyone has been through either could you give me some advice??

Is it normal? And it makes you feel like you actually want… and im obsessing over it..

Hello. I suffer from OCD, anxiety, panic disorder and clinical depression. I’ve recently been approved for TMS, specifically OCD protocol. I tried TMS approximately 8 or so years ago for depression but it did not work. I’ve been told I may have some relief targeting the OCD. Has anyone else tried this and have you had positive results? Thank you and have a nice evening

To not overthink every little thought and live my life guilt and worry free.

Sometimes when I get stressed, my chest starts hurting really badly. It feels like I’m being stabbed and it hurts to breathe. Does anyone know what to do when this happens?

My goal is acceptance. My preference is to not have anxiety but I do So I’ll have my anxiety and live my life. Not saying I like it but I have it anyway. That’s all folks🤓

When I first started therapy I literally thought I was losing my mind. But I am so thankful that God answered my prayer by leading me to a website on scrupulosity which mentioned NOCD. Thanks to NOCD and my amazing therapist (Carnice McFarland) I am reclaiming my life and learning who I really am. Some of my values are changing and I’m reconnecting with others. I’ve come a long way so far and I’m proud of myself. I still have a ways to go though. I have to take this thing day by day, moment by moment even, but I’m doing the work. Some days are harder than others. There are times where I wonder will I ever be better and I can say that I’m better now. It’s all a matter of perspective. I’ve lived 35 years of my life with OCD and I didn’t know until Feb of this year. I can now see that I’ve been dealing with a bunch of different subtypes over the course of my life thus far but due to intrusive thoughts and images around my faith and God last year (they seemed so blasphemous), that’s what started this journey. It may sound strange to say but I thank God because sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I turn 36 on the 13th of next month and I can say that I am getting better every day. I’m determined to continue conquering OCD. My latter days and years shall be greater than the former. I prayed for healing and that’s exactly what I’m doing with each exposure, every time I don’t engage in an exposure, when I break the cycle of rumination, etc. I wouldn’t have been able to make it even this far had I not been able to lean on my faith. I’m learning how resilient I am. I’m stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. I had to introduce OCD to GOD and GOD never loses. So to everyone please stay encouraged. We can and we shall continue to face OCD. I literally pray for those of us who have come to NOCD seeking assistance. One day I pray that our stories, testimonies, suffering, etc will be used to save someone else’s life and to let them know they are not alone. They will see us thriving in life and OCD will be so far in the background that we won’t even notice it. And if you haven’t heard it today, I love you. You matter. Keep moving forward even if you must do it afraid. We got this!!!💕💕💕

To be myself again

idk what to do. ever since my ocd “flared up” about 3 years ago, i have been uncontrollably, compulsively lying. it scares me bc it’s become more natural than telling the truth. it FEELS like the truth when i’m speaking it and i’ve become so good at it, often times i can’t even tell my own lies from the truth. i feel like i’m blurring my own reality but i don’t think i’m trying to deceive, intentionally. i’ll lie about the stupidest things, like what i ate that day. i don’t understand it. so after 3 years of lying, all my lies have finally built up and are now coming to light. i don’t know how to explain (mostly to my parents) WHY i am doing this. WHY i am like this. they don’t understand ocd and will be furious if i tell them i’ve lied. i’m having these really dark thoughts that are freaking me out, telling me how to escape this bc right now, i don’t see any way out. maybe the truth is that i’m just a horrible, manipulative person. but i struggle to accept that bc before my ocd was bad, i RARELY lied. anyways…i doubt it, but does anyone have any advice or anything?

