Theres no coming back or anything to go back to, both my themes came true, damage done is too much to fix or im thinking maybe it isnt and im just making it worse by not accepting and embracing my true self, im not even uncertain about it. I wish i could just vanish, stop existing, wouldnt have to worry about a thing then.
Transgender OCD - Community
I’m really anxious right now because the thoughts and feelings feel extremely real. So much so it’s like I actually convinced myself I’m trans. I thought I was doing better a few days ago but the fact I’m still worrying makes me feel like it’s proof I’m trans bc a cis person wouldn’t obsess over gender. I keep worrying that the OCD thoughts Ive had about this theme aren’t OCD but real feelings, and proof that I’m trans. I’m so uncertain about my identity, I don’t know my gender, my sexuality, what feels good, what feels bad, or who I am. And I have nothing to reference anymore because OCD has worn it down so much. Does anyone have any tips or thoughts? I need help.
it feels like this obsession has stuck with me for so long that that possibility of becoming true seems intriguing, not exactly in a good or positive way, just intriguing. i’ve been so angry about this. this whole thing, OCD, obsessions, checking, compulsions, obsessive thoughts, repetitive scenarios, overthinking everything, it’s just so much and i’m so tired of it. i used to be really really scared and terrified of becoming and turning into this fear. it’s really on my top 3 fears list and im a really anxious person who has a lot of fears, just to give an idea. now, im just going with it, trying to tolerate it all, and if i do turn then at least the obsession will end, i think, hopefully. but it’s just so disappointing. i don’t wanna be that, but if i do turn i will want to be that and i won’t fear being it or have any problem with being it. like, i will genuinely be that person, a whole new person, if that happens. and it angers me because i’m happy with who i am, just not with my obsessions. quite literally, the parts i don’t like about myself are the parts that are not me, but what my brain obsessed over. i had so many dreams and goals and things i wanted to experience and to achieve, and i don’t want to do that as a person who was never me. writing this makes me think of my younger self, the same girl who had all these dreams, she won’t be able to see herself achieve them and make them come true if it’s a guy she doesn’t recognize but turns out it would be her future self. important or not to mention, i’m a queer person, i’d rather call myself just a person or a human but i also like being referred as a girl and a woman since that’s also who i am in a way and lots of ways. i had already unpacked my sexuality but apparently i can’t trust myself anymore because…my brain won’t let me. i like girls but that’s too brave of me to say, since my brain makes me doubt on my sexuality everyday and my attraction to girls seems impossible to be confident about. though i like girls i see myself experiencing little interest in dating anyone. my obsession is about the possibility and the uncertainty of me being a trans gay guy in the future. that’s right, specifically, in the future. obsessing over the future is not healthy and not fun, at all. because i have no answers to all my questions. i wish i could let go. i really wish i could. i used to be so happy and peaceful before this, 7 months ago i was okay. i'm just hyper aware of everything now, and the idea of becoming what i fear being real is just disappointing to me now. i even prepared myself mentally if that happens and if that day comes. having to be a guy, having to transition, liking men and living it all behind. goddammit. i even think to myself “how much time left do i have to be myself” “how much time left do i have to be this way until i turn” adding up to that, my health anxiety, “how much time left do i have to be this way…if i do have time left, i could die at any moment now.” i’m so tired of this everyday.
i have trans ocd. it’s so weird being cool and happy with the clothes i’m choosing and suddenly my thoughts come back and they basically control my whole fashion choices. i have wasted so many opportunities about so many things because my brain simply decides to make my life imposible, but it really is funny when it comes to shopping. such a simple thing can get incredibly hard. can’t choose some clothes, “no don’t touch that one!” “nonono, go back.” “if you don’t buy this one you’re *insert gendered label*” i feel so ridiculous sometimes
i feel so disconnected from myself. it’s like this whole thing caused my sense of identity to sort of feel all messy. my obsession is mainly about my gender identity and sexual orientation, both things i had already thought about and figured out before my ocd symptoms started. it’s so sad because i’m a teenager. i’m not even 18 yet. if every single young person figures themselves out around this age, my ocd symptoms make it all extremely hard and confusing. it’s not fair. i wish i could be normal
i want a normal life it’s really weird thinking about how my life will probably never be the same. i think there is a possibility that i’ll be healthy and recovered at some point, but still, i feel that i have to go through a lot to get to that point. i want to have normal days. i want normal weeks, months, years. i want a normal life. i want to wake up and have my head fully focused on whatever i want to and wherever i’m in life instead of thoughts that just don’t feel like me and are just haunting me, everyday, almost all the time. like this is not even a choice, i have to go through this every freaking day, i can avoid them, yes, i can pretend they’re not part of my life, yes, i can ignore them, yes. but that doesn’t make them go away or just not be there. gosh i’m tired.
