Hi everyone i have fucked up and would really appreciate some advice/help and i apologise in advance for the essay im about to write! A couple of months ago ive met this guy... I feel like he is my person and ive never met anyone that i have felt certain about wanting to spend the rest of my life with <3 Last night i went on a night out (i dont often) and really messed up 😭😭 I went out with 2 friends 1 girl 1 boy. I hate myself for it and i know it is wrong but me and my lad friend ended up kissing. It wasnt that we were attracted to eachother and wanted to kiss eachother it was more of a "lets see how eachother kiss" and after too much drinks it seemed like a fun harmless idea as it meant nothing, then. Afterwards (i cant remember properly) he went to me "thats made me hard, do you want to feel" i cant remember if i said yes, i didnt actually want to touch it i was just intrigued that had happened and hed had that reaction. Anyway, he grabbed my hand and put it on him. I am so ashamed When i woke up this morning i couldnt deal with the fact that i had kissed someone else even if it was just for a bit of fun and ignoring everybodys advice i told the truth to my boyfriend. He took it very badly which is understandable but wants to work things out. Now i am obsessing because i havent told him about the hand thing and i havent been fully truthful and i am thinking how are we going to work when i am keeping a secret like that?? He has said it was only a kiss i wouldnt be here still if it was anything more and that was what has triggered this off. I also have this vague memory of grabbing his dick but it doesnt feel like a normal memory but it seems real and i dont know if thats a true memory or not? 😩 I asked my friend and he said nothing like that had happened and i shouldnt worry. I cant cope i feel so so guilty and awful like i cant describe about the kiss and how i could do that whilst with someone I truly love, i cant bare that I havent told him about my friend putting my hand there and feel like its a matter of life or death telling him or not telling him but i know if i do then it will end everything, and i also feel fucking awful with these thoughts of 'What if i grabbed it or not? " and what else have i done that i dont remember? I am fully aware i did wrong and i hate myself, i really cant bare myself or what i did right now. 😭😭

okay so, i had this friend i met in the 8th grade when i was 13 when we became friends and my nickname for her was “red” and i had a crush on this friend before we became friends and once we became friends the crush faded away and i just grew a close platonic friendship with her and no longer has any crush or attraction or romantic interest in her. then i got a girlfriend named lisa in the 8th grade also and we were all friends and hung out but that summer going into highschool lisa broke up with me, we dated only for 2 months so you know it wasnt a big deal. and my friend “red” she and my other friend lana we are a trio and they helped me move on from that. then i started 9th grade (my freshman year of highschool) and i went into this year thinking i was gonna stay best friends with this trio but we ended up splitting paths but me and my friend “red” always had a more special bond in the trio we were like the duo because we trauma bonded and dealt with mental health problems. and in the end of my first semester i fell in love with this girl named riley (who became my 3 year serious relationship) and i love this girl so much i met her when i was 15 and she was 14, me and riley (who is my current partner) were very toxic during freshman sophomore and junior year. she was very insecure over my ex from the 8th grade who i didnt care about because she was my first girlfriend. and she was also very insecure over my friend “red” because she was my best friend during the time i was with my ex and she reminds her of my ex for some reason. i still wanted to be friends with “red” at the time and we would get into numerous fights about that. she would control me and who i was friends with and said i couldnt be friends with her and i felt so awful and defeated bc i had a close bond with this friend. she then gave me an ultimatum of either her or my former best friend and i chose my partner obviously but she was so in her head i think that she still broke up with me for like 3 days and that day she broke up with me i had to go home with her since she was my ride home and i was broken and she was obviously angry and i was crying while we were walking out of school and then she stormed off without me all upset and my other guy friend and his girlfriend saw me and went up to me to comfort me and asked what was wrong and i told them she broke up with me and then my partner yells my name very upset from across the street comes back and grabs my arm aggressively and drags me past everyone very aggressively and angry while telling me to stop crying because her mom is going to be upset and ask questions and i felt so bad. we got into the car and i had to try my best not to cry and my partner who was visibly upset a few seconds ago just completely smiled at her mom and asked how her day was with such a happy tone of voice and i was completely in shock. hours later since we were broken up i texted my former friend “red” (the one who my partner broke up with me over) and told her i needed emotional support that reyna had dumped me and i needed a friend. and she came over and talked to me. that was all nothing romantic. and then 2 days later my partner says we are back together and i was happy but felt guilty because i hung out with my friend who she dumped me over. Now years later im still with this partner after many splits but we are finally healthy and healing and shes been super supportive and there for me and loving during my recent journey discovering my ocd. i have been confessing over and over many past mistakes or things i thought were mistakes. i last confessed something on monday and ive been feeling better and relieved after confessing up until yesterday when i remembered a past mistake (which was what i just shared) and now i cant stop ruminating on it and feeling guilty and feel the need to confess this to my partner but i learned that confessing is my ocd compulsion and if i give into it ill be feeding my ocd and not breaking the cycle. but im also feeling conflicted on if i should genuinely let her know and confess because i feel what i did that time was wrong but i dont want to give into my ocd but also what if i basically cheated on my partner by doing that and if i tell her that i did what i did even tho i didnt cheat but i told her i never liked this person even tho i had a crush on the former friend and tried to get my partner to let me keep this friendship because its not like i like her romantically which is true i dont but i used to. so i feel like i betrayed her even especially by hanging out with her so now i dont know if i should tell her or if its my ocd and i dont have to share absolutely everything especially if its in the past. i dont want to lose my partner and im scared if i keep confessing it will ruin our relationship and drive her away but it will also make me lose myself and my own privacy and also feed my ocd and compulsions but im scared if i dont confess ill never stop thinking about it and i will feel like im lying to my partner and like i cheated and i wont be able to enjoy the good moments and the present because im stuck on my past “mistakes” and now im scared ill have the end my relationship to feel better but that will hurt me more but im scared if i stay im just going to try to avoid my partner in fear ill confess or feel the urge to confess every time we speak. i dont know what to do im completely lost this is the hardest thing ive ever dealt with and i have a lot ive dealt with in my life already. im barely 17 i havent had a year of a break