I feel like the only person that will try to listen to me and understand how I feel is my therapist. And thats inly because its her job. I just dont know how to navigate life from here on out. I need someone that understands this obsession with age and numbers but my friends do not understand. My brother and parents don't understand. I really just think its normal to feel the way I feel but they just wont admit it. If they wont admit it all I can do is feel like i need to hurt myself to have a catharsis. I feel liek if i actually could get reassurance from them I wouldnt hurt myself. But if they dont admit they feel as scared as I do I dont know how in supposed to live any longer. Im so scared of time and aging and I think thats normal especially at my age. I guess maybe its not normal to react to this fear the same way that I do, but I think its normal. Its normal to feel like youre losing everything as you grow up. Everything is changing and its scary. But why is everyone acting like they dont feel so scared. Why doesnt everyone acknowledge that 17 years really is long. Im not overreacting, I just dont know how to deal woth the constant thought and stress I feel because of it. Im almost two decades old. Ive lived through so many changes and thats scary. Even one decade was scary to me. Three decades will be even worse. Hopefully i wont make it there or to the next one. I live in a world I know, but soon it will be one that I dont. Isnt that so scary? Why do people act like its not. I havent felt at ease for years. But i want them back but i cant have them back. I dont know how to grow older, but it will show on my face. Its all I can think about. Im getting better with the mental math and comparisons I make (for the most part. I stopped countjng days specifically but I still compare ages) but im just replacing it with physical release. I dont know what to do. I just need my parents to tell me they wont miss me and maybe ill be able to let it go. But I love them so much so that will hurt if they say that. I spent so much of my life proving to myself that I was worth it to them, but now I cant keep my composure aroubd them anymore. Im convinced theyll die before im 30. All I do is cry and ruminate. Same thing when I was 14. I would cry right next to my parents but they wouldnt even acknowledge me. Or my dad would yell at me and say hed beat me up or hed throw things. He never hit me but that made me scared to open up to be honest. But one time i was crying right next to my mom when I was 14 because I had such vivid ideations of killing myself right there and I was so scared and I wanted comfort. But they wouldn't acknowledge me and so I almost took that as my sign to do it. I went for the knife, but then I just thought oh my god if I survive then imagine the hospital bill and I snapped out of it I guess. My parents both acknowledge im hurting now, but they also just don't understand it. My mom even says her friends daughter only needed two psychiatric visits and then she was "cured" I wish I could be cured. Im going to the psychiatrist soon though so maybe ill get medicated and the feelings, at least physical, will subside? i know I post a lot and it always sounds so dramatic and long, but I cant hold it in and i nearly never get anyones attention or care. I keep craving someone to understand me, to do more than just sympathize. Its also hard on here because there are so many christians. I was raised catholic, but the idea of heaven and hell are so daunting. Hell would hurt, but heaven would hurt me too. I dont want to live eternally. I dont want to know more than I do now. I want to have my parents so if there is heaven I hope to go there and with my family, but living long and long and long is so scary. I doubt theyd even look how I remember. Thats scary. Heaven has never been a comforting thought to me, but that doesnt mean I dont do all I can to be a good person and live with kindness and generosity in mind. but some people think it's comforting thing to tell others but it doesnt comfort me. I want to help people as I can now and then be gone. I dont want to see the world change into something I dont know. and i guess if I did go to heaven these fears would be gone just by default I suppose. But that feels like Id be losing myself. The current me doesnt want to lose myself. The current me finds heaven to be scary. The current me just can't understand because the current me is only human. well if anything this place is better than a crisis hotline. They feel so distant and impersonal and robotic even though its real people on the other end.

Not sure if I’m the only one but sometimes I feel like I practice my ERP compulsively and not sure if that’s correct. For example lets say theres a website I can go on to practice exposure for my themes. I have done this work already. But I find myself now wanting to go back on the site but not sure if it’s really for ERP or if its now a compulsive behavior that my OCD is telling me I should do? Curious to hear other experiences

I have recently heard of i cbt being effective treatment for ocd and intrusive thoughts in general from a podcasts from 2 professionals discussing it. I’m very curious about it because it’s more challenging your thoughts and doing more work on your thinking patterns which in turn stops compulsions because you can’t have them without obsessing. Just curious because I get caught up with my thinking the most!

I had this in the past too, when something happens or i imagine something bad could happen i can imagine myself to go to that place when i feel so desperate and hopeless. And I feel like its possible that i could end up there and act on this fear. Not like i want it, i just can feel that its possible, and the ocd fear isnt that strong when im really worrying... Its like i feel that it can happen that i get there cause of feeling so bad about something and i might not do it but it gets so close that it doesnt count as ocd at that point. I can imagine that my emotions take the control over me and i will not be able to act on my values but on reactivity, desperation and hopelesness. It makes me scared but its more like a sad feeling that i see that it can happen...

I misunderstood the payment plan and I can’t afford to continue therapy. I’m very sad and I feel like I’ll never get better. I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I’m really just going to give up.

@zach_westerbeck on Instagram has great OCD content and he shared his “dream life” exercise. It involves 5-10 minutes and you can write out, speak, envision your dream life if you never did a compulsion again, had zero doubt, and OCD ran 0% of your life. He then explained that doing compulsions were either “adding” or “taking away” from the happiness of his dream self. You are worthy of your dream life. Let go of the doubt and false alarms your brains are sending. We’ve got this!