Do u ever just get so engrossed in ur tocd that u give up almost and let it become u almost like u just give up and settle on something that doesn’t bother by as much but still bothers u like becoming non-binary or something but u hate that too it just doesn’t scared u as much even tho u don’t consider urself that u still consider urself ur own gender
Also can ocd make u like want to change something abt urself even tho u hate it but u won’t do it because you know you’ll regret it like cutting my hair I rlly don’t want you like me hair but can it make u feel like something is missing even tho you know there’s not lemme know if U relate
i feel so fake, i don't even know who am i. ocd keeps telling me that I'll only be myself if i come out as gay and change my gender identity. everything feels so strange to me. i try my best to stop doing compulsions and to stop reassuring myself, i was doing well awhile ago, the thoughts didn't bother me but i feel so different now, i usually don't post but i just need to let it all out today
Okay I'm really panicking right now. I'm a guy that's been dealing with trans OCD for the past year. I just woke up from a dream where imagined myself as a woman. One thing that I've been trying to tell myself during this them is that I alwaus see myself as a man whenever I dream so I can't be transgender, now I have no idea what's going on or what to believe.
So yesterday I was just chilling on my bed and then I realized that I didn’t think about the thoughts for a while, (I don’t know why I do this) I then start to make myself think of the intrusive thought by myself, and then my mind kept telling me that it was me that was bringing up and these intrusive thoughts, even though it was my mind. My mind is now telling me that “oh you want a this” even though I never wanted it before, and I am scared, and I have no idea what to do.
Does anyone else experience some moments/ days in which he thinks he is thinking “clear” and after a trigger comes in it feels like these “clear days “ have felt like a lie and one just betrayed oneself since one is not able to accept that one is in denial?
Has anyone with SOOCD experienced depersonalization/disconnection from oneself during OCD episodes. I think that I am experiencing this and it’s making me think that I am not who I thought I was and want to be. This has also made me develop TOCD, but this all just feels like the thoughts are true and that I am just now realizing that I am gay/trans. I don’t want this at all.
I feel very distressed right now and haven't been able to find anyone who feel the same way i do. I've have SOCD for a while but the last couple of days i feel i have developed TOCD ( transgender ocd ). However i also feel like it may be depersonalisation, i feel disconnected from my body and specifically my female areas which is very scary as i do not want to be trans. It feels like they don't belong to me and feel foreign on my body. I've never experienced this before and feel scared as i like being a woman and don't want my life to change. I'm not looking for reassurance just for someone to share their experiences with depersonalisation and if they have ever felt the same.
Told my friend I might be trans. She said you could be am I was happy someone understood and possibly accepted me. But I feels weird I have so much doubt. Was it OCD in the first place? I just started panicking again. That I was lying to myself the whole time. Maybe I am trans. I still don’t feel gender dysmoria my mind was convince my name has been Stephanie instead of Steve. Im so lost was I just scared my parents would hate me? Why don’t I feel happy that I could be trans this is so weird.
I guess a sense of depression was the start of questioning my gender and getting TOCD. I always had the motivation to dress girly to get looks from boys and make myself pretty to be desired by them. Before TOCD I slightly lost interest in doing that anymore because I didn’t see the point. After that I got lost about me and my whole personality. I questioned if everything I do is just a product of what other people like and want from me. It is hard to go back now with this mindset. I do not even know who I really am. I just know I was happy as a girl a long time, I felt sexy and desired, I used to look in the mirror for hours, I always found straight relationships but now all the things I liked are connected to intrusive thoughts and confused with these feelings.
I really feel like i like not having a gender and being non-binary all because of my new haircut and the fact that I don't like my hair being too tall especially that it's curly and length weights it down :( I really feel like I like being non-binary, like REALLY. I don't think this is OCD I don't even think I have OCD I just think I am slowly discovering myself and accepting it but am still in denial because I feel no anxiety
It is so frustrating to feel like you would only be happy if you change your gender even if you always loved beeing a girl. Everything I do that is girly feels fake even if it didn’t in the past. I wanted children. I wanted marriage. I even liked the thought of Beeing a „house wife“. Now all these things feel so detached from me like this person wasn’t really me.Like I‘ve only „acted that way“. Like my brain is actually male. I‘m sad. I‘m angry. I do not know how to get back and how to feel like i love beeing a girl again. I can‘t even imagine having sex because my OCD makes me hate everything that is female… why :(
Does anyone with TOCD has like „two personalities“ inside of themselves. Like I have my „old selve“ were i liked to dress girly and be a lady and so on, which now often feels fake and like i am in denial. And then I have the „Trans“ side that feels really scary like i am a man inside. I do try to supress the side that tells me „I am a man“. I don‘t know which „person“ is the true one inside of me :( Maybe someone can help?
