I used to say my ex best friend was my soulmate as a joke but it’s true that I haven’t had a friend I’ve been that close to again so I’m scared I liked her because this is how a lot of women felt when they realized they had crushes. But I hate the idea of kissing her or doing stuff with her or developing a romantic connection, it seems fine but there’s no longing something just doesn’t feel right about it. Sometimes I wish I could disappear (not in a worrisome way, just to not have to think anymore) and not exist, this is too painful and uncomfortable.

Can having socd make you lose attraction. I have never be the girl to obsess or chase after boys does that mean I’m gay. I had crushes on them but I would rather die then have them know I like them. Plus I knew they were out of my league so even if they did like me I feel like I would say no for some reason. I have been single all my life and thinking of being in a relationship feels so weird and scary and foreign. Like I feel like I won’t be in a relationship. I won’t look good with anyone or I will feel like an imposter. Idk how to explain it. I want to feel love but all this is making me feel like I never will.

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

There’s this guy I just worked with who honestly felt like another version of me, someone who I could get along with massively. Everything we’d talk about was the same, our interest, our taste in films and music, it felt amazing to have someone to chat to. I can’t lie he was also physically very much my type, so I do fancy him. I said to my friend that I think I found the love of my life, but the sad thing is he’s taken so I’ll take having a crush dip and suppress the fact I fancy him and she went all serious with me. Started saying “good because that can ruin a friendship, especially with a girlfriend”, and it wasn’t meant to be so deep and now it’s got me massively overthinking. I’ve only known him a very short time but I wanted a friendship to be there yk, we’ll never really see one another every again after the festival but it felt nice to have had such a good friendship, even if I feel like I’m another life he would be the perfect one. Can I not feel like that and still have a friendship? I’m never gonna do anything about it, I currently like someone else and he also has a gf, but can I not joke about it without it being all serious? I’m massively overthinking it