When I was 6, I started feeling something— I didn’t know what it was, I just knew that I felt a force, everywhere, surrounding the earth, and then that same force, inside of me. It filled me with untethered, untamed energy. I called it a super power. The universe was exactly the same size and significance as me. I would much later find out it was no super power. At 10, I unmasked the human element—what separates us humans from everything else: the tendency (or “ability/gift” as I saw it) to accept WHATever reality we so choose to justify our fears. This was also the time I decided to become a psychiatrist. I’m 23 now. I couldn’t tell you if I’m inside this universe, or if I surround it. I couldn’t tell you what direction is up, what year it is, or if I’m in a coma, writing to myself right now. But I do know this. It’s all an illusion and nothing matters but love. Peace ✌🏻

How should i deal with ocd latching to emotions? Is accepting that i had that emotion is the way or i shouldnt take it serious what emotions i have now that i have ocd? I ask it cause its still not clear how to handle emotions, cause alot of people say you have ocd cause you are afraid of your emotions and you pushed them away, the other part says that you dont have to give attention to your emotions cause it will just make you obsess...Im tired of this "duality". I have suicidal ocd and if i have to listen to the first method, i have to accept that i had emotions of wanting to die...and this just makes me feel worse, it doesnt help. But the other one feels like a compulsion just to feel better... Is ocd really a protecting mechanism, like for recovery i need to accept the feelings of wanting to die and expose myself to that to lose ocd? So in a way ocd makes me avoid dealing with the feeling of wanting to die? Or this all is stupid and i have to ignore everything just now?

Hi Y’all, I’ve been having really bad episodes of depersonalization/derealization. I feel like i don’t know who I am and that everything around me is fake. It’s super scary, but I know it’s just my OCD planting these thoughts in my head. Has anyone else experienced this? What helps you?

I just came across this ad on TikTok and I’m just a little shook. I have OCD but only mental things, meaning I don’t engage in physical compulsions, at least not that I’ve realized yet. I think that this ad was harmful in a way but I will tell a little bit of my story before I get into that. I struggle a lot with harm OCD, sexual OCD, and relationship OCD. My therapist on better help uses ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy.) I thought my problem was only anxiety, but I thought I was literally going crazy with these intrusive thoughts and I was too scared to admit to anyone that I was having them. Long story short my therapist told me about a friend of hers that has OCD and had thoughts of harming people. I told her I was experiencing the same thing and from there she’s working on learning how to help those with OCD. I don’t know if basic therapy, whatever that may mean, is the right way to handle OCD. However blatantly saying “therapy doesn’t help” is quite a broad statement. For OCD exposure therapy is a saving grace, also ACT has been recognized as a common practice to treat OCD as well. I think that ACT has helped me a lot. For those who don’t know what ACT is, it is the practice of learning how to be okay with OCD or anxiety, meaning accepting it as a normal part of your life. “If you don’t wanna have it, you will.” Rather than fighting yourself every single time an obsession comes, it’s saying “I’m noticing an intrusive thought.” On good days it’ll stop it in its tracks. On a bad day it might swirl my brain a bit but that’s okay. ACT is being willing to take on not only these uncomfortable situations, but all uncomfortable experiences that life throws at you, because whether we like it or not they will come. In my experience, therapy isn’t a cure, but it helps. The simple fact is that there is no cure. Medication is not a cure, therapy is not a cure, mindfulness is not a cure, meditation is not a cure. There. Is. No. Cure. And that’s okay! Because if you are willing to experience these negative thoughts and sensations, if you stop fighting yourself every single time they come, it makes life a lot easier. Not saying there isn’t bad days cause there is. I’m still early in treatment so I still have days where I come home and cry for an hour or 2. I have made a lot of progress and I’m proud of where I came from, and I’m thankful my Acceptance and Commitment Therapist showed me ways to live with OCD rather than trying to run away from it all the time. I think if something doesn’t work for you, that’s okay. But don’t discredit someone else’s experiences. As an OCD app I think it’s clear what that could do to someone just starting therapy who is struggling. Even if it wasn’t the intention, I believe that ad should be taken down. Thanks for reading :)

does anybody else have either a few hours, days or weeks where your ocd lightens up almost completely after being super intense? it's like my brain turns on antivirus mode for a while. it's nice but i get nervous wondering when ocd will strike again

The other day I was having some anxiety about the future and that I would become suicidal and then that made me feel very down and as soon as I started feeling down I started having thoughts like is it worth living but then those thoughts really freaked me out and made me have a panic attack and then a lot of intrusive thoughts started coming to rapidly and felt so real. Where those thoughts ocd or genuine suicidal thoughts????

Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve struggled with OCD for as long as I could remember. I only realized it was OCD about 5-7 years ago and am now trying to educate myself. I’ve never had anyone to talk that shared the struggles I do. When I say “I have OCD” most people have stereotypical reactions like “omg me too I have to keep my house clean”. I struggle with so many aspects other than tidiness. The one that I’d most debilitating is the intrusive thoughts. Daydreaming of terrible things happening and what the future would look like afterwards. It’s everyday. I guess I’m looking for someone to. Has anyone ever beat the constant terrible thoughts? Thanks in advance.