I think I just have to accept and grieve the loss of my old self and move on. She's dead now. She's been replaced with this new me who hates femininity and the word woman so much I can't identify as female anymore. I love her and miss her. But she is no longer me. She loved being a woman, and I no longer can handle it.
Soocd and/or trans ocd folks, leave words of hope below. I'll start first, You've been here before and survived it, you will this time too. You know those good days are indicative of you, not the bad ones, hold onto the good ones. They are still real <3
I feel like I dont have a gender, yet I disguise myself as female. I don't think of myself as he, she, or any other pronouns. I kind of think of myself as an...it. I think of myself as an honest, as just pure matter floating in space. I just tell people I go as she/ so they aren't confused by whatever I have to say about this. I feel like it's hard to just tell them this. Not sure what to do but rn I'm fine with just disguising myself as female and ignoring any more thought about it
Can OCD make you believe and genuinely feel that you are someone you are afraid of being? I feel horrible and I lost my identity 😢 Like it’s not the thought that causes so much distress, it’s the real feeling that comes with it which makes me believe it’s true and real. I literally feel like I want to be a transgender although I never thought about it my entire life until June and since then it accompanies me every day!
Hi everyone. I need some advice. I use to love doing my own nails and make up. Now when I don't have either on I get really bad anxiety and feel like I look like a male. However, while I'm doing my nails or makeup I get so many intrusive thoughts. Would wearing makeup and doing my nails be a compulsion or an exposure?
Two months battling hocd which turned into tocd. This past week my thoughts went from “what if I’m a man” to “I am a man” (I’m a 24 year old female who’s never questioned her gender before this). Today I was on Reddit and someone posted in a tocd subreddit that “this is not ocd, this is just fear and confusion”. I am absolutely mortified- considering I don’t have a history of ocd, maybe I really am using ocd as an excuse for my thoughts. All I know is since these thoughts started, I’ve felt nothing but constant despair and agony. I stopped going to work- I feel crippled. Sometimes I even tell myself “ok I accept that I am transgender” then I start sobbing and crying nonstop because I know deep down this is not what I want. I’m hopeless. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
feels like i’m going crazy again. i thought i was doing really good managing my TOCD/gender identity OCD, but today i’m not so sure. today is the day of my first ever day of college orientation, and i’m already really nervous about that. i’ve been really nervous about it ever since the other day, and ALSO ever since the other day, my TOCD symptoms have been really bad and inescapable. there have been many days where i don’t even feel/see my symptoms at all because i had been recovering on my own pretty well but now i just feel so hopeless. i feel like i really am lying to myself and my worst symptom is feeling like i am nervous in my chest/breast area and it makes me feel like i don’t want to have breasts, even though i do (at least i think i do) :(
Does anyone else experience an uneasy chest feeling in relation to transgender ocd? I never used to have a problem with my breasts but now I feel like I am hyperaware of them, a feeling which has gotten worse and worse. I worry that I am actually experiencing gender dysphoria and it seems like so long since I have felt normal. The idea of gender dysphoria is terrifying to me, because I have trans roommates who have described how horrible it feels to feel they were essentially born into the wrong body. I am very scared that I have or will develop this. It feels like I don’t know who I am anymore, what is real and what is not. I just want to be comfortable as I am! Can anyone else relate to this?
I'm convinced I'm just in denial and scared of being trans. Convinced. Convinced I'm afraid of discrimination and rejection and also deeply ashamed. These feelings are too real to be fake. I also comb through my past and so many things feel like proof. It feels like I just need to accept it.
Can it be transOCD if after it started you developed feelings of dysphoria? Growing up I never had any gender identity questions but one day "how do I know I'm a woman" popped into my head and by the end of the day I had dysphoria. I'm terrified it's not actually OCD and I'm just scared. But there have been moments where I've hated my body, hated being seen as a girl, ever since this started. Most people say TOCD involves the dislike of being thought of as the opposite gender, and it's true that I now get anxious whenever I wear anything too masculine. But i also have had those moments. Genuinely. I don't know what to do.
I feel so gross about anything feminine right now. I just want to be a lesbian but I no longer feel attracted to women and the idea of being a woman or wearing anything girly makes me feel sick. I'm convinced I'm trans and just scared. I hate this. I want to be me again.