sorry for the long post, if anyone would like to read and give me some advice i’d really appreciate it. i have something i have been keeping from my boyfriend. it’s nothing in relation to cheating or doing something bad behind his back. it’s something that happened before we started dating. it was when me and my “ex” (i rebounded before my current bf and yes, im very very ashamed of it) were a thing. me and him broke up relatively amicably but me being in general contact with him made my bf uncomfortable. it was a whole thing and in conclusion, i took accountability for my ignorance. i cut him off, wasn’t upset about it at all but there were some issues that still posed a problem in my relationship and it was what me and my “ex” did sexually and how long we were together. me and my bf started dating a few months after my rebound and he was under the impression that the time inbetween was longer. in the moment, i expressed i sincerely thought i told him how long it was and answered his questions about what we did sexually. but i forgot to mention one thing until it was too late. i promised i would tell him if i remembered anything and now that i have, i’ve recently been feeling REALLY guilty for withholding it. i absolutely hate thinking and talking about my rebound. i’m embarrassed by it. i’m trying to be better and move on from that general era of my life. and to a point i have. my bf is wonderful and nothing but good and loving. but over time i’ve become afraid to bring up stuff like this and tick him off. i find his reaction extreme in situations where i’m genuinely confused about what i’ve done. i’m a really anxious person and i try not to let it get in my way or his way of processing everything and resolving it. but its hard. coming from a bad relationship previously (before the rebound) i have a lot of issues to resolve within and outside of my relationship but right now, i don’t know what to do. i’m deathly afraid of bringing it up and him deciding to end us. again, sorry for the long rant. i had to get this off my chest somehow but i wanna know how to go about it. thanks guys

last friday night I had a work dinner/bowling party with colleagues. I went together with a girlfriend (we both work there). there was a male colleague who I talked and laughed with together with some other colleagues. my friend said she thinks he has a little crush on me, but that she didn't want to trigger my rocd. I said that that it's fine.. the whole night we were on an off smoking outside with colleagues and I was really bubbly and happy (more so because I was drinking alcohol) now I think he flirted with me, because I remembered he touched my arm once? and I think he had said something flirty. but I remember I thought it was weird and I never reciprocated any flirting. I haven't said anything weird and I was the exact same way that I would have been with my usual friends (guys or girls), but I can't shake the feeling I should have more explicitly said that I have a boyfriend!! it was mentioned in a conversation and he knows it, but then why would he act flirty? I feel so bad! Saturday I remembered? that I also had a thought about him being attractive? or me kissing him? and I think that I liked the thought. I don't even remember and I don't WANT to kiss anyone else besides my boyfriend. why did I keep talking to him if I had a thought like that? I feel so shitty and like I need to tell my boyfriend. but I wouldn't even know what to say? "I had a thought about someone else"? "Someone might have been a little flirty towards me and I didn't stop them, but I also didn't respond to it"? I can't decipher if I blame that I cheated on Ocd? or if my Ocd ia actually making this a bigger deal then it is? in the past I have confessed stupid things to my boyfriend and he said it's nothing to worry about, but I feel this is different and he would not like it at all (ps. I keep trying to make myself feel a little better by reminding myself my bf has done some things in the past of our relationship aswell, that he didn't confess to me (I found out), such as asking others online for sex while in active drug addiction. I understand that was just because of addiction. and I still feel like what I did feels worse and like I need to confess about it. my mind is going crazy would confessing be a bad thing to do? it usually makes me feel better