I’m incredibly frustrated as I’ve been having a new theme in my ocd. Typically it’s just religious themed but recently I’ve been having horrible thoughts about my two best friends (one of whom I have feelings for) potentially liking eachother and I know it’s irrational but it feels like my jealousy is going to ruin my relationship with both of them and I’m very upset about this

i’m so alone. and my thoughts are taking over me . i just need someone to talk to.

I don't know what's wrong with me?! when I'm happy or sad I usually want to be hurt no matter how,( I don’t know why I want to be hurt)It's horrible, I feel bad for thinking like that. The thing is that I have never thought about hurting someone.( Only myself) I don't know what to do anymore, I always look for a way to make myself suffer and it doesn't give me pleasure or something like that! No ! I just don't feel anything in particular. Like I don’t cut my self or anything like that but, I do think emotionally or mentally to make my self suffer. ( I hate it but I can’t stop, have try many way but I haven’t been able to stop)

i'm sure many of us who suffer from REOCD know very well how scary catastrophizing can be. i used to chat with some friends about some really embarrassing topics that bring me a lot of shame. i no longer speak to them. however, i have this fear that they are exposing me to other people for talking about such embarrassing things. it's making me so scared to even do anything. i feel like i'm going to faint. why must it feel so real???

Hey everyone!! So i’ve overall felt like therapy has been helping slowly over the course of time and some days I feel like my old self to some degree and then others i feel caught up/back where i was with the ocd thoughts. Is this normal?

Ok so I know this is far fetched but it's what my ocd is currently latched on to and I'm trying not to spiral. So we keep being told thoughts are just thoughts and thoughts are not actions. We do things all the time without much thought. We walk upstairs, brush our teeth, peel a banana, get dressed, or even send this message. I gave these things little thought, almost like impulses. So what separates a thoughts and no action to a thought with immediate action? How can I trust that? And that my friends is where my ocd is this morning.

Ruminating is a compulsion. If you’re like me, it’s probably the one that you do all the time. I do have moments when it’s easier to stop ruminating but other times I fall victim to it. What have you found as the most useful strategies to stop yourself from ruminating?

I feel upset bc idk if I will be able to over come this OCD it also makes me so in my head and out of touch with reality that scares me. I also just hate questioning myself all the time. Do I really love this person? What if I’m secretly a bad person? What if all my thoughts are true? It’s very tiring. And idk if anyone else feels like this but a big one for me is that no one else knows what’s going on inside my head and that scares me. Anyone else ? This has been an on going pattern for me for 2 1/2 years. First my thoughts started small like I was scared I was bi polar then I was scared I would harm myself not they’re extremely scary and they come with feelings too. It sucks it kind of makes u feel hopeless and like u don’t care to do anything. I just want a clear mind. Any advice? I also only had ONE erp therapy session. Anyone who has been doing ERP have you guys seen major results? Please let me know :)

Anyone else with Harm OCD find themselves comparing past actions they’ve done or past situations they’ve been in to see if they’d actually act on their actions? I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well but I find myself constantly questioning myself and thinking about the past.

so far so good. i've been better at managing my symptoms and the world seems sooo different when i'm not anxious. erp is annoying :/ but also a blessing. how is everyone doing?

does anyone else go into a spiral about how they are just gonna act on their thoughts or how they “wish” when they get angry/frustrated/overwhelmed? I’ve been doing this a lot lately. After I come down I’m real concerned about it. I talk to my mom about this all the time which I know is a compulsion. It’s more so I feel like just getting it over with most times but sometimes I just think of it voluntarily I think which I know makes it SI which is why it concerns me. I mean it’s always there so I don’t think of it voluntarily it’s more so I agree and make it worse.

Anyone else struggle with the thought that they don’t have OCD and that they want to act on their intrusive thoughts?

Anybody just feel off, like nothing is wrong but you feel like something is but you don’t know what? But no intrusive thoughts or really anxious, just feel off? I mean I start to get anxious when I start to think why am I feeling like this but

does cigarette trigger the anxiety and stress in ocd ???

the shity thing about ocd is relaps you you relapse more than you stabilize pffffffffff

I have a compulsion to change my medications it’s been a long time compulsion and I’m resisting it but it feels like it won’t stop bugging me to do it!

When I’m sexual w my husband feel like my husband doesn’t exist and the moment isn’t real like it’s not happening. What is this it feels like I’m on drugs or something I’m not tho.

I know people deal with this for years, with the anxiety, intrusive thoughts, unwanted feelings, depression, sadness,etc. it hits different when it’s unwanted bro. I am so genuinely tired, I do not deserve this mindset. Nor the anxiety. Like why me. & I don’t want this for years bro. I just can’t do it. Like I’m really tired & I don’t like myself, for the very first time. I do not like myself.