I‘ve been really struggling with gender identity/transgender ocd and it’s really messing with me. It really feels like I can’t stop analyzing details from my past. My biggest fear is that this rumination will cause me to feel distress about things I wasn’t distressed about before (I.e. my body). Finding the motivation to do ERP exercises has been hard. Does anyone else struggle with something like this? Any tips/ideas for exposures? I want to get over this so badly!
Does anyone else with TOCD feel like they sometimes hate their birth gender now? For me, I always loved being a girl growing up even though I was a tomboy. Now however, I find myself sometimes feeling genuine disgust over feminine things or anxiety at being perceived as female, which are feelings I never ever had before TOCD started. I get anxiety watching TV a lot, I'll see women and think I'd never want to be them and would rather be the males. It convinces me I must actually be trans, because when I hear people talk about TOCD they say they know they don't want to be the other gender, but sometimes it really feels like I do.
it really feel like i am just questioning and can't accept it. it feels like i genuinely like it, it feels so real. it doesn't feel like ocd AT ALL. i am thinking about it less (because i think i am distracting myself a lot) but when i get thoughts they feel so real and barely any anxiety :( it feels like i am lying about it. it feels like i want it. can ocd feel this real yet with very little anxiety and much lesser thoughts???????????
How to cure my OCD at home? Or will be able to? I can't go to a therapist because mental health is still a taboo in my area and I am only 17. Secondly, even if they agree to take me to the therapist... I'll have to open up about the previous relationships I've had and if my parents come to know about them, I am dead. It's a lose lose situation for me.
We had a family get together yesterday and I didn't want to join them but I forced myself because I didn't wanna let OCD take control of me. To my surprise, I enjoyed, laughed and had so much fun with my cousins. I was anxious for most of the time tho with intrusive thoughts. I actually felt like myself for a moment and it did feel weird cause I have been away from reality since long, my hope has revived. I learnt that the more you socialize, the more OCD starts weakening. Good luck y'all. ❤️
PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!! I have had HOCD for 1.5 years now and TOCD has showed up 15 days back. I can't seek a therapist because my parents have a conservative mindset and I don't earn. I have been doing ERP since a month now but I am anxious and depressed all the time. I sit with anxiety. I am feeling completely lost since a week and it feels like I am in denial or who I actually am. I don't like dressing up anymore. I almost gave up on life yesterday night. How long will I take to recover?
Hi, I am new here. I have been dealing with HOCD since 1.5 years now. It all began in February 2020 and now is July 2021. I was completely unaware of the term OCD before recently I came across this illness. I have been through little torture. As long as I remember I have been completely straight. I was all the time attracted to guys I have even been into two relationships. It actually got better but recently while doing research on HOCD I came across the term TOCD which got triggered. I am a girl and have always been proud of it but since a few weeks I have this constant fear in my chest that I am not. I practice ERP. I avoid my compulsions as much as possible and try to sit with anxiety but the main problem I am facing right now is my confused self-image I have lost all the confidence in myself, it's like I don't even know myself at this moment, like what am I who am I. My anxiety is better but please someone tell me if I'll ever get my girly confidence back and including my lost attraction to men? It feels soooo real at this point.
I have had soocd for 15 years. I think to myself after having it for so long…should i just be gay now?? All that suffering for no reason?? But i have a gf and love her. It affects my sex life because during foreplay my soocd makes me think..am i really straight or not? Im worried she is gonna leave me because sometimes i cannot perform.
So my TOCD was pretty calm for a few days. I was able to confidently call myself a man once again after months and weeks of agony and terrifying thoughts and feelings. I did an exposure with my therapist and well... It's back. OCD is cruel.
my tocd feels so so real and it’s awful. it’s just getting worse again. i can’t believe a non-cis person, in my case, would have these thoughts. i’m ashamed by them and they make me sick with worry and i’m so scared i’ll never be back to my “normal”. which is awful to say. i have trans friends who i love very much and this theme also makes me feel like i’m transphobic too.
hey everyone— my first evaluation went really well! i can tell i’m on track for getting help. even still… my thoughts feel so real. i keep obsessing over things i did in my childhood and they feel like such real proof that i’m trans. i’ve asked for reassurance from my relatives and they’ve all said they’ve never seen any signs, but that just worries me more. i don’t WANT to be trans, and i feel like if i did, i’d know… but hearing stories from actual trans folks and how some people can figure out their identity later than others is making my head spin. i know asking for reassurance is bad but sometimes i just can’t help it! i’m trying to work on it though. i know the best things i can do involve sitting with my discomforts, but does anyone have any specific tips on dealing with TOCD/gender identity OCD in particular? it’s so consuming.