I used to say my ex best friend was my soulmate as a joke but it’s true that I haven’t had a friend I’ve been that close to again so I’m scared I liked her because this is how a lot of women felt when they realized they had crushes. But I hate the idea of kissing her or doing stuff with her or developing a romantic connection, it seems fine but there’s no longing something just doesn’t feel right about it. Sometimes I wish I could disappear (not in a worrisome way, just to not have to think anymore) and not exist, this is too painful and uncomfortable.

It’s like I’m losing every single piece of myself, everything that I was content with just ripped from me. I used to get home after hanging out with my boyfriend and just replay the day in my mind, I’d get nervous and excited to see him, I’d think of our kisses, the way it felt when he held me and touched me. Back then I could’ve written books on how much he meant to me and how much I loved my beautiful boy, I’d hold him and just want him closer. I’d dream about him and fantasize about sleeping next to him and waking up and going down the path of life together. I never ever felt that way about my best friend, yes I liked being close to her but only because I was so alone and I became attached to her as my only friend because all my other friends pushed me away. I even miss when the soocd was so bad I’d cry at night just praying to god that even if I was a lesbian I could still be with my boyfriend. I hate that during intimacy I feel aversion to touching him because of how afraid I am. I’m just so afraid of being so vulnerable and getting hurt, I’m scared of disappointing or not being enough, I’m scared that I’m not reacting enough or doing enough but all I truly want is to be able to desire it. I love him and I love how it feels when we’re close, I love when he kisses me and put’s his hands on my face and pulls me closer. I just want him to feel desired and loved , but I feel like I’m failing him with these feelings of anxiety and these bad thoughts. I don’t want him to be with someone who isn’t attracted to him or doesn’t desire him, but I so badly want to be attracted to him and I so badly want to desire him. I can’t keep hurting him like this, he’s too kind and patient. But I don’t want him to be with anyone else or give anyone else the life I want with him. I don’t want anyone else to know about his body or the way he is in bed. I want to know all of him both mentally and physically. I feel like a failure and a fraud and I hate myself so much

You’re not alone… I feel the same way. I feel comfortable with my guy friends but my mind keeps putting pictures in my head about me dating them and being romantic with them.. it’s scary.. I know.. and it’s scarier to think that at some point, you’re gonna have to accept the thoughts that come Into your head, because if you don’t, they’ll keep coming back again and again.

Yup it’s truly the worst

@PinkLotus I’m honestly just glad I’m not the only one thinking about it